The Anonymous Idealist

A lot on my plate

2008-07-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

It seems a very long time since I've been here.

ACK it has as my last post was in May.

There has been a lot going on in my life lately. I know it really isn't an excuse, but its all I've got.

My youngest came to visit at the beginning of June after 6 months on the east coast. She had never been away from family or home for that long before and although I realize that its a good thing and she is very happy, I missed her terribly! She is so very very happy making a home for herself there with her perhaps future husband/boyfriend/significant other. She has been decorating their home, buying furniture, lamps, sheets, and all the rest of the things that her bachelor boyfriend never thought about buying for the apartment, and of course these are all coordinated to my daughter's wonderful sense of style. My older daughter D and I have been laughing our heads off because all of a sudden J, perusing cookbooks, and becoming a cleaning fanatic. D and I laughingly wonder who the hell is this person J as she sure as hell was not doing these things when she stayed with either of us. Of course we realize that mostly this is due to this is her own home and she is doing the nesting instinct thing, but still its funny to hear J stressing about how messy her boyfriend can be at times, how frustrated she gets when he cooks, and how poor his diet is and insisting that he has to add more fruits and vegetables. Anyway, it was wonderful to see and talk to her in person again as she always makes me laugh.

On one of our trips we took D's sons and their rottweiler puppy (65 pounds and growing) who thinks she is a lap dog to the local beach. J and I thought we would die laughing at Lady, the dog's name, as she tried desperately to catch the waves and kept looking back at us in total confusion when she missed. My grandsons spent almost the entire time chasing small fish around the tide pools and finally caught one in a plastic bag no less. It took considerable persuasion to convince them that they couldn't take it home as a pet. Then Lady decided that if she couldn't catch the waves that catching another young man's boogie board would be acceptable and tug of war is great fun when he tried to pull it away from her. Its sad that most individuals consider Lady's breed as dangerous as she is very loving and friendly actually. However, due to preconceived ideas most people see her charging down the sand after the waves are afraid instead of amused. The worse of course is that Lady cannot figure out how to swim! Instead of paddling when she gets up to her neck she gets distracted by the splashes she makes with her front paws and sits down to try to catch them instead of swimming. My daughter D states that she is going to feel ridiculous rescuing a 65 pound rottie from drowning, but my friend says she has a pink doggie life jacket for large dogs. Now that is going to be a sight to see a 65 to 80 pound (she is growing fast) rottie running around wearing a pink life jacket!

Another thing keeping me busy is that I've been reading "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Its an absolutely fantastic book! I simply did not realize how often I sabotaged myself with my inner negative thought patterns. So its been absolutely wonderful to find myself filled with joy and inner peace as I practice the loving kindness, creativity, beauty, evolving, abundant, and reciprocal intentions that he suggests. Its a lot harder than I imagined it would be, especially letting go of the anger or maybe just the bitterness of the past and the individuals that seemed to go out of their way to hurt and betray me. However, it is so very worth the effort! I find myself sleeping better, waking up happier, generally being able to handle the difficult situations more effectively than ever before. So very many years of destruction took their toll I guess that I had forgotten so much of what Dr. Dyer talks about in this book because its almost like a reminder of the way I used to think and feel. Another difficult part is being grateful for those people and situations that betrayed me as I can remind myself that I only attract into my life the lessons I need to learn. But still sometimes its hard not to either get down on myself for my choices and/or feel bitterness and wanting justice. However, I continually remind myself of all I have learned and gained from these experiences and as the Dali Lama writes, (another book I am reading), "And even if it were the nature of a person to hate, then just as we cannot get angry at fire be cause it burns our hand (it is the very nature of fire to burn), so should we not get angry at a person expressing their nature." Also, "From this viewpoint, enemies are teachers of inner strength, courage, and determination." So, although its still a struggle at times, I continually remind myself to be grateful for ALL the teachers that I have called into my life because I have learned something valuable from each of them.

Another event happening is a change of supervisor at work and a new manager. Its been wonderful to work with the supervisor as a co-worker for a long time as he is generous with his time, energy, explanations, and training. Also, a very difficult co-worker has been away due to some surgery and that has make work life easier as well and although I am not particularly looking forward to her return, the new supervisor has worked with her as well and clearly understands her difficult disposition. So I expect that there will be some changes there as well.

There is also a dear male friend visiting from Hawaii lately! Its been lovely to spend some time with him in his gentle loving care and attention. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him until he returned.

Another event is that I am in the process of applying for positions at universities in the southern US as I want to continue my education and particularly interested in anthropology and the cultures of the south western native American Indians. Hopefully, I'll be hearing from some of these soon. (Its still damn near impossible to learn patience and although I have a great deal more than I did 20 year ago still a drop in a dry desert doesn't seem to make that much difference. *grin*)

The summer has finally arrived in the Pacific Northwest! So, although I put on lots of sun screen I did get a burn last weekend. Admittedly with my very fair skin its not difficult for me to burn but I absolutely adore sunbathing, so I do my very best not to fry my skin. Its really hard sometimes being the really fair skinned one in my partly American Indian family. LOL But I adore the heat and love the sun!

I'm looking forward to the 4th of July picnic/bbq with friends tomorrow!

Everyone have the safe and happy 4th and Canadian friends 1st!

Blessed be!

Don't Let the B***** Win!

2008-05-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Its been a tough week!

What with my damn intestines acting up and all that entails, the Human Resources Dept denying my shared leave which means they won't pay me monies that I had depended upon, and crap nastiness with the snapping turtle, (co-worker & not my nickname for her), etc.

But, hey I survived it all!

Friday, because I had fallen asleep so early Thursday night, I woke at about 2:45 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. But by the time the alarm went off for work I was tired and thought seriously about just not going in due to the bullshit atmosphere in my workplace. I was getting ready for work, but really really didn't want to go. Then it occurred to me that every time I allow the negativity of my workplace, and my past with workplace bullies, and my ex invade my thoughts and feelings, I'll letting them win. AND by G****** why was I doing this? Why let the B******* win, by making me feel bad all over again with their negativity, false judgments, poor attitudes, and generally shitty behavior towards others?

So my new phrase every time I find my thoughts being invaded by worry, fretting, or concern based upon these types of individual's past behavior and treatment is "Don't let the Bast**** WIN!"

Also found a Ombudsman's service at my University job that may be able to help with the shared leave disagreement between their assessment of "life-threatening" and my therapist's.

Who knows I may be able to get the monies yet!

My youngest daughter is flying home for a visit this week from back east where she is now living with her boyfriend. I'm so excited! She has been gone for 6 months and that is the longest time that I have ever in her entire life not seen her for that length of time. However, that means that I need to do a thorough house cleaning as although its not truly horrible, its not as neat as usual and that bothers me. I also need to get some groceries as she hates my wheat & gluten free stuff, but as per usual cannot say what exactly she wants. *grin*

I need to remind myself to wear a knee brace for tomorrow's dog walking stint too!

Onward and upwards!

Blessed be all!

NOT 30 anymore

2008-05-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well I went to do my volunteering efforts at the animal shelter on Sunday. Actually, it was absolutely a beautiful day for it with sunshine and at least a reasonable degree of warmth in the air. The birds all seemed to have agreed to sing out for the entire morning as the air was filled with song and I kept humming that opening credits song from "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever." Ya know this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCs2ljRxkLw&feature=related
So you know, basically sickeningly cheerful and upbeat!

Anyway, so I arrive and I've even early after getting slightly lost as this shelter is way out in the boonies. So, its a no kill shelter so they have about 8 dogs, big ones, that are difficult to get adopted due to size, breed, and problems getting along with other dogs and although they have very large runs, these dogs do not get out for a walk and socialization with people all that often. My job therefore, is to walk them on leash through a large field with paths. OK I can do this! I'm prepared for the yanking on leashes, especially with the 2 large female pit bulls, and a bit of yanking is to be expected as they don't know me and aren't that socialized often.

However, the poor dears are so excited to be out they want to run a bit, and okay I can do this too, after all I'm about 30 in my mind. BUT, when being yanked along I feel my left knee talking to my brain .... WTF are you doing? So with a bit of effort I manage to slow them down, and we do a bit of a fast walk and everything seems fine. Until I get home and realize that I am limping slightly as my left knee and ankle are screaming at me, "Hey you may think you're 30, but we feel every bit of our real age, (NO I'm not telling figure it out!), and a bit more besides cuz with various activities in your life such as riding horses determined not to have you on their backs, driving a 5L Mustang with a competition clutch for years, and aerobics, the not easy on your knees kind, have taken their toll!"

WTF???

I mean after all if my mind is still convinced that I am about 30 years of age, I don't see any reason at all for my body not to be at least cooperative at all. Okay, I get it that this would make me 5 years younger than my oldest daughter's present age, but what the hell.

Speaking of getting older. Why the hell is it that every other ad I see when I load a webpage lately has to do with adult incontinence. I mean really? There are certain facts that I am prepared to deal with as I get older. I can manage a cane if necessary as personally if I am a little silver haired lady with a cane and some damn smartass whippersnapper, (okay where in the hell did that word come from in my memory?), gets out of hand a cane could be very useful indeed. I might even be okay with a wheelchair, electric of course, if I had to as chasing people around in it could be a lot of fun sometimes. But, WTF, is up with the adult diapers thing and pissing yourself all the time just standing up, or laughing, etc. AND those damn ads seem to suggest that this is predominately a older, elderly female problem. WHAT???? Is this a forgone conclusion or what? Cuz, I can deal with a lot of the aspects of getting older but if I have to go around wearing diapers all the time, I quit! My ass is big enough without those!

Today, was a shitty day!

It was Monday for a start and personally its never easy to get back to the grind on Monday mornings. Then I get to work, major self talk here, but hey everyone has to do that sometimes on a Monday morning. And the "snapping turtle" co-worker is in fine form all f...king day!! I mean I get it, she has problems, physical ones with her back, and possible surgery, giving her constant levels of pain. But honestly, I think the lady is a bit over the top with this. For example, we had another of our co-workers return to work after a 6 month absence due to breast cancer, chemotherapy, and radiation, and the "snapping turtle" greeted her with a long drawn out description of her pain and health problems. WTF???

What I'm finding most difficult right now is the "snapping turtle's" continuous seemingly need to be nit-picking about anything and everything I do. Hell, no one is perfect, and I do make mistakes, but WTF, she is on my case because I type in someone's degree titles, (Ph.D. or MA), into their name and address on an invoice voucher???? I keep trying to just "let it go" and raise about it, her attitude, and consider the source, but at times it simply gets the best of me as I fret about what I've done, or could have said, or not said, etc. This upsets me as its definitely is down the path of the agoraphobia and panic disorder running my life again!

Then, I find out that the HR dept is denying my therapists and doctors assessment of my condition as being seriously life threatening when I was off work in January as I was fighting the terror of having another dis-associative event wherein I might succeed in finishing the slashing job on my wrist that I tried in October and HR states "suicide ideation" isn't life threatening. OK I wasn't thinking of suicide when I went into the dis-associative thing, but obviously under severe stress, anxiety, PTSD, panic, and all the rest, my mind when their when I felt I couldn't handle it anymore and much of that directly related to the bullying activities of 2 people in my office environment. WTF????

Anyway, so I did some research on definitions of "severe" mental illnesses at the State level as I am considered a state employee and sent off whatever I could find to my therapist, who has been an angel in trying to help, and she stated I should forward it to my HR consultant, which I did. AT this point, I don't know that it will do any good at all and of course all of this was just enough to put me on the point of tears today.

I keep working to maintain a positive outlook on things as its healthier for one thing and for another most of my life I've felt more positive than negative about life. But, after the long term bout with the psychopath from hell relationship, workplace bullying, and a years of pain with the undiagnosed Celiacs, its been difficult to get back in the saddle. When I got home from work I admit that I thought seriously about buying a bottle of Kahlua, although I am not much of a drinker, but its Cinco de Mayo, but talked myself out of it due to "escapism" tendencies which aren't healthy really. So ... I called my sister, who has plenty of her own problems with her thyroid issues, and Grave's disease, and ranted and raved about all the things I'd love to do to those who really seem to deserve it. And the fact that it feels like lately I, or my family, or someone I care about, deserves a break of some kind by the powers that be. I'd feel better really! It wouldn't have to be anything along the miracle line, just a bit of great and unexpected news that cheered them or made their lives a bit easier or something along those lines. Then I'd feel as if there is some balance in this world, or at least my world. Ah Hell!

Oh well!

So .... any and all readers out there pass along all the good things happening in your lives as I need to believe again that there is a balance somehow! Okay, I realize that this is somewhat idealist .... so what? I'm an idealist and I need to believe that somehow, someway, humanity will rise above our negative, baser natures, to create a beautiful world. So shoot me! *grin*

Need to get back to sleep!

Woke up about midnight as I laid down about 7:30 PM and fell asleep, so of course my brain said hey we've been asleep for hours now it must be time to wake up. LOL (or is it that age thing again? Oh sh..t!)

Have a fantastic day tomorrow gang as hey its Tuesday and we all made it through the Monday hell!

And if you have time, energy, or inclination, say a little prayer for me and I'll do the same for everyone else too!

This too shall pass!

blessed be all!

OK ... enough already

2008-04-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hey ... I've been sick AGAIN!

I guess its due to the high levels of stress for such a long time that apparently my immune system is not very responsive, so I swear I came down with bronchitis just by being in the same room with a friend who had a bad cold. OK admittedly it doesn't help that I still smoke which I do want to quit, but really on top of other stressors, I want to limit trying to do too much too soon. ACK!

At any rate there are times I think that if the powers that be are trying to kill me I wish they would do so all at once and get it over with. *grin*

So .... interesting / sad follow-up fact at work .....

When I was away from work following the dis-associative event as a direct result of work bullying, my supervisor (the bully) had apparently been on my work computer. Ok that didn't really bother me as I felt that its possible she may have needed some work information stored on my computer. However, she left the beginning of February, (thank the powers that be for everyone at my office), and her best friend, she hired, is still there, no problem as I'm committed to doing a good job and trying to work with her and let go of her mobbing activities with her bullying friend. At any rate, I'm standing in her cubicle talking while she sorts through emails on our office email system looking for something I need when I notice that an email seems to be showing my daughter's email address. WTF???? Ok, trying to be reasonable and not paranoid I check my office email account and notice that its been set to allow the ex-supervisor to proxy into my email account and read all my emails. Ok this really isn't a problem since when I was away from work its possible that she may have needed access to handle problems from others and my rarely use the work email for personal stuff, other than my daughters both know if they need to reach me quickly that when I am at work they can send an email which will immediately notify me. However, when I came back to work, AND especially since the supervisor left, it would seem honest or perhaps the "right" thing to do to inform me that my email had been made available to others. Anyway, I checked with our IT person to be sure that I was not misunderstanding, and he confirmed that my personal account had been proxyed, and then confirmed that what I had done to reset it had killed the proxy. A part of me is in shock, and another part is simply consider the source! Personally, I can understand the need when I was away from the office, but cannot justify it once I had returned without anyone notifying me. I am trying to let it go as simply consider the source ..... as in the kind of people who make those types of choices, and move on with my work life and relationships. But, another part of me feels even more angry and betrayed than before!

Oh well!

I'm also trying to make an effort to get out of my apartment more often and have joined a volunteer service hoping that this will offer me the opportunity to help others and help myself by not being too alone so often.

Still not much luck on finding a friend/partner to hopefully develop into something special, but then I suppose that patience is a virtue that requires lots of work. *grin*

My older daughter phoned yesterday to tell me that my oldest grandson, who turns 10 in about 2 weeks, may be starting on puberty with a voice change. I laughed so damn hard when she said she simply cannot handle this yet as she is only going to be 35 in about 5 days and isn't old enough yet. Personally, I think its just a beginning as it seems with boys that they go through spurts of growth and its likely that this will go on for a few weeks or months and then retreat again for a year or so. However, I can sympathize with my daughter's feeling of not being old enough as at times I'll be damned if I can figure out how I came to have daughters, 35 and 27, when I don't feel any older than about 40 myself. LOL

Anyway, need to get busy on Saturday chores and trying to play the financial balancing game of paying what bills I can while still feeding myself. Oh joys!

Thought it was funny, not haha but sad, that our president states we are not in a recession, but economic slowdown as gas prices go sky high, rent for a decent housing is out of reach for the average worker, food prices have gone up, medical costs are out of reach for many, etc. and yet our president spends millions for a war against terrorism in a country that it does not seem to exist. Hey, I'm not knocking the people that serve our country, I'm objecting to their risking their lives in an abortive effort such as the one in Vietnam so many years ago, (I grew up in that decade and lost a couple of high school friends in Vietnam).

Anyway, blessed be all!

WTF?

2008-04-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

Ok its been a busy week, with lots of stuff going on at work, stuff at home, lots of thinking.

But, here is one of the WTF? highlights.

Being interested in finding a meaningful relationship, I joined Plentyoffish.com a little while ago. Its been interesting, although somewhat disappointing in that I find many of the potentials do not follow up or are not entirely fully disclosing about their actual goals. By that I mean that I've found a few men say they wish for ultimately a long term relationship, but seem to expect a one night stand scenario to start. To me these goals seem diametrically opposed in that sexual activity is a very intimate experience and therefore if engaged in too soon with another individual tends to build resentment, or lack of confidence, or discomfort if something doesn't work out as expected or hoped and these usually spell the end of the "long term relationship" because either individual does not trust or have taken the time to build the necessary communication intimacy to discuss and work out the issued that may have been raised in the too quickly engaged sexual activity.

Anyway, being an idealist and romantic individual, I continue to hope that eventually this internet dating and other types of meeting venues will initiate a relationship the fulfills my and another individuals dreams. So, when there was a pop-up that stated a website for +40s I filled in the required information. Now not thinking too clearly at the time, as I rarely if ever give out my work number, or cell number for some reason I did fill in my work number. I suppose it was wishful thinking on my part. At any rate, someone phoned me at work and in effect did a phone interview for my age, martial status, work status, did I own a car, a credit card, process a criminal record, etc. Okay, I think this is unusual, but then perhaps its a very exclusive website for singles. Then, they want me to come into their office for a face to face interview. OKAY .... I'm thinking what the hell have I gotten myself into this time? But, being curious, I decide to agree to go to the interview. Now keep in mind that nowhere am I told the actual name of this website, other than GE and very very little actual information is given out as to why they insist upon such an in depth interview, other than they screen their prospective members against fraud, and other less than viable attributes for their members. So, I finally find the damn place and I'm late and I HATE being late. Then I notice its a very very upscale office with lots of people wondering around. Then I am put into a room to watch a video primarily promotional about all the people who have gotten married, found their soul mate, or swear by this service. Then an interviewer comes in and goes through the basic check on marital status, long term relationship status, needs, goals, the usual stuff. Then she brings in pictures and profiles of some of their clients and leaves me alone with those for about 15 minutes. Then she comes back and asks the obvious question would I be interested? Okay I'm interested, but becoming more and more suspicious as this is beginning to feel like an Amway production in that no one mentions the actual name of the company or service at the beginning or at any time in the interview process. WTF? So, finally she shows me the service options for 6 years or until married, $8595, for 3 years or until married, $7500, and for 13 months, $6485. I'm looking at these and not believing my eyes. I even ask if there is a missing period somewhere in these figures, jokingly of course. The interviewer then mentions that I could perhaps join on a student plan, for under 23 year olds, with the approval of her manager, which would be approximately $75.00 a month for 13 months. I am in shock and say so and she states that each person she interviews says this, but it does involve professional photos, and a 2 minute professional video, and access to their website and security of knowing that I will not be contacted by anyone unless I agree, etc. Hum .... beginning to sound more and more like an Amway sales pitch, or used car pitch. Once again I state that due to health issues that I am still on the painful road to financial recovery and I don't think this is a viable investment for me at this time, and suddenly I am escorted out of the office. By the way this was "Great Expectations."

I swear I was in absolute shock! I mean honestly, even IF I had the money to waste, or throw away, such as a major lottery, there are lots of ways I could spend it and to be honest I suppose I am a simple person, as I don't really "get" spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on clothes, or shoes, or make overs, or for that matter enormous houses or cars. I can see spending a lot on education, or traveling, or helping family or friends, that kind of thing. But honestly, $7500 would buy me a reasonable used car or several other necessary items of simply living. WTF????

And one of the kickers was that IF I accepted the reduced rate that I would have to sign a disclosure statement not to reveal my financial investment to prospective partners. OKay doesn't that seem a bit of a dishonest way to begin a relationship?

Then my mind starts going over the kind of men that paid that amount of money to find a relationship. I don't know whether to admire them for their commitment to find a relationship, or their stupidity or laziness in paying someone else to do the work and getting out there and meeting people or whatever. Hell I don't know as I am still confused about the entire thing!

I suppose if I were the kind of female interested mainly in financial security that the men with their service would certainly be attractive. However, I'm not that kind of female. Such, I appreciate security, but it would have be balanced with other factors as well such as responsibility, integrity, spontaneity, open-minded, good communication skills, etc. I mean really financial security would not be the top thing on my list as a balance of being satisfied with what you have and not needing to have the right house, car, or social position would mean a great deal more to me than a bank balance.

Oh well live and learn and keep on growing.

In that mode I found a webpage called MindHabitstrainer that I found very interesting. I'm going to give it a try and let ya'll know what I think in the future.

blessed be!

dee

OK .... who did I piss off?

2008-03-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

Its been tough trying to blog anything as last week I had to have minor surgery on my eyelid. I mean honestly, its just doesn't seem possible to have so many issues with health now that I am finally emotionally getting on top of things. It seems I had a small blocked duct, but not tear duct, rather there are apparently ones just beneath the eyelashes. At any rate, after a visit with a PA, why the hell do they have these physician's assistants if they are unclear on the actual problem, who decided I had conjunctivitis. However, after a week of antibiotic eye drops and ointment, the swelling of my upper eyelid was still evident until finally I woke up one morning with my eye swollen completely closed. Another trip to the doctor and this time its a blocked tear duct and use baby shampoo to gently rub the upper eyelid, continue to use the antibiotics, and see the ophthalmologist. Ok ..... another doctor's visit and it not either of the above and requires minor surgery to drain it, but that cannot be done until a course of oral antibiotics. In the meantime, I'm feeling my way around as everything is a major blur and fuzzy even with glasses. So .... being as I'm not patient, I'm determined to return to work the day following the minor surgery on the eyelid, but had not planned on the fact that the next morning it was still running blood tears. Wouldn't that have been fun at the office? *grin* So .... being the supremely patient person that I am, (NOT), that afternoon I try reading for the first time in about a week with glasses, not contacts I'm being patient remember, but getting interested in my book I read all afternoon and evening blotting the blood tears every so often for clarity. Friday I get up to go to work and find that my eye is swollen again and very sore and although not nearly as blurry as before definitely not clear. OH damn! Of course this meant that I had to be off for an entire week just when financially I am just beginning to get back on my feet. This leads to further paperwork with the office, don't ya just love working for the state, they have more paperwork for each and every eventuality of an employee. So .... now back to the doctor's again for a follow-up and paperwork exercise.

Added to all of this the HR department still hasn't released a check for my Family medical leave for the hell that started in October of last year because they have MORE paperwork they need from my therapist.

Oh well ..... I continue to try an remain in a positive frame of mind that all of this will resolve in time and in the best of possible manners.

New stuff going on in my spirit lately as I've realized that its been over a year since I've had a relationship that involves spiritual and physical intimacy. Heaven knows that the physical intimacy wouldn't be all that difficult to find, but I find that this just isn't what I need or isn't enough of what I need in my life these days. So .... its do without. And to make life a little more interesting, I'm finding that for the first time in a very long time that I'm feeling lonely at times. Its different than before the breakup with the dreaded sociopath of so many years, then I was lonely due to lack of commitment to our relationship, a lack of connection, and a lot of other lacks that I really no longer wish to remember. However, my efforts at dating after that fiasco came from a place that had more to do with rescue and a sense of worthlessness, again due to the fiasco relationship, than a true sense of seeking a relationship with someone who really needs similar ideals in their lives. Now, as a part of the healing, and previously during this healing process it felt that I really enjoyed being alone with no one's demands upon my boundaries, my time, or my energies, but now its feels more as if there are times when I really miss having a partnership, companionship, relationship, or whatever. The problem is how in the hell does an individual, such as myself with recovering PTSD, manage to find another when I'm still sometimes not very comfortable going out and meeting strangers in new surroundings? The online dating things are oftentimes ludicrous in that I find there is less integrity that I would have thought, but then I am an idealist. Sometimes, its just difficult to figure out a way of meeting others in a friendly, non-sexual, non aggressively searching for a mate format. There also remains the issue of trusting myself after spending so many years in a fiasco relationship with a sociopath. Ultimately, one accepts that despite all his lies, manipulations, control freak, self confidence destruction, etc, (its a very long list *grin*), but the bottom line remains that I choose to believe, hope, and love him. So, although I am continuing the self examination that helps to discover the parts of myself that made those choices, there is also a sense of fear about whether I can trust myself enough again to even make the minimal effort necessary to find a companion. Added to this I sometimes wonder if I am too scarred, old, unattractive, and all the other self doubts that pop into my mind to ever manage to have a healthy relationship again. Oh who knows?

There is a growing sense of myself that feels that it will be okay to being alone, IF I can achieve some of the goals to go and do some of the things I've always wanted to do. I'm hoping by the end of this year that I can be back on track to completing my BA and hopefully online in anthropology. With that its possible that I can work, somewhere warm, perhaps teaching ESL and spend my summers volunteering at Mayan archaeological sites which as always been a major interest of mine.

Logically, I lost interest in owning a home or much of anything anymore, other than a vehicle and perhaps a travel trailer. These days it feels to me as if the more material items a person acquires there is more time necessary simply to maintain them, dusting, cleaning, repairing and all the rest. I've done all of that when I was married for almost 20 years raising my daughters, etc. Enough already! Time for something new! And although to some degree if I moved around in my trailer I may not be able to visit with my daughters and grandkids as often as I might wish, the other side of that coin is that I hopefully would be doing things that I've dreamed of doing my entire life. After all with computer technology being what it is these days its not as if I would be totally out of touch all of the time. So ... I daydream and plan for the fulfillment of some of my dreams these days.

Of course this begs the other question that IF I were to find a companion would they be interested in living that type of lifestyle?

Its always a question of choices isn't it?

blessed be!

Sometimes its so hard

2008-03-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know if I am naive, stupidly idealistic, or just plain dumb, but at times I just don't understand people.

I'm referring to those people who make nasty or hurtful comments, or for that matter actions, when they seem so unnecessary, unproductive, and contrary to the goals in force at the time. In particular in my personal life it relates to a co-worker who seems bent upon being nasty as a regular feature of working together. In her case at times it simply seems that she is intent upon continuing the kind of behaviors and attitudes that her friend, my former supervisor whom I call Suzy Q, started in our office seemingly as a means of "divide and conquer" and/or power mongering in an effort to promote fear and thereby control the entire environment. One of Suzy Q's tactics was to demand that two individuals who 's first language is tagalog of the Phillippine that they regularly spoke to one another during the workday at the office. However, these two individuals always switched to English whenever another individual came to their office space and secondly oftentimes explained that they were discussing children, their families, or lunch choices to the english speaking individuals who happened to overhear their tagalog conversations. Anyway, Suzy Q demanded at one point that the individuals whom she supervised report to her each time they heard these individuals speaking tagalog, and then finally demanded that the Director insist that these two individuals cease speaking tagalog during the office hours unless they went to another area of the office. At any rate, although this former supervisor is no longer in our office, her friend that she hired is, and at times seems to promote the kind of nasty attitude and manner of her friend.

Personally, I find this very difficult to handle because it was her friend Suzy Q that instigated my own severe health problems, (diagnosed as severe anxiety disorder, with panic, and agoraphobia), that took me months of work with my therapist to discover origins, causes, and remedies within myself. But, the bottom line is that as a rule, although I am as human as the rest of humanity, I don't find it reasonable to snap at others, or belittle them, or to treat them as any less than I would expect to be treated, meaning that most often I am polite, kind, thoughtful, and seek to understand their attitudes and perceptions.

Secondly, there is a friend, male, who over the years has become somewhat of a family member in my feelings for him, and has lent me money during the years of ill health caused by my Celiac disease problems (see http://www.revolutionhealth.com/conditions/digestive/celiac-disease/?s_kwcid=celiac|867247914)
but recently jumped to conclusions regarding his credit rating based upon a co-signature of my daughter's tuition loan that had mistakenly by her been late for the very first time in the over the2 years of her repayment. All of a sudden this friend/family member was yelling at me regarding the monies he has lent me that has not been repaid, despite the fact that he is well aware that much of these monies involves what he called "renting" his house, but was in actual fact a favor asked of me that I agreed to, but turned into more of a house sitting as he was constantly coming into the house, without warning, even at times while I was in the bathroom or shower, moving his furniture, or his ailing father's in or out, consistently wondering around the house moving things or changing things, etc. Added to this was the fact that he is well aware of due to the trips he has taken me to the hospital, that my health was in severe difficulty and therefore many times I was unable financially to pay the rent he felt was his due. At any rate, all of a sudden he is yelling at me regarding monies that as I state that I can do nothing about at this time, but he is aware of my feelings of obligation and guilt that I have been unable to repay and my sincerity in wish to pay him off completely.

Therefore, I am finding it difficult this week to handle my stress levels and as a result of this another bout with my celiac's problems of severe intestinal pain, bloating, and resulting severe diarrhea, (I know too much info, sorry). This leads to a kinda depression as I feel unable to deal with the real world, as if there is something severely wrong with me alone.

However, a part of me wants or needs to believe in the hope that humankind does treat one another with compassion, kindness, and sincere caring. So I become stuck in a dichotomy of self recrimination and guilt that I am unable to recognize and accept reality and a sense of cynicism and depression that the compassion, kindness, and sincere caring that I try to practice daily is so devalued and ignored by others.

Sometimes this is such a struggle for me with its resulting confusion and self analysis and all the rest. But, somehow I cannot give up! I must for my own inner soul and personal morals continue to try to believe that although many many individuals may not choose to treat others with the "Golden Rule" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethic_of_reciprocity) that IF just one person in the pond does so that the ripples will spread to others and eventually it will truly be the rule instead of the exception.

Having said all of this however, I have to state that many many times I have found that those bloggers that I have had the good fortune to have some communication, I have found that these individuals do embody this principle of the Golden Rule and for this I am very grateful.

So .... thank you all those anonymous individuals out there who come here to share and graciously share yourselves with me with your own blogs for helping me to hold on to my own beliefs and hang on when these are tried once again. I'm so very grateful to each of you!

Blessed be!

Proud of myself

2008-03-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

OK .... I'm getting organized!

There are still a lot of bills to catch up on after the all the mess of being off work for so long, but TODAY I got busy with a budget worksheet that a friend helped me set up. So ... I managed to create a check register that keeps track of all the bills I've paid for each paycheck.

Come to think of it, I probably should put a running balance on each of them showing how much is still outstanding. However, they are always sending new bills so I suppose it really doesn't matter as ultimately I can only pay so much at time anyway. *grin*

Anyway, I'm getting there!

Its going to be slow, but hopefully when my income tax return comes I'll be able to pay out a few more.

Totally, new subject ..... I've haven't been here so long I need to update my sidebar links to the other blogs that I read as I've noticed that many of them are no longer there.

Also .... again rambling ...... need to read more new blogs .... there are so very many interesting people out there that I'd like to get to know more about by reading their blogs.

Well off to try to do some of this stuff!

Blessed be All!

Afraid

2008-03-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

I find that I am afraid to write!

There is so much pain still inside, and anger that I am afraid to write and express it for fear that it will once again overwhelm me.

I found a place (http://www.myinnerworld.com/) that encourages us to write down those things that we need to release to allow them to live on the paper and not within ourselves. It makes sense so here we go;

I'm angry still that those that used, and/or abused me and my trust in them still enjoy the benefits that they have or have achieved through misrepresentation, manipulation, lies, deceit, and abuse of others. My sense of injustice just cannot seem to accept this and although I personally do not wish any true harm or hurt to come to these individuals, there is a part of me that does not understand why there is not some form of recognition about the innate evil of their actions by the world. Yet, somehow I understand it is not my place to promote this and that karma does seem to work, but perhaps not in a way that I understand or can see in this world.

I suppose all of this revolves around the fact that I am an idealist, and not necessarily a realist. I understand that the world seems full of injustices and yet in my mind and heart and soul for that matter, I feel that all humanity does fully understand true justice, yet so little of it seems to exist yet. Perhaps, it is the media that promotes so much of the injustices that exist around the world that its difficult to see the true justice that happens. I don't know. I can only continue to try to let go of my personal injustices and allow the universe to unfold at its own pace and manner.

Of course, this requires patience which is something I have always had difficulty achieving. Practice, practice and more practice! *grin*

Another of my issues or worries involves the resolution of financial matters. Being so terribly ill for so long has not helped these and although I know they will recover in time its difficult not to wish for a win fall of some kind, although I cannot truly afford to buy lottery tickets, I have at least once in the last month. I suppose the worst of this is the financial problems that my kids are going through is also painful for me because I cannot help. IN all honesty, if all of these were due to my or my daughter's choices it wouldn't be so very difficult, but each of our financial worries involves areas in which we have had not control or ability to change, therefore it sometimes feels as if we are all being punished in some way that is undeserved and that is painful. It just would be so wonderful to be able to relieve my daughter's worries, help out my sister, and pay off my own debts, but perhaps most of all it would be a joy to be able to help someone who like me at times in my life needed some help with housing or education or something like that and do it without their knowing where it came from and without their true knowledge. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to watch these individuals pull themselves out of despair and whatever and go on to achieve their dreams of education, self sufficiency, etc.???? What a joy that would be!

Finally, there is the sense of loneliness I still feel. Some of that is in part due to the old illusions I carried about my true soul mate that turned out to be anything but that and the difficulty remaining in letting go of that illusion. There is guilt involved in that as well as I wanted to believe it so badly that I allowed others that I cared and loved deeply to be hurt. There is fear in this as well because if I choose so badly once can I trust myself to choose again? I needed to believe that the spiritual connection between two people who loved one another could be so deeply felt that we could share the same thoughts sometimes and feelings, etc. Is this really possible? I don't know anymore, or perhaps I don't know if I can believe that it is possible anymore. I want to believe it! On the other side of this is the fact that I gave "all" of myself to trying to believe it with the individual who used this to his advantage and although this time it didn't work out a part of me is impressed with my ability to give all of myself to my love. I don't know that I had ever given my whole self to anyone else before that. Yes I had been married for a lot of years, but somehow I couldn't give myself wholly to him, perhaps I sensed he couldn't handle it or I was afraid or whatever. Of course, the bottom line in that is that we both suffered from this and eventually so did the marriage. Yet, now I seem to be in a place wherein I am more comfortable being on my own, while at the same time a part of me longs for that connection of the spiritual bonding between two people who truly love one another. It's confusing!

In the meantime, I continue to try to achieve a quiet peacefulness that seems to come out of nowhere these days. Its kinda funny though because oftentimes I find myself questioning where it comes from or what it is source. But then, I try to laugh at myself (always wanting to know the answers to all the questions in my mind), and simply try to enjoy the moment!

So heres to enjoying the moment!

Blessed be everyone!

Coming back

2008-01-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

Its been too long and in my heart of hearts I have missed all of you so very much, but most of all I think I missed writing.

Its been so tough and I'm still finding my way back.

The highlights or lows;

The wonderful supervisor and new job turned 0ut to be another illusion which finally hit the wall when she threatened me and I lost to the degree of a dis-associative event that found me in the hospital with a badly sliced wrist, etc.

The panic and anxiety from this is still in force at times as I struggle to recognize the aspects of myself that reacted so dramatically to such events.

My family has been so fantastically there for me that suddenly I realized that I did not always have to be strong for them and let them be strong for me was a revelation.

The financial worries from all of this are mounting, but also there is a sense that it will all come out ok eventually.

Its about boundaries really. Those that I thought that I was strong enough to allow others to walk over without objection. Those that I loved too deeply to realize that they didn't respect them, and those that I never thought I was allowed or permitted to have in the first place.

New Years was spent alone and in a deep depression.

Letters sent to finally rid myself of the L word! *grin*

Friends that have disappeared for whatever reason and perhaps I had simply outgrown, or maybe its that I need to develop new ones.

Hopes that disappeared in the bright sunlight of reality and recognition of my true self.

"Follow my bliss" Joseph Campbell states, yet its sometimes difficult to realize where that bliss lies when lost.

A new year and I cannot for the life of me figure out how time has pasted so quickly.

Over a half century of life and yet I feel like a child.

Time again to just let go of the analysis, just feel the beauty and wonder of being alive.

As I sit here writing, and thinking, I realize that its been new beginnings again and again in my life, and each in their own way has been devastating and wondrous! The death card in the Tarot is the symbol of this.

I would wish to impart wisdom here, but in honesty the only true wisdom is that I realize I know so very little.

Heres to learning once more how to live!

I'm still learning happy grins

2007-03-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

Although to some it might seem that surviving close brushes with death would be a reason to be frightened about the mischances that life seems to throw in our way. But, for me I keep learning and finding that although these are major events, somehow they are also the universe's way of forcing us to wake up and realize just how precious and beautiful life really is for each of us. That makes it even more important, indeed paramount, that we be grateful for each and every moment that we life. Sometimes its so very difficult to do so when we are simply trying to get through each day, BUT if we remind ourselves of all that we do have and oftentimes much more than we realize then whatever that is causing the difficulty at that time becomes insignificant in the whole picture of life. Each of us, in our own special way, has something in their life to feel grateful about that they have been given, that special gift that no one can express or feel just the way that they do in their lives. AND it is a gift that the universe gives to each of us.

So, I am very happy today even though things may not be going along the lines that I had hoped or expected. There IS an expectation that the universe is sending me exactly what I need right now and I can learn and grow from all of it. But most of all be grateful for everything I have been given and all that I continue to learn and especially for each new day because everyday I am given the opportunity to learn, grow, appreciate, love, learn, and especially to make new choices, and new opportunities!

Blessed be all!

Not much or too much

2007-03-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile!

I've had that terrible flu that is more respiratory and fever than stomach and haven't felt up to much lately.

I did manage to go to the Egyptian Exhibit at the Portland Museum with a friend and thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I wished that there were a lot more of it to see with perhaps a bit more archaeological explanation about each item. However, I know somehow, someway, I am going to manage to get to Egypt myself and see these things first hand.

Also, I've been really busy at work with the new job duties, but I absolutely love it from the perspective of feeling that I am making a difference and accomplishing something every day.

There is also a friend's insistance that I view the DVD "The Secret" which I did enjoy and learn from, but found the hype part of it a bit too much for my sense of integrity. I mean honestly IF a person really understands the secret in that the universal consciousness and the sense that each of us are a part of that its exactly the opposite to this to state that those "in the know about the secret" have been hiding this information for centuries. It doesn't make sense, particularly if you state that like attracts like and each person has to maintain positive and grateful outlook to bring the like back to themselves, kinda a karmic process, then it is ridiculous to state that a person would seek to keep this too themselves out of greed or self gain. It simply does not work that way.

Anyway, I find that I am learning a great deal about myself and being grateful for the many blessings I have had in my life, even some that may not have seemed to be blessings at the time. I've found that I've learned so much even from these unpleasant circumstances that somehow there is a sense of graditude that I had the strength or whatever to get through them and learn and grow. I know that in each experience I've gained something valuable.

So, a friend of my was talking about the "Year of the Pig" and I thought I would explore my chinese sign and what follows seems pretty accurate;

BirthDay Friday, January 30, 1953
SignDragonElement Water
Chinese Name LONG
Lunar Years of the Sign1917 1929 1941 1953 1965 1977 1989
Description of the Sign Year
Grandiosity and creativity characterize the year of the Dragon. This is the time to put those big plans and big dreams into action. Get married, buy a home, have a child, move to a new location or change jobs. It's especially fortunate to have a child or get married this year. If you have artistic talent or creative ability, this is the year to create your masterpiece. If neither of these is for you, at least join in the fun and help others celebrate their big events.celebrate their big events.
Description of the Sign Personality
Idealistic and proud, the Dragon is someone you want around when something big needs to be done. They think in large terms and dream big dreams. They are direct and up front, always letting you know what is on their mind. Dragon is a karmic sign, which means they will experience more than a few extreme highs and lows in their lives. The downside to the Dragon is that some are quixotic, i.e., wildly unrealistic with their big plans, while others are simply all talk or show and no action. Flattery will get you nowhere with the mighty Dragon; they expect worship. Nevertheless, the Dragon is the sign of luck, and we certainly want them on our side.
Description of the Sign-Element Personality
Water won't put out the Dragon's fire, but this is definitely a more tolerant, more easy going Dragon. You may, however, be less likely to complete all those big projects you start. For a Dragon you are introspective and thoughtful and can excel at the arts, writing and, or, philosophy.
Description of the Sign-Element Year
Flexible Water meets the inflexible Dragon. What will give? Luckily good judgment often prevails with this combination. Under the gentle influence of Water, the grandiose Dragon has a good chance of successfully completing those big projects. It's an especially good time to tackle writing projects; so, go get that first book published this year.
Description of Home Life
Dragons love to roam and can be difficult to find in their homes. Your grandiose dreams can make you unrealistic at times, and you might have bought an expensive home or lavishly furnished it beyond your resources. At any rate it is sure to be impressive!
Hours Ruled by the Sign7am - 9am

At any rate reading all of this was fun!

blessed be

Fairy Dust!

2007-02-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

Ok I knew that being as Mother Nature, or Goddess, or whatever name ya call it, founds a balance in things, but I am so lucky lately that I am almost afraid!

After all, last year just seemed to be one knock after another and after awhile I got to thinking/feeling that there just wasn't any way out of all of it.

NOW! Bouncy, fairy dust flying high everything seems to have completely turned around!

My new supervisor at work is a doll! A fantastic person as well as simply someone that ya just want to work with and for because she gets it that it isn't all easy, that you're doing your best, and you're a part of a team. Added to this my teammates are of the same caliber and an absolute joy to be around at work.

I had to laugh when my old supervisor (the asshat from hell) came into my new supervisor's office to tell her how to do my Performance Evaluation for the quarterly cycle coming up. She simply looked at him and told him that she had her own way of doing things and that as far as she was concerned that whatever happened previously is completely off the record as I am starting fresh with her. (She had offered to help me with the grievance I still have going against the asshat as she worked for Labor and Relations for 10 years, so she knows ALL about the asshat from her own experiences with him, as well as the information she got from me.)

Today she told me that she is setting up the job description/evaluation thing, so that I am in training and then should be able to apply for a reclassification and a raise by May. I'm thrilled with this as the entire team is already impressed with how fast, and efficient I am picking up the processes involved in the fiscal job.

Then, because they originally had me sitting at the old receptionist's desk, she had me moved into the cubicle so that I had some privacy and as she said, "So people do not get the impression that you are a receptionist anymore." Gotta love this lady!

I am also flying high because a girlfriend and I are going to set the "Quest for Immortality" exhibit in Portland in a couple of weeks. I am so excited I can hardly wait for the date to arrive. Its going to be a bit of a drive, but we're old friends and never run out of banter to share and besides we are both history buffs, especially ancient Egyptian history and culture. She is more on the artistic side, and I'm totally lost in trying to understand the people and culture through what they left behind.

I've also been seeing someone a bit lately. The difference is NOW, I am not in any rush to move into a deeper relationship, meaning sex, or commitment, etc., until there is a sense for me that he is all he "says" that he is as a person. In the past my self esteem and confidence was so terribly shattered that I allowed things to move too fast too soon and ended up being upset with myself because I had not honored my own needs first. He asked me out for dinner next Wednesday which is Valentines. I didn't even realize that it was Valentines and was a little surprised that he was being so insistant that we meet in town for dinner. I guess its been so very long since someone made any effort to make me feel romantically special (at least on 1 day a year *grin*) that I had completely forgotten about Valentines Day. He also impressed me when instead of bringing flowers when I invited him for dinner he brought me some crystals remembering from a few conversations that I am a bit of a rock collector sort of person. However, I still have some doubts about whether there is a possibility of something there more than friendship because he does seem to be pushing the sex issue a bit sooner than I'm entirely comfortable with just yet. Its not a real hard push, but a bit on the earthy side for my tastes, but then its possible I am expecting too much just yet too. So, at this point I am simply letting things drift along and find their own way for both of us. We'll see! *grin*

I am hoping that all this "fairy dust" flying around lands on everyone here too!

Blessed be!

Its still getting better and better!

2007-01-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

I got the job!

The admin office was looking for a fiscal 1 position a couple of months ago and although the associate director did not think I was qualified, I applied for it AND got it! To be honest, the AD had been listening to my asshat of a supervisor, who lies and kisses ass beautifully and has a military background the same as the AD, I think the AD has been listening a little too closely instead of finding out for himself. However, I've done accounting most of my career, admittedly not on the university's type of system, but it's an old DOS system, and I originally trained on computers with DOS to the level of learning programming.

I almost laughed out loud when the Associate Director looked surprised when I mentioned my programming skills. This was during a meeting with him, my asshat supervisor, and myself were in a meeting regarding my supervisor's trying to change my personal performance plan, and evaluation to HIS wording and not my own and I refused to sign it. Although my supervisor has the title of "Human Resource Manager," he is incapable of doing the job so several months ago my dept hired a specialist with degrees in psychology and human resources development. She and I had several talks regarding my grievance, (well kinda/sorta as she cannot get involved in that as it is a union/university matter), but the conversations involved ways to get along with my supervisor better. At any rate, I think she talked to me first and had had little to do with asshat YET, and she was a bit hard line perhaps at that time, eventually as she got to know the asshat, (conversations and emails as she mentioned the emails to me), she became much friendlier with me. In fact, I had sent her a copy of my PPP and evaluation and she had stated that it was one of the best she had read, and advised only two minor changes. Anyway, by the time I was standing up for myself again against the asshat's attempts to bully, undermine, and force me to use his phrasing on my Personal Performance Plan/Evaluation, I was more than ready to not allow the Associate Director's implied, and somewhat obvious, support of the asshat to frighten me into distress, and/or anger again. So, I won that one, finally, and accepted the use of the AD's terminology that was similar to my own and was entirely opposite of the negative shading that the asshat had tried to force me to accept. In my own opinion, this was the first time that the Associate Director had really watched the asshat in action, as usually he saw the the asshat's cloyingly polite and complimentary manner that is so false it feels like being covered by a deadly poison with the consistancy of honey. I have the feeling, observing the individual communications on the admin floor while I was doing some of the fiscal 1's duties already, that the Associate Director has become less and less enchanted with the asshat because he isn't going into the AD's office as often and there aren't the gales of laughter issuing from that office when the asshat is there like there used to be previously and no one else on the admin floor talks to the asshat if they can help it. Of course, eventually I suppose the AD paid attention to the fact that the asshat has managed to offend, or upset, or anger a large percentage of the entire dept with his lies, manipulations, rudeness, and lack of the simple respect due to individuals, whether they are the lowest or highest members of the dept.

Anyway, the VERY best part of the new job is that the asshat is NO LONGER my supervisor! The dept was a tiny bit sneaky about changing my job because they did not give me the title or the raise in pay because they are calling it "training," but my new supervisor has no doubts that I can do the job, and therefore, in a maximum of 6 months, by the union contract, they have to give me the raise even if they don't give me the title.

However, with all this bringing me joy and validation, there is a part of me that feels a deep sadness. I think the biggest part of this sadness is due to the loss of illusions regarding L, and perhaps a little part due to the lack of validation about that entire situation. It scares me a bit how often my mind returns to thinking about him and many times I want to phone him again simply to prove to myself, and I think, force him to admit that he did the horrible things that he did to me. However, I know that this is not going to happen and I realize that even that much contact with L is dangerous to me, because it is in his nature to try to pull me back in simply so that he can receive the ego strokes of both being able to do that AND the love and admiration that I provided to him. Really, it only hurts when I don't remind myself to remember that the man I loved was only an illusion. Admittedly, an illusion that I was willing to believe due to my idealistic nature, but still, also an illusion that L promoted, built, and maintained to hold me, manipulate, and ultimately destroy me. Well almost! I am so very grateful for that "Almost!"

There was a time when I was positive that I would never feel anything but sadness, despair, and hopelessness about anything ever again. Most of my life seemed to play in front of my eyes through a fog of these, so that even the joy or laughter that my grandsons might bring simply hit that hazy fog of despair and disappeared into it. Its funny in a way, because so often previously I thought that I had ruined my life by my attempt to run to Seattle to escape L, (it really didn't work as he pursued me here too, at least from a distance), but really NOW I realize that this is most likely the thing that saved my sanity, even my soul. It hurt often that I had lost more regular contact with my daughters, grandsons, and the couple of remaining friends that L had not managed to distance me from entirely. But still, had I remained as close as I had lived to L previously, I truly believe without a doubt in my mind, I would have died eventually, either due to suicide brought about from extreme despair, or L would have lost it again and instead of simply beating me up, (as he had done twice before), that he would have killed me, probably mostly accidently due to his inner rage, but the result would have been the same.

Sometimes, I think about L's new victim, he calls her his friend, but I know him far too well to believe that. After all, if he is spending time with her, making love to her, I, better than anyone else alive, KNOW that L does not do anything without having already considered the advantages to himself. I KNOW that he is involved in a new business venture and he told me that he met her when she was thinking of investing in this and then changed her mind. L has told me that the business really needs investors and many times I've heard, (& once even helped with promotional materials), about his efforts to attract investors, so its obvious to me that the advantage to L is to gain control over her to the extent that he has access to her financial advantages enough to manipulate them to his wishes. I know because over the last at least 8 years that I have earned more in my secretary position in these years than he has done with all of his deals, real estate or otherwise (L always has some scheme in the works)! In a way I am truly afraid for her because I can guess what is coming into her life with L's destructive ways, and my sense of justice and idealistic humanitarism I think about ways to warn her. However, I don't know her and have no way of contacting her. Added to this, I understand that if L has already staked his claim enough to make love to her that she isn't likely to listen to me. I remember I didn't listen, not to previously relationships he had, or my friends, and even family members, because he lied to me about his relationship's existance at the beginning, and when I found out, he had me convinced that she was not reliable AND that he wanted my help to ease her into a new life without him. Sadly, she was so deeply involved AND, I think to some degree fighting her own inner demons, that she had little to say about L to me anyway. Of course that was at first, then he decided because they had a long term relationship that could provide her some leverage legally with the house, that he wanted us to all live in a poly relationship. Of course, L never told me about that part of it, only that she was so dependant upon him, childishly so, and incapable of managing on her own, that it would be irresponsible and cruel of him to force her to live apart from him. LOL, its shocking when I think now of all the manipulations and lies he told me! Of course, there was always just a grain of truth to them for L to be able to color them with validity. Not to excuse myself because by this time I wanted to believe that L loved me and had only OUR best interests at heart and whatever it took for he and I to be together. I couldn't have known that over 10 years later, even without his common-law wife in the picture, I would be still waiting, hoping, praying, begging, or anything else you can imagine, for L and I to be really together. So, I can think of no way to let his new victim know what is coming her way with L's seemingly charming, sincere feelings for her. And, I can already guess the stories about me that she has heard regarding me, IF he has even told her about me or that he continued to tell me that he loved me, while he was/is pursuing her.

Its sad isn't it? That I still miss the illusion that was L, but thankfully only sometimes in weak moments of loneliness and a growing hopefulness about a true and real future! Oh well, at least I can write it out here and see it for what it really is in the light of the words, thoughts, and feelings displayed on the computer screen. Someday, perhaps if I am truly lucky, I'll find love with someone who is not an illusion and because of this prior experience, I'll really see it and recognize its reality and appreciate it! In the meantime, I continue to struggle with the acceptance of the illusion, my part in it meaning that parts of me that needed to believe in illusions, and put it completely where it belongs, in the past.

Blessed be!

I've been there!

2007-01-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

Not many of us really face true evil in our lives. Oh we read about it, wonder about it, but relatively few of us have to face it, live with it, endure it. I realize that this is a generalization, as I have no way of knowing how many readers may have had the experience of true evil. Sadly, I understand that from what I read on some blogs, more than I would have expected probably have some idea.

Perhaps, I should define what I mean by true evil, after all there is a certain amount of individual perception involved in the experience. Ok, so for me there is certainly a level of crime and criminals and certainly their deeds are wrong, but does this necessarily mean that they are evil? After all, these people are breaking the law and oftentimes, they get caught, punished and hopefully learn the lesson. Of course, there are those that do not, they rob, steal, or whatever, and up to the point of murder, I don't know that I would necessarily state that these people are inherently evil. Certainly committing evil, but not necessarily evil in and of themselves. Murder becomes a tricky issue for me because somehow it cannot be not evil and yet, when I read of someone defending their lives, or the lives of others, or children against someone intent on hurting them, I have a difficult time thinking of these individuals as evil. However, there is a trial going on in British Columbia against Willie Pickton, who calmly stated that he wanted to murder, dismember, and torture one more prostitute to make it an even 50. To me this is true evil! The intent to hurt, maim, destroy, kill, defraud, cheat, steal, or any crime with intent to do so for NO OTHER REASON than for personal pleasure, gain, or profit. There is no remorse, there is no accidental intention, there is no pity, or guilt, or even any feeling in these people, as they appear to be empty inside, as if the evil has killed every ounce of humanity that might have ever existed within their souls.

These types of evil people exist and yet, hopefully few of us, statistically, really ever have any dealings with them meaning know them as individuals. In fact, one of the most shocking things about these individuals is oftentimes people who do know them as individuals have no idea of the evil existing within them. A great example of this is the Ted Bundy that Ann Rule knew when she worked beside him.

I cannot help wondering if there is not some innocence in most of us that we simply do not see evil even when it lives next door, down the street, or in the next cubicle at work. AND to make things worse, I think that many times when we do instinctively sense evil in another, we question ourselves, doubt ourselves, and then dismiss it altogether. Of course, sometimes its easy to do this when evil presents itself in a pretty package, charming, sweet, intelligent, and clever and all of these intent upon deceiving the very instinct that is sending warning bells sounding in the pit of the stomach.

Ok, where am I going with all of this and how is it related to my title?

Well, I've been gone a very long time from this blog due to a lot of factors in my life, but one of the biggest ones that was still in a healing / seeking to understand mode was my long term relationship with L. I broke off the relationship a little over 2 years ago and discovered, in my need to understand and heal, a webpage describing Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NOW, I do not have the qualifications to make such a diagnosis of L and certainly do not suggest that I have the necessary skills to do so. However, from the perspective of someone who has been in a very long term (10+ years) relationship with such an individual, I CAN read descriptions and evaluations provided by professionals and make a pretty accurate guess, after all, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, feels like it, and when forced down your throat (sorry to be gross) tastes like it, then its probably shit!

So ... when I first broke off this relationship, I found these professionals describing a Narcissist, who by the way oftentimes has Sociopathic, and/or Borderline Personality Disorder, and/or Psychopath concurring with the Narcissism, and the major factor that the professionals used about these people was their lack of empathy, manipulative, liars, charming deceivers, sexual predators, contract breakers, and totally without conscience, caring or concern for others. Ok, so I had seen and experienced many of these from L, BUT, these professionals also stated that oftentimes these adults were mistreated, or raised my Narcissists, and were deeply wounded souls. This too, I had seen examples of with L and I loved him and when you love someone you don't give up on them, and although throughout most of the 10 years while I experienced and suffered from many of these EXACT attributes at L's hands. But, HE always had an explanation, someone to blame, something to blame, and oftentimes it was even me, as he would convince me that IF I had been more understanding, less emotional, demanding, or whatever, that the entire situation would not have happened in the first place.

So after breaking off the relationship, I came to understand many of these things happening in my relationship with L. However, once again, a part of me hoped that somehow, someway L would understand and after all, he was seeing a psychiatrist, so perhaps there was a way that we could find our way back together MAYBE in the future. AND besides hadn't L always said that whenever he was telling me something that I found difficult to understand, and hurtful, and/or humiliating that he was ONLY trying to help me and our relationship BECAUSE he cared about me, or whatever the flavor happened to be in that particular situation.

So, on and on it went, basically me waiting, phoning, making all the efforts, suggestions, concessions, or whatever it took to hang on to the hope that L and I would find our way back to the love I thought we shared, or at least a friendship, although I'll happily relate that during this time we rarely saw each other in person, nor was there any sexual contact. (A fact that I am now thanking whatever ANGEL has been watching over me for so very long!) AND as I was doing this, I had at the same time suffered severe health issues, a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (gee I wonder why), anxiety, and a major fight with a most likely paranoid Narcissistic supervisor at work to the degree that I am still in the midst of a grievance procedure for his harassing behaviors to both myself and my daughters when I was in the hospital in May 2006.

However, basically I had not gone back to the original Narcissistic Webpage to read further, as for one thing I had read a great deal over a couple of weeks and other things in my life needed attention as well.

Although, I can say that the job situation is improving, as I have applied for and will likely receive a new job classification and raise in pay that will automatically change my supervisor. Also, as a part in that, the dept is paying for a course to upgrade my skills. Added to this, I have already been doing many of the duties of the new position for the other supervisor and she has been providing feedback to my present supervisor's boss (her boss as well) on how impressed she has been with my work, my skills, and my responsibility to the job. Also, I have moved out of my friend's house and thereby resolved some of the boundary issues that being in that situation had caused. I've found a lovely apartment, moved in and gotten settled, and began again exercising in their gym (something I used to love doing but could not due to health issues). Also, at my doctor's suggestion, I have totally removed wheat, gluten, dairy from my diet and have found that the constant pain of my IBS, or Crohns, or whatever has almost totally disappeared, so its likely that although I do not have the genetic marker for Celiac's Disease that I certainly have the sensitivity. The result of not being in constant small intestinal pain is that my depression and anxiety has eased considerably. All in all, I've felt pretty wonderful, as slowly but steadily, my life, health, and situation has improved and continuing to do so, except for the 1 circumstance that I had no one to share it with.

Anyway, this weekend, I was coming down with a cold and felt too lousy to do much of anything on Saturday. So I thought, due to a couple of contributing factors, one of which is that I had met someone that I feel I may, or could develop a relationship with given time, that I would review that Narcissistic webpage, (there is a LOT of information there if you wish to look HERE), to see if there was anything at all to hope for to resolve, or finally let go of my relationship, or at least my feelings for L. I think most of all simply to find some sense of completion, so that I could truly move on with my life.

Imagine, if you can, my horror when I read some of the articles listed there that stated that it is RARE, if not impossible, for a Narcissist to be cured, not only because of the flawed self image that sees themselves as Godlike and above everyone else, but also because these individuals cannot, and will not admit to themselves, or any one else that there is a problem within themselves that is destroying not only their lives, but those around them. But, it gets worst yet! These Narcissistic individuals are EXPERTs at reading others to the degree of appearing to possess paranormal abilities, but that it isn't that at all because they have become so practiced at reading body language, facial expressions, etc, because their very self image is built upon receiving attention from other individuals. I sat there stunned! L's favorite trick was to convince me that he could read my mind! Admittedly, I have some paranormal abilities, mostly sensing the feelings of others, highly empathic, (I could and did sense when L would be about to telephone me and would wake out of a sound sleep about 10 minutes before the phone rang.), and yes, laugh if you wish, but I have seen and felt ghosts. But, L had me convinced that his paranormal skills far exceeded my own to the extent that he could read my mind, find me no matter where I went, or even know what I was doing without being present. THIS does not mean that some of this is not possible, however, there were times when I would simply go along with his assessments because it became too distressing, and he would get upset IF I suggested that he hadn't done these things perfectly.

Want another stunner? Narcissists are very very good actors and can imitate emotions very easily. This was something I had seen L do very often, BUT of course I NEVER thought for a moment that he did so with me, after all he loved me, didn't he, even when at times there was an instant or so when I doubted the validity of whatever emotion he might be displaying, I would immediately berate myself for disloyalty or mistrust AND GOD help me if I questioned him, all hell would break loose!

But the worst, the most personally horrifying to me was that Narcissists feed on ANY attention, be it bad or good. For years, I couldn't figure it out, L would go on and on when I hurt him, never intentionally, how deeply he felt it, how devastated he was, etc. and so on, BUT then turn around and do EXACTLY the same thing to me and then refuse to recognize it, let alone accept responsibility, apologize and/or try to figure out what happened and why. I could forget that, as usually L would walk out in anger, blaming me for the entire incident. It totally confused, distressed, upset, in in some ways tore me apart! How could he display such emotional distress over something similar, or exactly the same, then turn around and refuse to see that he had hurt me in the same manner. I had seen his tears over his hurts, and I had apologized and sought to work things out, how could L not see mine? I thought I was going mad! Then to top it off, more often than not L would tell me in the most caring, thoughtful, and understanding of manners and attitudes, that I was the one to blame for being too emotional, too reactive, expecting too much from him, unreasonable, and finally L sent me to a psychiatrist! The psychiatrist did his assessments and stated that although I am idiosycratic, I had no signs, symptoms of a personality disorder, and when he asked why I was with L, I think now an honest way of trying to encourage me to think about L, I stated that it was because I loved him. It never even occurred to me that the psychiatrist was asking me about L because L had me convinced that there was something seriously wrong with me that was the root cause of our problems.

So ... on and on it went, the more I read (& I had read some of it 2 years ago, but I think my psyche and soul were so bruised that I could not take all of it in at that time), the more stunned I became at the total campaign that L had waged to totally quash and crush my mind, heart, and soul. BUT WHY??????

Then, I found the answer in that very webpage.

I am and was something he could NEVER be, an honest person, with integrity, intelligence, empathy, love to give, family who cared deeply about me, and all the rest of a normal, healthy, perhaps basically average person has within themselves. BUT somewhere deep inside L, despite all his efforts to hide the truth from himself, he KNOWS that he does not have these things. In fact, more than once he used the term that he was "empty" inside, that he did not "feel emotions", but usually in reference to how everyone in his life had hurt him, so of course I simply thought, as he intended, that I just had to love him more than anyone in his life had ever done and he would regain all that he had lost or had been taken from him. However, the real truth is L does not WANT those qualities, he hates them and all those that possess them BECAUSE IF for one second he had to admit that these were admirable qualities, THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO ADMIT TO HIMSELF THAT HE DOES NOT POSSESS THEM, and this would mean he is not perfect, just as he IS, and therefore, ABOVE the rest of us lowly humanity. So, what better way to show just how much L is way above anyone than to pursue, seduce, subjugate, shatter, dismantle, and plunder the mind, body, and soul of a person who DOES possess these qualities, because if L could do this, it would prove to himself that he IS ABOVE all of those humanity qualities, and does not need them, nor want them for himself.

To say the least, I WAS in SHOCK, as I sat there reading all of this! But still I couldn't quite believe it. It all seemed like some horrible science fiction exaggeration of some monster from space.

So, I did something that the authors of this Narcissistic Personality Disorder webpage stated repeatedly and over and over NOT to do. NO CONTACT! NO emails, no telephone conversations, no meetings, no nothing!

Still, I had to know out of pure intellectual curiosity.

So, I phoned L and just listened as he tried to manipulate my pain by telling me about a new woman he has met, (by the way over the last 2 years he has repeatedly stated that he loved me, but that he was not ready to try to work out a reconnection), and I could hear the hesitation in his voice as he waited for the reaction of hurt in mine. But, being right after reading about this type of manipulation, and it so stuck me, that I laughed instead, and said "Oh so you have already picked out your next victim?" Of course, this confused him and he immediately asked why I would say it that way. I simply stated that I was teasing and after all I knew him well and was referring to his strong ability to be seductive and charming. (Flattery and what appears to be admiration ALWAYS mollifies him for a few minutes.) Now of course, L must try again to get a stronger, deeper emotional reaction by describing her as "small, about 110 pounds" knowing full well that I had been about that weight when he met me, but due to health, depression and other factors had gained about 20 pounds (something he NEVER let me forget). Once again, I laughed delightedly because it was simply so amazing to me that L was doing EXACTLY what the webpage had predicted he would do. Anyway, on and on L went, again and again, trying to get some reaction from me and the harder he tried the more I laughed delightedly and came back with some bright and witty repartee. Finally L couldn't stand it anymore and asked me what was the problem, AND I laughed. I said I didn't know what he meant, I was just happy, and had a bit of a cold. "That's NOT it," he almost yelled at me, but I innocently replied then I really didn't know what he meant. L finally gave up and stated he could no longer continue the conversation with me because it was hard to hold the phone while he was trying to clean his studio, (he never cleans as he usually leaves it until it was such a pigsty even he couldn't stand it, but then I haven't been available to do it for over 2 years). Once again, I laughed and said that then he had better go clean and hung up.

THAT, my friends is the true face of EVIL!

Finally, I see it for all its horror. L was NEVER there, he created an illusion, and admittedly I believed it! However, according to the psychiatrists on that webpage, I didn't stand a chance really because, I am a all the things he is not and L's very nature cannot allow that to exist near him as its like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Most of all, because I am, as are most people, all of these things, we do not see EVIL for what it really is because we do not recognize it in ourselves. Sure, we all do bad things sometimes, hurt others, make bad choices, but inherently we within ourselves are not evil, therefore we cannot recognize it when we see it right in front of us because we have no real experience of it within ourselves.

So my friends, IF someday you are faced with true EVIL remember this story and recognize it immediately for what it is! Don't stop, don't pass go, don't collect your money or whatever, but get yourself as far away as possible as fast as you can and never, never look back and doubt your instincts about it.

Part II "The Evening"

2007-01-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

I had this ending in draft for some time and thought its about time I finished it. So here it is.

I hadn't really given my story a title. To be quite honest it's probably due to the fact it gained a life of its own, or its characters did, not sure which it was because I rarely plan out a story it simply begins to flow through me when I begin writing it.

=========

"THE EVENING" Part II

She started to relax a bit thinking that perhaps 30 strokes would not be too horrible then he quietly reminds her that these WILL BE PUNISHMENT. Once again, she flinches and stiffens in response to the deep warning tone of his voice.

"You are going to count the strikes out to me," he states firmly.

"Do you know why?"

"Yes Sir, I think so," she almost whimpers as she says this because she understands that he is far more annoyed than she had expected he would be with her playful attitude. Usually, he would not have her count out the strokes because she tends to slip into subspace easily and when that happens she loses her ability to speak clearly, if at all. In subspace for her the only sounds she seems able to produce are moans, yelps, and a variety of other nonverbal responses.

"Yes that is it my dear," sensing her fear and absolute submission as she realizes, finally, that although he has been patient and tolerant of her playful disdain to his wishes as her Master, he has now run out of patience.

"This time you WILL remember that as YOUR Master when I tell you to do something, I expect you to obey, immediately and without question. I will accept no less any longer. Although my instructions may not be exactingly specific, you understood my intent, therefore any sly transgression becomes a gesture of contempt for me as well as our relationship"

He pauses for a minute to allow his words to sink into her soul.

"So this time the punishment will not be playful because I want it burned into your memory with every stroke and every time you sit down," his voice sounding flat with seriousness and a touch of pain.

She blanches with fear as the color seems to drain from her face and body like water flowing off her skin. She has never really heard him sound this grave before this. Oh, he has punished her before and those times it did hurt, but there was a tiny sense of playfulness between them at those times. Although, she always remembered more than a few of the lessons learned from each of these punishment sessions. The dilemma for her is that cannot resist being playfully cheeky at times. She knows that she does not actually aim for these incidences of audacious behavior to be truly disrespectful or contemptuous of him as a person or her Master. Rather for her, she is so genuinely in love with him as the man he is as well as her Master that she cannot resist repeating the experience of completely and absolutely submitting to him all over again. Those instances where he once again displays his control and mastery of her are parallel to the beginning of their relationship. That instant that she knew that she fell in love with him and accepted the trust and respect due to him as her Master. It's as if deeply hidden in her subconscious is the fear that she is too extraordinarily unique for anyone to cope with, so that each time he re-establishes his control over her allows her suspend the fear and self-conscious control of herself and simply trust him to understand. Tears begin to slip silently down her cheeks as she comprehends how deeply her attitude has hurt him.

He watches her gravely noting her gradual understanding of the gravity of the offense to both himself and their relationship. As he observes the silent tears coursing down her cheeks, he is conscious of the compassion he feels for her anguish, but knows that she needs to learn this fundamental lesson.

"Are you ready, he asks sternly.

She only nods her head silently, not trusting her voice to not betray her anguish. Tears now might only appear as a plea for clemency and she knows that she does deserve to be punished.

He steps back a step to allow his arm full range and strikes her squarely across both buttocks.

"One," she moans.

"Two, Three, .... Twenty," and she is yelping with each strike and she cannot help herself from trying to wiggle away from them. Tears are running steadily down her cheeks as she tries to hold on and endure because there is not any opportunity to slip into subspace with these.

He notes her efforts with some satisfaction, but also with a sense of remorse because he really does not enjoy punishing her. Although he will no longer dismiss her attitude and does understand its sources, its still not the truly pleasurable part of their relationship and commitment to one another. Despite himself or perhaps due to his compassion, he slows the force and impact of his strokes.

Finally, "thirty," she sobs out.

He allows to to sob out her mental and physical anguish for a minute or so. Then he walks up behind her and gently rubs her painfully crimson ass with one hand and with the other turns her head to face him and kisses her gently on her lips. Slowly her sobs decrease as she responds to his kisses, although she still flinches as his hand wonders over her excessively sore ass.

He moves away from her, but she is still too immersed in her tears to notice until he returns with a glass of water and holds it to her lips for her. She drinks thirstily and slowly recovers her composure. He watches her intently noting when she has calmed down enough to pay once again attention to her surroundings. Only then does he move to remove her cuffs and release her from the St. Andrews Cross. She responds with complete compliance almost to the degree of a sense of out of body or at the very least without a will to control her body as she defers to his leading her to the bed.

He smiles gently at her when her tender backside is seated on the edge of the bed and she groans in protest.

Her eyes gape hugely at him as he scoots her back further onto the bed by holding her hips firmly against the embroidered bedspread causing her stinging posterior further discomfort. For just a split second she considers growling or some other display of annoyance at his inconsiderate regard for her soreness, but is stunned at his penetrating attention on her expressions. He grins delightedly as she comprehends that he was watching closely to her reactions.

"That was close wasn't it?"

She nods demurely thanking her often defunct common sense for being awake enough this time to prevent further recriminations.

She lays back on the bed and allows herself a sigh of relaxation as he watches her. Her backside is still sore and aching, and she is trembling both from the punishment aspects of what has happened, the psychological aspects of both the trust and love she has for him as a man and her Master, and what this means to both of them. She watches his face as he watches hers carefully evaluating the thoughts and feelings displayed there.

Her heart seems to skip a beat when she sees the understanding and compassion, but most especially the love he feels for her move his mouth into a slight grin, and his eyes burn with the depth of his emotions.

As he moves to lay his body on top of hers, she moans as the need to feel all of him grows within her and she hears his whisper in her ear, "MY little one, I love you!"

The words bring the tears again, but these are not tears of pain or remorse, but tears of joy and happiness and as he lifts up on his elbows to look into her eyes, she sees that there are tears in his eyes too as he grins at her. He kisses her gently and they both feel the others tears on their cheeks. There is a sense of completeness in this kiss as if they both understand one another fully and accept and love one another as they are imperfect humans.

He breaks the kiss with a bit of a laugh as the kiss deepens and starts to become a quest for a deeper expression of their to possess one another as a means to cement the bond they share. She whimpers and moves her hips compulsively beneath him as he pulls away a bit to remove the last barrier of his boxers remaining between them.

He laughs outright now.

"Aw, MY little slut, always in such a hurry."

She opens her eyes and watches him slowly slip down his briefs noting the outline of his sex and how it springs free of its bonds displaying his need of her too. But as he once again lays upon her and begins nuzzling her lips, neck, and shoulders, she notes that he makes no move to enter her despite her attempts to open her thighs fully and to move her pelvis up to invite his entrance and she groans in protest.

He chuckles at her groan, and growls softly; "Only when I am ready, MY hungry little slut." And then as if to accentuate his point he rubs his member slowly up and down her slit spreading the outer lips ever so slightly and gently rubbing back and forth against her engorged clit.

Once again he laughs out loud with pleasure as she moves her hips upwards trying to force him inside her and groans with agony each time she fails.

He pulls himself away from her and lifts himself enough to reach her nipples with his mouth, tongue, teeth, pulling first one then the other into erect points of desire while squeezing her breasts together with his hands.

She screams with both intense pleasure and need as her nipples and breasts respond to his manipulations that seem to have a direct connection with her clit as she feels it swell even more with her need of him. She begins to beg, but there are no truly intelligible words in this other than "Please, please, please."

"Please what my dear?"

She can only groan, and once again as he moves himself between her thighs, tip her pelvis up to invite his entrance into her center.

Once again he laughs as he pulls himself back from her attempts to capture his cock inside herself.

"Not that easy my dear, tell me what you need, I need to hear the words my love."

She groans again and shakes her head trying to assimilate what he is asking of her. She hears his demand, but her mind, body, and spirit have been overtaken with the intensity of the need she feels to be taken and possessed by him and she cannot consciously think of the necessary words he demands to accomplish this.

He moves over to lay beside her with a chuckle.

"Need a minute, my dear?"

She groans and rolls on her side to snuggle against him burying her face in his chest and nuzzling the hair that grows there. He reaches around her to hug her fiercely against him and then reaches down to squeeze her bruised bottom eliciting another small combined scream and groan as she scoots more tightly against him.

"Please make love to me Master," finally strangles out of her throat as she struggles for breath around her groans and moans of need and excitement.

He smiles as he once again claims her mouth with his and rolls them both together where she lays open and waiting beneath him. Holding the kiss, he grasps her thighs and pulls them up over his shoulders and then with one swift movement of his hips enters her deeply, burying himself the hilt inside her wetly grasping center.

She shrieks at the abruptness of his action of taking her and the invasion of his member that so stretches her that is a combination of pain and pleasure so intense there is no way to define or describe where one ends and the other begins.

And so it begins the rocking motion that spells the act of love that binds two souls into one, this nirvana wherein each feel that the other is no longer a separate body or soul, but for this time and for these hours they achieve a sense of the supernatural miraculousness of the love they share and this expression of it.

Hours later they lay together in the beautiful four poster bed and try to catch their breath as they share a glass of water. Slowly their bodies cool and dry as they begin to talk about the things of daily living, he about his upcoming business trip and she about her work, sharing their thoughts and feelings about each subject and eventually they both drift into a gentle slumber for the few remaining hours of the night.

In the early morning light she awakens to the sound of his singing in the shower and smiles as she hears his voice singing the words of their favorite song, their song. She rushes to join him momentarily forgetting her bruised behind as she scoots across the bed, but grins slightly as she is reminded and remembers the entire night.

As she joins him in the shower, he pulls her into his arms for a tight embrace and laughs at her as she rests in the custody of his arms and then as the water splashes over her head and she comes up gasping and laughing at the same time. They laugh together companionably and he hands her the soap as she kneels at his feet to bath him from his toes to the top of his head. Then he does the same for her, pausing briefly to pay special attention to her breasts and then moving downward to tease her clit and chuckling delightedly at her reactions.

"Hum, MY little slut, ready again so soon?"

She laughs with him as she groans, "I don't know if I could, even if I DO want to."

They laugh again together as they kiss and turn off the water and begin to dry one other. As she pulls on the luxurious terry robe provided, she frowns slightly as she watches him pull a clean shirt, shorts, and socks out of his bag.

"What am I going to wear? I only brought the gown and the underclothes I wore last night."

He grins at her mischievously, "You have your coat."

"I can't wear just that to drive you to the airport, I guess I'll just put on the gown and slip."

He gives her that look that suggests she had better be paying very close attention.

"I don't think its a very good idea to remind me so soon of your disobedience last night."

She freezes motionless at the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes and drops the dress to the floor.

He motions for her to pick it up and hand it to him then he places the gown and slip into his bag and hands it to her along with her long leather coat.

She slips her bare feet into her heels and shrugs on the leather coat gasping a little as it molds against her body with its chill weight.

He pulls her close and kisses her and then leads her to his car and hands her the keys. They talk quietly as she maneuvers the car through the busy morning traffic on the highway to the airport. As she pulls into the loading/unloading passenger area, he leans over and gives her a deep kiss.

"I'll call you to let you know what time my flight gets in on Sunday morning. Oh and kiss the kids goodbye for me and tell them I'll bring them something special when I come back."

"Oh and one more thing My little slut, don't forget your lessons."

She looks into his eyes and grins mischievously, "Aw, but its so interesting when I forget them, isn't it?"

He laughs, "I remind you that you said that when I get home."

A partial explanation for not blogging

2006-09-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to write much of this as it has been so painful to experience and the resulting stress hasn't been easy either. However, so many blog friends have asked about me and my absense, (THANKS for caring enough to ask), that I thought just putting it here in its stark reality might help somewhat.

My health, ack! I have a chronic condition that currently is diagnosed as IBS, however it becomes life threatening when it spasmodically closes the small intestine. It is extremely painful at times and causes violent vomiting. I cannot seem to write this in my blog but perhaps explaining to you will help ease some of the shame and anguish. In May, I had been through a couple of weeks of pain and vomiting with my intestines. I felt that my life was a shambles with my youngest daughter's immigration issue still unresolved, work issues, financial issues, and relationship ones as well. Oh Joy! At any rate, after a particularly upsetting letter from my supervisor, an asshat from hell with power issues, I had phoned a friend (who also happens to be my landlord) asking for his help and suggestions. I was deeply depressed feeling as if everything in my life was out of control, as my health and other problems seemed to suggest, and I was simply tired of the whole damn thing. I was taking prescription drugs to help me sleep and for depression, but still had not been sleeping well as the pain often woke me during the night. So this particular Saturday night, I just wanted to sleep without waking and took a handful of the sleep aid depression drugs. Yes, I did think briefly that I might not wake up but at the same time I was in pain and not truly caring one way or another. Of this, I am ashamed, but it wasn't a true act of attempting suicide, but rather a sense of simply not caring enough about anything else but stopping the agonizing pain. However, I did wake up and immediately thought that was extremely stupid and then had some resulting arrhythmias that I learned were possible from that particular drug that sent me to the hospital on Sunday just to check out. Monday morning, I got ready to go to work and immediately suffered what felt like a heart attack that sent me once again to the hospital and being a totally honest person I did mention what drugs I had taken, those I had been taking on a regular basis, but my symptoms only seemed to resolve with nitroglycerin so they kept me for tests. However, the psychiatrist that I had seen briefly in Sept 2005 decided that I was a suicide risk and called in King County Mental Health officials to have me committed despite the fact that I agreed to seek help with the therapist I had been seeing since Sept 2005 to March 2006 and IF she stated that I required commitment, I would agree. However, the King County Mental health worker showed up in my room at 1am, after I had been given drugs to stop the vomiting AGAIN and severe anxiety attack, not to mention the anxiety from all the tests that eventually turned up negative for heart disease. However these same perscribtion drugs, perscribed by the psychiatrist in Sept 2005, and I had taken faithfully since, were known (but never told to me) to cause severe anxiety and panic symptoms that can resemble a heart attack as well as one of the known to cause stomach problems. At any rate, this mental health worker was very rude in that he was threatening and at one point when I asked a question stated that he was not there to answer my questions "little girl" that he was not going to play mind games with me and then told me I was being committed because I am persnickety??? WTF So, I ended up being transferred in the middle of the night to a mental health hospital wherein even the nurse who checked me in seemed to feel that I should not have been there. At any rate, an interview with the psychiatrist there (after being told that I was involuntarily committed because I had said NO *without being permitted to explain why* to 2 of 4 questions being would I agree to group therapy and prescription drugs, so when this psychiatrist once again prescribed 2 more drugs for anxiety and depression I accepted them. Then came an interview with the court appointed lawyer who stated if I lost my case (they can only commit a person involuntarily for 72 hours without a court hearing to hold them longer) that they could lock me up for 90 days and another county mental health worker who saw me about 10 mins and all of these after a minimal nights (by the time they got me to the mental health hospitl and checked me in it was 4:30 in the morning)sleep and heavily drugged. Anyway, they all (except my lawyer) signed a statement that I should be committed and left it on my bed while I was outside having a cigarette. Later that afternoon the RN in charge of my group, when I went to her shaking and disoriented, told me that I could refuse any drugs and once listening to me agreed that the prior drugs I had been taking for depression, sleep, and antispasmodics for my intestines were quite possibly responsible for my decision to take too many on that Saturday (known to cause impaired judgment). So .... she let me into the library where I had access to the prescription drug book and looked up all the drugs I had been given. The ones that the psychiatrist had given me at the mental hospital were known to cause anxiety and the other one known to cause mental memory confusion and inability to focus. The others I was taking prior to the hospital were wellbutrin and trazadone both known to cause anxiety in the long term as well as one known to cause stomach problems and these had been prescribed by the psychiatrist I had seen in Sept 2005 and I had taken them faithfully since. Needless to say, I refused any further drugs, (& have continued to refuse any drugs for depression or anti-spasmodics). I was furious and so when I saw the hospital psychiatrist, on Thurs morning before going to court, I ripped him a new one. At one point, he stated that he thought I was displacing my anger! Oh sure (majored in psychology and know their methodology) and I asked him did he not give me the drugs knowing full well that I was already suffering from such severe anxiety and panic, that it had sent me to hospital with what appeared to be a heart attack? I was so damn furious that I was yelling at him and then they drove me to the courthouse to defend my right to be released from that hell hole and told me that I would be alone. Luckily my oldest daughter was there and a friend and major surprise, my father had flown up from Calif, and come to find out the that county mental health worker had tried to get a statement from my friend without his knowledge from a phone conversation with him. However, when the prosecutor presented it to him for his signature he looked at it and found so many errors and misconstructions that he told the prosecutor that he refused to sign it and if he put him on the stand he would make it clear just how the information was gained and ALL of the inaccuracies, etc. So the defense lawyer stated that they were offering to release me on probation for 90 days if I agreed to see my therapist and I agreed and was released. Afterwords, I got home to another situation as my father and oldest daughter had not spoken for 7 years, my son in law was bringing my grandsons for the weekend and I still had panic attacks from the drugs and stress happening every few hours. Not to mention, the supervisor from work who had demanded diagnosis from my daughters while I was in the hospital as well as what hospital in the most rude and inflammatory of terms. Lets just say it was a hell of a weekend!

So ..... I am still dealing with the grievance procedure with my union against this supervisor. I tried and am still thinking about pursuing a legal case against King County Mental health, but I have had little success with the ombudsman for them or a psychiatric abuse group. AND my oldest daughter has her ideas on how I should be handling things and gets angry that I do not do as she demands would be right, in her opinion. AND my friend, and landlord, who fought with the prosecutor about the statement just phoned me last Friday at work, after my being in hospital for my small intestine obstruction on Aug 24 and 25th, to tell me that he wanted me to move in 2 months.

Shall I continue? Laughing my ass off (AFRAID to cry as might never be able to stop)!

So ..... needless to state I just have not been able to get this down on the blog or to anyone till now. So thanks for listening or at least taking the time to read all of this mess and any suggestions would be wholly appreciated! *grin*

This was taken out of an email I sent to a friend.

However, I am still recovering and doing my very best to handle the stress in a positive manner and looking forward to making myself a new life, in a way, because risking it (maybe) gave me the opportunity to begin once more.

Wish me luck!

On hold

2006-05-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Tears seem to be threatening to overwhelm me lately so I just have not been able to write much. Just too much emotional backlash for me to handle just yet.

But, I've been reading my favorites, not commenting much, but still interested and caring about the things each writes.

I'll be back!

Happy drunk

2006-04-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

So Thursday night, P and R dropped by the house. We are all very old friends and they are both males that I love as friends, although there was a time when both of them wanted more than simple friendship with me. Truth be told I suppose R continues to feel that once I have worn myself out with my search for the "right" one for me that I will come to him. I've told R more than once that I am not the one for him but he saw what I could be with L, the total slave, and would like that for himself. However, R does not see that with L, I was motivated by a deep love and deeper connection. So althought R is a wonderful Dom, we go to parties at times and do D/s activities at times, and yes he and I can manage to find enough of a connection to "play" well together, it is NOT enough for me. I need more than a purely BDSM connection to commit to a full relationship. Besides which R is a definite Sadist, but I am not a masochist and therefore he misses the connection just enough to be a little too rough for me. The bottom line I suppose is that as old friends I do truly care for him deeply, but he does not and cannot touch my soul.

OK that was a lot of rambling to reach my point! *grin*

The point was that we three went out for drinks on Thursday. I am not much of a drinker because I am a bit allergic to alcohol so that second margarita was one too many. It just tasted too good and the company was so much fun for me to resist. Fortunately, I was not seriously drunk, as in no vomiting etc., but definitely feeling litte pain. Thankfully too, I am a very happy drunk and in that condition I want to phone everyone to tell them all the wonderful things about them that make me care. You all here should be pleased that I do not have your phone numbers programed into my cell because late night phoning in that condition is the rule rather than the exception.

So in all of this bounteous good will and happiness, I phoned TC to tell him how excited I am about going with him to see the Mariners game on Monday. I truly did not expect him to answer his cell as he has mentioned that he often leaves it in the car when he is home and it was fairly late, after 10:30 or so. Thats another thing I never phone anyone usually after 10pm as I generally consider this rude unless it is an emergency. So when TC answered I was completely flabbergasted! I stumbled quite a bit to finally tell him why I had phoned and then like an idiot stated that I missed him. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT ..... I hadn't really meant that in that way because what I meant to state was that I missed talking to him. He is so damn interesting about so many things that interest me as well so this was what I meant to say. However, in my slightly inebriated state I forgot the FULL phrase I had intended and just blundered into an drunkenly obscure explanation of what I meant to say.

Of course at the time I was embarrassed, but this was nothing to what I felt about it when I remembered it the next morning. I have GOT to wonder at times that although I have never blacked out when drunk, it might be more soothing to the nerves the next morning. *grin*

So slightly hung the next morning, Friday, I got to thinking what TC may think about that phone call from me. Hell he has told me that his ex-wife became an alcoholic and me phoning in that state may be highly disturbing to him. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! Finally, I asked my girlfriend M what she thought and she agreed that it may help if I just sent him a note stating that I hoped I had not pained him with my phone call and explain that I am a very happy drunk who simply loves to share with everyone in that state AND that I rarely drink. OYE VEY!!!! I think before TC got that email he phoned me Saturday morning and I had the chance to apologize directly and was thrilled when he just laughed and brushed the phone call off completely. Whew!!!

This is getting longer than I intended so I'll tell you about the Beltane pagan celebration later. *grin*

Blessed be all!

agree?

2006-04-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am not at all sure that I agree with this particular BLOGTHINGS:

Your Birthdate: January 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate.
You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken.
And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted.
Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved.

Your strength: Your flair

Your weakness: If you think it, you say it

Your power color: Scarlet red

Your power symbol: Inverted triangle

Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Hum .... its possible that the weakness is correct a little bit! *grin* But the color is so very wrong as I tend to look faded and washed out with red especially near my face. I would not be surprised at all that some people are not that impressed with my personality, but then I also doubt that there are those "addicted" to me either.

Oh well it was kinda fun to do!

OH .... so excited because a new "friend" has asked me to join him for a Mariners game on Monday night. I have never been to Safeco Field (just too damn expensive for my price range) so am really looking forward to that as well.

Wish me luck! *grin*

Wonder if I should wear something a bit red? LOL

Ok this one made me laugh out loud hard!

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth.
While you may not be a total hippie...
You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around.

You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure.
However, you do put some thought behind all your actions.
Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Do not intend to offend people, but have no problems whatsoever with shocking them sometimes. (still grinning evilly!)

Ok this is so me it is spooky! (still grinning evilly!)

Your Quirk Factor: 73%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

Thoughts

2006-04-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

Interesting that my date on Saturday turned out to be quite enjoyable. I suppose that "interesting" is not precisely the word for it because I am intrigued by this guy if for no other reason than he is not behaving like a lot of the guys I meet these days. He is polite, not pushing for immediate sex, able to talk about things that I find interesting such as history, archaeology, and such. So best of all is that if nothing else he has renewed my hope that not all of the guys out there are idiots from the perspective of dating a new female. Although, he did shock me for a second when I realized that he was obviously quite well off financially. I have no problems with that as he has not mentioned it or tried to show off in any way. I just had a knee jerk response of shock when I saw his house and car in that I am as poor as a church mouse and whether I have enough class for his lifestyle. I've settled down now and OF COURSE I do. I know what clothes to wear for certain functions, I do not cuss in inappropriate situations, I listen well, and I know which silverware to use on occasion. *GRIN* So ultimately it does not matter to me, however, I am still cautious to discover whether it matters to him.

So ...... taking things slow and being cautious still is the watch words for now.

Also, I still have not finished the ending to my other story. I am working on it but been busy with other things so it is not quite done.

Therefore, I thought I would post something that I wrote long ago just for fun!

THE SHOW

We enter the dark cavern illuminated only by the flickering images on the screen.
As my eyes adjust to the dimness, I begin to realize that other than those on the screen,
I am the only female present.
Embarrassed by the graphic images dancing on the screen,
I try to avoid watching, while also trying not to catch the attention of any of the male patrons.
My Lord’s firm command directs my attention to the screen couple’s sexual play.
At the same time, he begins to brush his fingers along the inside of my thigh.
I am beginning to be frightened of my Lord’s intentions and
the other viewers seemingly too obvious lack of interest.
My Lord’s insistent hands push my dress up around my waist as his voice demands of me to further widen my thighs.
The center of my womanhood is now exposed for all interested parties.
I abruptly feel the coolness of the night air as it caresses the dampness beginning to collect on the swollen lips of my womanhood until my Lord’s fingers insert their warmth into the center of my being.
Suddenly, without my previous notice, the other patrons have moved closer to me.
As the screen images become more vocally ardent,
my own gasps of delight and distress accompany theirs.
My Lord unzips my dress and reveals my breasts to the man who has moved within two seats of my own.
I am alarmed, and yet aroused,
as my Lord’s fingers increase the rhythm of their movements.
As the man next to me stands to complete his own manipulations,
we are joined in spirit in the throes of passion.
My Lord informs me that this gentleman is making such and obvious effort to be seen that it would be impolite of me not to watch him.
The images on the screen begin to become simply an orchestration to the play enacted in the seats.
While the orchestra reaches its dramatic climax,
so does my standing friend.
My Lord counsels me that I have used my body correctly to excite and \entice others at his request and now he rewards me
by allowing me to achieve my own pinnacle of release.
As I begin to calm down, my Lord zips my dress and covers my exposed flesh
and taking my hand leads me out of the theater and
into a new realm of submission.

Somedays I hate my life

2006-04-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

Its one of those days wherein I simply HATE the loneliness of not having someone (meaning significant other) around who just loves me. Someone who wants to hold me, listen to me, share with me, watch a movie, go for a walk, make love with me. DAMN!

I hate these days and its only sometimes that it really gets to me.

As a rule, I don't mind having my time to myself and making my decisions based solely upon what I want or need at that moment without worrying whether this will be all right with some other significant person.

But sometimes, my favorite books, the old movies that I love, my family, and friends all seem to simply feed the loneliness instead of healing it somewhat. I hate this because it seems so damn unreasonable really.

After all I have a great deal to be grateful for in my life. My girls, grandkids, friends, but DAMN it just is not enough at times like this.

OK ... want to know just how foolish I am, or how lonely?

I phoned L. Actually, I had a very bad dream about him a few nights ago and was becoming truly upset when I could not reach him to find out if anything had happened. I finally got him last night and he said that he has the flu seriously again and had a couple of very bad nights on the night I had the dream. The psychic connection we always shared still seems to be in effect. I wonder if it will ever disappear or subside? Of course all of this means that I have been thinking of him a great deal once again. So .... I phoned to ask, "what would you say if I asked you to come back to me?" L said exactly what I thought he would, that he is unable emotionally, physically, or financially to handle a relationship with anyone right now, and added that this has nothing to do with me personally. OH HELL ... I hate it when I am right.

Although, what is far more disturbing is why I even wanted to ask L that question. I am not entirely sure that I would wish to become involved once again in a relationship with him. Yes I do think he has some severe narcisstic personality traits, but I do know that these are not all of him. Of course, I would have to qualify that with the statement that they may not be true 100% of the time, but am I willing to deal with them at all.

The worst is that although a small tear escaped when he said that, it didn't devastate me and when he stated he was sorry I could honestly state that there was no reason for him to feel sorry as he simply stated how he feels.

It just annoys the hell out of me that I cannot really define WHY I wanted to ask L that question. The only real reasons/excuse may be that I am truly lonely and I can remember times when with L that I did feel loved. Also, the psychic connection contributes its weight as well because it is something that I felt wonderful about sharing with him. OH HELL! AGAIN!

I am supposed to have a "date" (feels totally weird to use that word at my age) on Sat for an early dinner and movie. However, have not heard a word from him since Wed by email when we agreed that Sat would work for both of us. He does have my phone number. The last time we agreed to do this he changed it at last minute because of the NCAA playoffs and wanted to meet me at a sports bar. I felt that would be ok, although somewhat cautiously thinking that I'd watch to see whether he could hold a conversation with me and watch the playoffs. Perhaps sensing that if it was going to be all about watching him watch the screen or his brief responses to me, even if about the game, would be an indication of "possible" relationship material. A migraine of unusual magnitude but a resounding not going to happen on that event. AND since other than a few emails his response or pursuit if you will has be negligent. So????

OH well, there is a cure for all things I am told and somehow, somewhere, I will discover the one for what ails me.

Blessed be ALL!

WHAT???

2006-04-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

I first heard this on the radio Friday morning as I was getting ready for work. They have various questions on the weekdays that invite listeners to phone in the correct answer to win prizes. The DJs always quote some research as the basis for their questions and sometimes they are fairly interesting. However, this one had me totally baffled! So I took some time to see if I could find anything about it by google search AND there really is a study done.

Go read this! Its from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation.

Various Aromas Found to Enhance Male Sexual Response

Ok ... so what confuses me is why would the researchers mix the smells of pumpkin pie and lavender in the first place?

I mean really how often are they mixed or found together in real life?

The second one was "Doughnut and black licorice" and once again how often is this combination going to be found together?

Finally, the study was done on only 31 men. I mean really this cannot be a true statistical base because the group was too small.

Anyway, the whole thing got me wondering about the smells that promote response in men and if this research states it is pumpkin pie and lavender is really accurate then I am in big trouble. How the hell am I going to find lavender and pumpkin pie perfume? AND if not available anywhere .... (imagine the looks I'll get at perfume counters) then trying to mix pumpkin pie mix and lavender oil is going to be messy to say the least, not to mention that it is going to feel and look odd pasted behind the ears and at wrists. I mean really can't men just find something easier to find stimulating?

Oh well back to the drawing board because if these aromas are the ones that cause male sexual response then I am totally out of the loop somehow.

Finding old friends

2006-03-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Last night while I was cleaning out a closet I found a bunch of prose and stories that I had written in the late 90s. I was so pleased because I thought they were lost forever in various moves.

Some of the prose gave me pause as they so clearly displayed my uncertainty about my place in my ex's heart and soul. Many of these show the manipulation of my ex as I tried over and over again to prove my love for him. Yet there was no real sadness in rereading them. There was more of a sense of something lost and the trials, and anguish I suffered as something was gained as I achieve my present sense of the fullness of my being. There was a kind of something finally passing out of my life as I am reborn with a new awareness of my needs, my worth, and my abilities. So although a bit sad, there is a joy and I went to bed with a smile on my lips.

Nevertheless, there are a few stories that I thought, being as I had not finished the other one I started yet, might appease a bit. *grin*

================================

THE POOL

As we enter the indoor pool area, I notice a very tall, black male get out of his car in the parking area. He arrives at the door to the pool area at the same time as us so we hold the door for him to enter as well, thereby saving him the search for his keys to the poolroom. I begin to grumble quietly that we are not going to be in the pool alone, but you frown at me and I quickly stop. Then as you enter the men’s locker room along side the black man, I notice that you begin to exchange a few words.

When I come out of the ladies locker room, I immediately immerse myself in the hot tub sighing contentedly as you appear and join me. The black man appears shortly after you, goes to the pool, and begins to do laps. As I watch him admiringly, you tease me about being aroused by imagining what lies beneath his tightly fitting swimming trunks. As you watch me blush with embarrassment, I admit to trying to avoid being obvious, but you insist that I check him out thoroughly at my first opportunity. Suddenly you desert me leaving me alone in the hot tub and begin doing laps in the pool alongside the black man. Eventually, the two of you rest at the far side of the pool, out of my range of hearing, and begin what appears to be a rather serious conversation. I notice during your conversation that the black man glances back at me in the hot tub and just as I am becoming a little nervous that the conversation is in regards to me, he laughs and restarts his laps. I breathe a sign of relaxation thinking I had no need to feel uncomfortable or nervous. From the other end of the pool you motion for me to swim to you. As I ease myself into the definitely colder than the hot tub pool, the black man steps past me to get into the hot tub. He gazes intently at me for a moment before smiling cordially which I return. When the black man is concentrating upon easing himself into the hot tub, I bashfully observe his swimming trunks more closely. Unfortunately, just as I have made a quick glance, I feel his eyes on me and looking up meet his eyes smiling mischievously. My whole body blushes furiously and to hide my intense embarrassment I quickly slide into the pool and swim to you at the far end. The minute I surface, you chuckle as you notice the blush that has not faded much from the cold water.

"Got caught didn't you?"

Then you laugh aloud as I try to hide my face in your wet shoulder. You pull me closer and hug me tightly. Then you lift my face off your shoulder and kiss me deeply. Purring with contentment, I return your kiss. Then you deepen it, crushing your lips against mine, and exploring my tongue with yours. I gasp as your fingers find my hardening nipples through my thin bikini top and squeeze them tightly. As you break the kiss, laughing with your eyes at the obvious beginning arousal, your other hand reaches under the water pushes aside the crotch of my bikini and begins use your fingers to stroke my clit. I almost scream loudly in response, but then I glance over your shoulder to check whether the black man is watching. However, he seems to be utterly relaxed lying back against the edge of the hot tub, and thankfully with facing away from us. As you push two fingers roughly inside me while using your thumb to continue to manipulate my clit, I cannot stop the yelp that echoes throughout the entire pool area. I do not notice the sound as I begin to moan loudly begging for more. Now you cannot resist laughing lustily as the volume of my moans increase and you must lower your hand from my nipples to circle my waist to hold me from squirming and falling back into the pool. As I begin to beg you to take me back to the apartment and take me hard, you ask me if that is what I really need. My eyes light up with anticipation only to fade away again when you tell to go back to the hot tub and wait for you. Groaning mightily, I readjust my suit and swim back to the hot tub as you do several more laps in the pool. The sexy black man in the hot tub looks up as I try to cover my burning need and grins knowingly as he asks me to turn the jets back on. He observes me closely as I walk over to the wall where the controls are placed. As I return to the hot tub and ease myself gratefully into its warmth and bubbles, you return and join us. The black man compliments you upon your sexy wife but you immediately correct him explaining that I am your slave, not a wife. He asks for an explanation and as you answer you pull me between your legs as you rest on the edge of the hot tub and begin to play with my breasts and nipples. He listens carefully while watching as your hands begin to pinch my nipples and gradually expose the entire breast by pulling the bikini top aside. It is hard to tell if the deepening color on my face and shoulders is due to the heat of the hot tub or my increasing embarrassment as I respond to your touch. Soon, I am in a world of my own as the tantalizing pleasure begins to grow once more. I am lost in my need, squirming, and moaning, and pay absolutely no attention to your conversation with the other male.

Abruptly, I feel you untying my bikini top. As I stiffen in surprise, I realize that you are offering to show the other man what a slave looks like and how she has been trained to respond to her Master. Then I freeze in fear as you command me to remove the bikini bottoms as well. As I look into your smiling eyes, I realize that it is a command. Therefore, I sink under the bubbles and obey avoiding looking further at either man. You grin evilly at me as you pull me up to the edge of the hot tub with you facing the other man. Then you push my thighs widely apart and begin to stroke my sex still talking with him about my training. Once again, I respond quickly to your touch forgetting the other man as I relax back into your arms moaning gently. I groan in anticipation as you spread my outer labia wide with one hand while inserting your other fingers deep inside me and fucking me until you feel the wetness running down your fingers. Pulling them slowly from my gripping inner muscles, you place your dripping fingers in my mouth, I moan in despair but suck them eagerly.

"Do you want more my dear," you inquire with a dangerously playful quality in your voice.

I nod my head enthusiastically completely forgetting the other man observing closely until you invite him to replace your fingers with his own. I look up at you to begin to protest but subside instantly at the warning frown you display anticipating this. As the man crossed the small space between us, I close my eyes unable to watch as he reaches out to touch my exposed sex while you pull my thighs even wider open to allow him more access. Groaning in despair as I realize that his fingers are even larger than your own and feel just as wonderful, when you pull my head back to kiss me hungrily ensuring that I stay aroused by everything that is happening. As my hips begin to slide forward helping the black man impale me deeper, you break the kiss and tell him that I was trying to check out his package earlier as you had asked me to do, but failed. You ask him if he would be willing to show me. He slowly removes his swimming trunks and lets them float in the hot tub as he reaches down to exhibit a beautiful bluish black cock that is just beginning to harden. I am trying not to look at him, but you insist and I gasp with fear and excitement.

"Does he excite you my dear?"

I look up into your teasing eyes and nod slowly.

"Then ask him to fuck you NOW!"

I begin to protest that we cannot do this in the hot tub, and you give me a final warning look and I feel the pressure of your will inside my mind.

"Please fuck me Sir," I shyly ask.

He is so tall that you pull me up onto your lap as he moves his now fully erect member between my thighs and rubs it slowly up and down my inner labia. I look down in fear as I realize that fitting him inside me might be difficult. You anticipate this as I tremble and he looks at you with some concern showing in his face and he hesitates.

"It will be all right," you inform him reassuringly.

"I have used dildos on her of a similar size."

Grasping his engorged penis in his enormous hands, he watches me closely it slowly slips just the head inside me. This is accomplished without too much difficult because I am so very wet with excitement, but I still gasp loudly and groan lustily. You grasp my breasts and nipples pulling, squeezing, and pinching them as the large black cock gradually pushes fully inside me. As he begins to establish a rhythm, begin to purr and scream by turns reacting to both his size and my building orgasm. You laugh aloud smugly and then kiss me astounding me. As you break the kiss, I barely hear you commanding me to watch as his cock violates my willing pussy describing how it feels. I honestly try to voice my thoughts but cannot as I wail as yet another orgasm drives the words from my mind. These are so intense that I am barely aware of him complimenting you on your slave’s tight pussy, her sensitivity, and reactive body. His own orgasm is building as he thrusts harder and deeper and I abandon my verbal efforts to simply wail with ecstasy as my orgasms continue to progress to one top of one another. Just as I become aware of him achieving his orgasm deeply inside my convulsing pussy, we are bothered by the footsteps of other people coming up to the poolroom entrance door. I struggle for breath as he pulls out quickly and grabbing his trunks sinks into the hot water and bubbles to replace them. You push me off your lap into the hot tub, hand me my bikini top and bottoms, and grin at me as I struggle to pull them on as you helpfully retie the top.

The black man graciously grins at me, thanks you, and gets up to go to the men’s locker room to shower and change. You kiss me and sit next to me in the hot water providing a screen as I continue to pant and tremble with reaction, then you tell me to go to the ladies locker room. I manage to walk unsteadily to the showers and change noting the swollen and tender inner labia.

As we walk back to my apartment, you inquire how I am feeling. I admit to being a bit sore, but still so aroused that I wish we could have continued for awhile longer.

You laugh delightedly, "I will fix that when we get home!"

Explanations

2006-03-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt much like blogging for awhile. I think that some of this is due to not feeling well and a depressed outlook on the future.

Nevertheless, much of this lack of energy related to wanting to blog has been my own internal struggle with the grieving process. There is the gradual acceptance that a prior relationship that I have continued to hope would regenerate into a real and more balanced relationship is not likely to happen. As well as the probability that much of that prior relationship was illusion and the gradual realization that although I certainly did have my part in the illusionary expectations and ideals of that relationship, there is also the increasingly obvious manipulative nature of the other in this promotion of the illusion for his own ends. It becomes difficult for me to deal with the choices that I made during the 10+ years of that relationship that were obviously manipulated and yet I made them due to my deepening lack of self confidence and self esteem. There is the unwarranted backlash of my current realization of the distortion of my idea of myself and the questions of why I did not recognize this when it was so blatantly obvious to friends and family. All of this causes grief for me when I realize all of those that I hurt as a result and the self disgust as I recognize and accept the choices that I made at that time. These proceed slowly and rather painfully at times because it is sometimes difficult to simply allow myself forgiveness without excessive self abuse while at the same time accepting the responsibility of my decisions.

There is also the ongoing frustrations of being an older single female in our culture. Its scary! It upsets me greatly at times because the only males I meet seem to be looking for an extramarital playmate (so NOT me) or the lack of honest self representation that eventually comes into the open. Oftentimes I think the only nice males out there anymore are those whose blogs I read on a regular basis, Buffalo's Path, An Audience of One, Winding, Crooked Trails, Between You and Me, and Twisted Monk. I realize that these are only aspects of the whole person, but still what I read at these blogs touches me as they are often so willing to expose themselves in truly honest and human ways.

Nevertheless, I went to a Wiccan Festival this weekend celebrating the coming of spring and left feeling rejuvenated and hopeful for the future again. It was very interesting that I had a reading that suggested that something born in the past (I feel with the prior dysfunctional relationship) is now needing to be separated from that relationship. I need to let go of the anger and recriminations of that process and recognize that the parts of myself that have been born within that relationship need to be allowed to come out of the alchemy lab and incorporated within myself. It seems that perhaps I need to be less afraid of change but accept it as a part of life and growth and progress might often be painful, but necessary. The final outcome would be peace and rest. I am looking forward to that part and willing once again to actively work on achieving it. *rueful grin*

Keep in mind that I have very little patience more often with myself rather than others. But my frustration levels are easily accelerated lately causing me to be irritated and angry more easily than I expect. YIKES another area of difficulty!

Oh well all is good especially in comparison to where I was last year at this time or even several years previously at this time of year. Its all good! *grin*

Needless to say that finishing my story has been very low on my priority list lately. I am sorry but it will get finished sometime in the future.

So .... here's hoping that everyone has a renewed, spring like, reawakening outlook on life this spring.

Things that piss me off!

2006-03-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

Following is an email exchange with someone that I had talked to very briefly and exchanged a few emails;

HIM: And don't think that signing your name in lowercase is wasted on me, dee. I notice and appreciate the headspace it indicates. You're capitalization and punctuation are good enough that I know you sign as "dee" intentionally. Whether it's for my benefit or just a reflection of how you feel in life, it makes me smile. Now, if we could just lose that capitalized first person singular pronoun when you write to me...... All things come in time if they're meant to be.

For me, it is mostly a game we could have played; one that might also be an indication of respect.

Hopefully, we will find other ways to display our roles that will mean more to you and more to me than this ever would.

My responses: I consider the use of the lowercase personal pronoun one of the worst of the asinine and silly protocols of the BDSM lifestyle. Not only is it difficult to read, poor grammar, but it also implies, by its use throughout a document, a misleading subconscious impression of acceptance of the concept that slaves have less value and therefore are deserving of less respect. However, my use of dee rather that Dee is overt by its limited use as only my name on documents only to friends does not suggest that I am necessarily indicating a lesser status so much as signifying that I do recognize my inherent understanding of my own character. This is a recognition that I do have the attributes of a slave and understanding of the nature of that ability with a responsibility to accept nothing less than the respect due to the immense strength of character and will necessary to fulfill my full capacity of my nature.

I think, as a practice between two adults who are entirely in agreement on its meaning and purpose is entirely a good thing. HOWEVER, there are now about a million web pages, personal pages, and chat rooms whose leaders and/or members DO SUGGEST that it is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY of acting or behaving properly within the roles (which I have NEVER consider a role) of Master/Dom/sub/slave. In doing this they have promoted a cult sort of image with inflexible rules and ideals and this I feel is highly detrimental to beginners who are just beginning to discover what I consider a truly freeing, and individual mode of living. In addition, by the very psychological aspect of human nature that which we can see a marked difference in treatment or attitude promotes the concept of weaker and therefore of less value or deserving of less respect than those with the appearance of higher status.

I do NOT play games with this! It is a valuable and valued aspect of my being. Therefore, I do not use "play names" or anything else that would give an impression that I am something or someone to PLAY with. The very nature of the word carries an easy psychological understanding of something children do. This is not to say that I cannot have fun with that part of myself as it is also within me and most humans find fun with themselves, their nature, and their personality.

Nor do I need to use such artifice to "show" respect because when I do learn and appreciate an individual as someone I do respect my training as a lady, and a slave offers me many small and large ways to display my respect. Moreover, a Master's appreciation of my efforts is enhanced by the very manner in which I can and do show my respect and also shows me immense respect for what it costs me at times to do so.

Role: A character or part played by a performer.

This is NOT something I do as a slave any more than my status as a female, wife, mother, employee, or friend are roles that I play or pull on or off when I wish or when necessary. These are aspects of my being that all together make up my character and personality in ways that I cannot and would not change or alter. Therefore, being a slave IS an aspect of my being that I am aware of everyday, with or without a Master. It is an inherent part of me that I allow to show to those I trust, respect, or know that they understand this. NOR do I expect a Master or Dom to consider that a role or game, but rather an inherent aspect of his personality and character that he cannot and would not change even given the choice to do so.

===========================

This sort of request by someone, claiming to be a Dom/Master, I barely know is ONE of a set of misconception promoted by the oftentimes cult groups that have become associated with BDSM. Oftentimes, they refer to themselves as the TRUE Masters with ties to the Old Guard that if any of them took the time to do some research they would discover that mostly it is a myth. There was a group of gay leathermen that were extremely isolated and therefore developed some guidelines for themselves BUT these were never agreed upon as a community quite simply because there was NOT a community. At that time, being gay was considered to be a form of mental illness and anyone with BDSM inclinations even more in need of "help." THERE was NO community! It was simply a group of people, mostly gay and lesbian, who needed to keep their interest and activities very secret for fear of prosecution by authorities. The "rules & protocols" that are claimed to be of the "OLD GUARD" training are nothing less than a myth. This is not to say that some people did use some of these, but it was by no means something that a "community" called OLD GUARD agreed upon or shared.

Another point is in the 10+ years that I have attended events, met kinky people, found some lifelong friends, etc., I have never encountered any real person who initiated an "Old Guard" protocol as a general rule for newbies or beginners. There were some, and still are, who use some protocols with their life partners because to the both of them it has meaning and expression for them. These people never advocate these protocols as the ONLY way to practice BDSM, but rather tend to discourage them UNTIL such time as a person has some experience with psychology and practice of BDSM and established a commitment to another person wherein they both work out the things that work for them as individuals.

Finally, as I established in my email responses above, those whom I truly respect and love who LIVE this lifestyle do not do this as a "ROLE, or GAME." It is a part of themselves and their being. Many liken it to an underground reservoir in their character that does not require any special protocols because it is simply there, all of the time, and available and understood to those that truly "FEELS" that aspect of themselves. This is not to say that certain protocols MAY be used at very special times, but rather these are less rules and more simply enhancements of the deep bond between these individuals. As a friend of my said when we were discussing this issue that being a Master/Dom/Domina or the opposite slave/sub/bottom is always there and in a real relationship with either, whether as friends or more committed, is available when either person needs it to express support or understanding between individuals.

It truly infuriates me when individuals insist that all of these protocols are the ONLY TRUE manner to indicate a True Dom, Master, slave, or sub. These protocols are only tools and as tools should only be used by those experienced enough to understand their significance, consequence, and influence to all individuals.

PS: My use of upper and lower capitalization of Master, slave, etc. involves my use of common practice in written form and an indication of my personal feelings for those that I know and respect of either side of the coin.

Tired

2006-03-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

Ok ... I guess I am simply going to have to accept the fact that I am not nearly as young as I think I am. At the moment, I am wondering "what's with this?" as I finish a triple-shot expresso without any noticeable change in my levels of acuity. Its all I can do not to find a place at work where I could hide for a power nap. The only thing preventing this is a fond memory of my warm and comfortable bed as I dragged myself out of it this morning.

I mean really what the f--k happened to the years that I could manage a household, one child under 2 years of age and usually several neighbor children appearing with my 8 year old home from school on only a couple of hours sleep without any discernible consequences? AND I could do this routine for a couple of weeks, if necessary, without losing my ability to handle all of the daily chores, situations, and crises that have a habit of occuring in most households?

Now, I am wishing I could sleep without interruption for days because I only managed to get slightly over four hours of sleep last night!

The worst of this is that I think of myself as reasonably young and up for just about any activity after a full day at work. Admittedly, the reflection in my mirror presents an image that has aged somewhat compared to the one held in my mind, but really it does NOT seem THAT dissimilar.

Damn ..... I really resent the aging process at times. The mind is so willing, but the body sometimes isn't in the same game at all anymore.

Well, I have been working on finishing my story and its almost there. I did consider publishing what I have so far but somehow that simply does not feel right. So my poor characters are just going to have to wait a little longer to find out what happens next. (Visions of their exasperated expressions as they are stalled still in their sensual activity.)

Also, I wish to thank all of those who have sent notes or messages offering support or encouragement. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You'll probably never know how much it helps me!

Ok .... I'm going home and take a nap now. (Damn that sounds like something my grandfather used to say!) *grin*

Finding my way back

2006-02-27T08:50:00.000-08:00

Its been tough this month. Due to a cat bite and a heavy dose of antibiotics I was very sick for awhile. This was a least in part responsible for a black depression but of course my birthday and Valentines didn't help either.

I do have a draft of the second part of my story in the works but have not be "up" to working on it lately. Its been difficult to even get myself to work, let alone anything else. There have also been financial problems resulting from all of this so its been tough, but I am slowly working it all through.

I guess I thought after the last time I went into a black depression that I had sorted it all through and would not have to experience that anguish again. It seems it always catches me off guard and I am deeply into it before I even really know what is happening. Of course the absolute worst for me is that I tend to blame myself and berate myself for all my past errors, choices, and mistakes that have had their input into my current situation. In a way I have difficulty forgiving myself and instead of just letting them go as in the past, I use them to berate myself and forecast my future. Not realistic I realize but then it takes some time to figure that out. At any rate I am back to sorting it all through and trying to find some hope and positive outlook for the future.

I do read all of my favorites and more often than not I find some bits of wisdom that I can adopt as my own. Thank heavens for all my blog friends as you are oftentimes the life line that pulls me through again and again.

Big hugs to everyone!

Sorry for waiting

2006-02-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am working on the next part to story. Its that I had an extreme intestinal reaction to the heavy dose of antibiotics last week. I have a draft going and promise to have it posted as soon as possible.

Big HUGS and Thanks to all who commented!

Wishful or Hopeful?

2006-01-25T11:40:00.000-08:00

This is the fantasy I've got running through my mind lately. Perhaps it is entirely wishful, but I am optimistic that it falls within the hopeful category.

========
She is bit surprised when her cell rings at work. She looks at the id and notices that it is him. Without even saying hello or pleasantries, he states firmly that he is taking her out to dinner tonight and she is even more surprised when his voice deepens seductively and he says, "Dress seductively and semi-formally."

"So no pantyhose?" she asks playfully in reply.

"What do you think," he replies.

He is well aware that she understands his judgments very clearly regarding what he considers sexy attire for her.

"Oh" she responds with a slight quaver of excitement in her voice. She loves that slightest hint of command in his voice.

"Need I add that bra or panties are not acceptable as well?" He asks her with that deceptive, quietly, calm tone.

"No, I think I've got the idea," she replies with a bravado in her voice that suggests she grasps his commanding attitude, but is hoping for a playful tactical exchange that makes her gasp with her need to submit to his wishes.

He chuckles with amusement at her obvious feint to challenge him a bit.

He laughs out loud when he does not answer her and she gives a huff of annoyance that he is not going to play along with her. This sound is immediately followed by a gasp as she realizes he is not going to respond to her challenge at all and is distinctly not in a mood to play that particular type of chess game with her.

Then he quietly informs her that he expects her to be ready by six when he will pick her up at home and hangs up.

She stares at her cell phone for a second as if she imagined the whole exchange, then sighs with a sense of anticipation as a small tremor slides down her backbone.

After she finishes her day at work, distractedly doing her tasks as she continually wonders about his plans for the evening, she drives home going over in her mind the contents of her closet and picking out and then discarding dress after dress. Finally, after showering, shaving, (paying especial attention to the naughty bits), applying her makeup, she is standing in front of her closet carefully considering her two final choices for the evening ahead. One is a long, black, off the shoulder, but very sheer black dress, and the other is a leather skirt and bolero jacket with a black sheer blouse underneath the jacket. She remembers that he said "semi-formal" and decides to discard the leather outfit as it is a bit too flamboyant to be considered formal.

She smiles gleefully to herself as she considers her slight challenge earlier because she can wear the long dress without either bra or panties, but being as it is so sheer she can also add a full length underslip as an excusable compensation to the general populations sensibilities.

Glancing at the clock she finishes dressing quickly and is waiting for him in her long leather coat when he appears at the door. She smiles inwardly as she knows he will not object to the coat because it really is quite chilly this time of year.

However, she stiffens with a slight shiver of apprehension as he helps her remove her coat when they arrive at the restaurant and whispers in her ear, "We'll discuss your choice of undergarments later."

As she glances around the very small restaurant with its few tables placed in intimate niches, she realizes that she may have pushed the challenge a bit further than she had planned. Obviously, he was quite aware of her most likely choice of attire and also knew that in this particular restaurant its sheerness would not be an issue.

As a demure, but somewhat scantily clad waitress appears with the menu, only one, and hands it to him, she composes herself somewhat when she notices the slight upward curl of one corner of his lips accompanied with one raised eyebrow when he notes the gold choker chain that she wears around her neck.

"I see you have not forgotten all your training," he growls quietly.

Once again she stiffens slightly to cover the flutter of excitement that courses down her spine and leaves goose bumps along her arms.

He orders dinner for both of them and ignores her look of inquiry regarding the waitress who is both demure and shy, while at the same time is dressed in a manner that shows discernible hints of her obvious charms. She complies with his dismissal of the waitress' attire and attitude because she is just cautious enough, now, to not ignore his dominant attitude. Next she wills herself to be calmly distracted by his conversation about both their jobs and his upcoming business trip. Therefore, by the time he is sharing the decadent desert with her by feeding her small bites from his fork, she is entirely relaxed and thoroughly enjoying the conversation as it ebbs and flows between them.

Abruptly, she stiffens with alert attention when his demeanor suddenly shifts back to his compelling presence and the air in the room seems instantly depleted of oxygen as he stands up, grasps her arm, begins to guide her firmly to a hidden stairway at the back of the restaurant.

Its a dark, narrow stairway that leads to a equally dimly-lit hallway with only four doors, two on either side. He quietly continues to guide her along until they reach the second door on the left and he pulls out a key and opens it. He motions for her to enter as she glances up at him somewhat uncertainly. As she steps into the room she notices that it is beautifully furnished with a huge four poster bed and dresser of a deep burnished mahogany, the lighting is softly muted, and the scent in the room is exotic. Her breath stops with a audible gasp as she naively moves closer to the dresser to touch its surface and she notices in the opposite corner a St. Andrews Cross of the same mahogany with the appropriate accoutrements attached to each of its four corners.

He almost laughs out loud at her apparent astonishment of the seemingly incongruous appearance of a St Andrews Cross in such a luxurious room. He manages to only grin at sudden look at him for an explanation, as he leans over, pulls her into his arms and whispers in her ear, "I have plans for you tonight my dear."

As he kisses her gently at first, then gradually greedily devouring her lips demanding her willing compliance to his authority as he listens to her breath beginning to become ragged and husky. Then he gently bites along her neck as he turns her around so that she can view the cross while he purrs deeply into her ear, "breath," as he bites her earlobe gently.

He grins to himself as she gulps breathlessly and palatability trembles in his arms. Slowly with gentle, but firm hands, little bites, and audible growls of appreciation, he removes her dress and underslip until she is standing in only her stockings and heels. Gradually, as his hands move over her body pausing to caress and tease, he turns her to face him, and pulls her chin up so that she can look directly into his eyes.

"You are MINE to do with as I please."

She watches his eyes darken with command, shivers and then nods her head silently.

He allows her to briefly hang her head in submission to his will, then firmly lifts her chin again until she looks up into his eyes.

"I expect immediate and enthusiastic obedience, is that understood?"

Once again she nods silently, but this time defers to his firm hand holding her chin that does not allow her to hang her head and avoid his compelling gaze. She realizes that he is demanding an audible reply.

"Yes, Sir," she says very softly.

He smiles at her and bends again to kiss her deeply using his tongue and teeth insistently against her lips forcing her to part them as she tries to comply with his demanding kiss while at the same time to catch her breath. He continues kissing her and running his hands slowly up her bare back and then down again to grab her buttocks and forcing her pelvis closely against him until he can feel her knees growing weak and her melting submission to his demands.

Gently he pulls her into his arms in a bear hug that is strong and yet enfolds her in his love. He releases her and turns to escort her to the St Andrews Cross and places her hands on the cross to allow her to steady herself. As she catches her breath, he reaches down to a bag on the floor and pulls out cuffs for her wrists and begins to put them on and then attach her bound wrists to the rings on either side of the top of the x of the cross. Again he pulls ankle cuffs out of the bag and nudges her ankles further apart and attaches them to the bottom of the cross. He runs his hands up her ankles until he is stopped by the apex of her thighs and lightly brushes that so very sensitive area between the labia and the inner thigh with his index fingers. He is rewarded by a sharp intake of her breath. Once more he smiles to himself and he straightens up grasping her ass firmly as he rises and then running his hands up her back to her shoulders. He leans into her bound body and reaches around her to grasp her breasts seeming to weigh them in his hands for a moment and then firmly grasping the nipples to tweak them gently and stretch them out a bit. As he pinches her nipples tighter, he bends his head to her neck, brushing her hair aside, and bites her firmly just above the shoulder. As she groans, he releases the bite and whispers in her ears.

"Are you going to be quiet tonight, or do I need to find a gag for you?"

She weakly replies, "I'll try," and then with a slight hesitation, "Sir."

"Hum, we'll see."

"It seems that we'll have to see about your choice of undergarments and lack of respect as well."

She shivers and starts to turn her head to look at his face over her shoulder for signs of displeasure or hopefully, slight warning, but her movement is arrested quickly when he firmly says, "Don't move."

Immediately she returns her head facing forward and does not move as she hears him moving around the room.

He moves around the room removing his jacket, tie and, unbuttoning his black silk shirt. He hangs them over a chair and sits down to remove his shoes all the while watching her rapid breathing and lovely body so gloriously displayed. Her calves firm and stretched as she adjusts her stance to accommodate the high heels she wears. The black hose ending at her upper thighs and accenting her pale buttocks just above. The curve of her back as she arches slightly to avoid placing her breasts on the cold hard wood of the cross. He sighs audibly at the lovely woman he possesses while he envisions all his plans for her this night.

"Pardon Sir?

"Nothing dear just admiring my possession."

As her cheeks flush, he chuckles softly and walks up behind her, places his hands on the cross just below her wrists and leans into her forcing her breasts against the cold wood in front of them. She gasps! Once again kissing, nuzzling, biting her neck as shoulders, he growls fiercely as he asks her if she is ready to begin.

"As you wish Sir," is her slightly defiant reply.

He chuckles more loudly.

"Aw as I wish is it?"

"Then I guess we should begin with the punishment first, huh?"

She groans a bit pleadingly as she realizes once again her mouth has bought more than her ass might be able to pay for.

He reaches down and pulls a leather paddle out of the bag and shows it to her.

"So how many spanks with this do you think it will require to adjust your attitude, remind you to speak respectfully, and to remember my directions regarding my wishes about your dress?"

"But Sir I didn't know that the restaurant would be so private and I was concerned about showing too much through the sheer material of that dress," she pleads.

"I see, so you agree that you deserve to be punished for the lack of respect in your attitude and replies?"

"Well yes, I suppose."

His voice goes deeper into his chest and almost sounds like a snarl as he says, "You suppose?"

She flinches at his tone and then trembles with dismay as she realizes that she did not use Sir as a sign of respect, also her minimal accord to his assertion of her culpability when she replied. OH SHIT, she thinks to herself, I'm really in for it now.

"I'm sorry Sir. You are well within your rights to insist that my attitude and replies display my continuous respect for you as my Master."

"I see, however that does not answer my question. How many times do I need apply this paddle to your lovely ass to remind you of your duty, not to mention your training?"

He grins again as she visibly begins trembling. He realizes that she is considering carefully the pain of the paddle and the amount of strokes she can suggest without its seeming too little or too much.

"15? ..Sir," she replies hopefully.

"And for the slip that you knew would displease me, yet put on anyway just to see what I would do, didn't you?"

OH NO, she thinks to herself, I forgot about that and I certainly didn't think he would know that I was thinking about being a bit of a smartass. Oh hell ....I really wish I would learn to not under estimate his ability to read me so thoroughly.

Whimpering slightly she says, "25 more Sir?"

"Hum," he says as he runs his hand caressingly over her buttocks as if testing their ability to withstand so many strokes.

"I think 40 may be a bit too many for your tender ass, after all its been awhile since its been smacked. Besides we don't want you to break your efforts to remain quiet do we?"

"No Sir!"

"I see. We'll just apply 30 then, 10 as a reminder of your training, and 20 to remind you that when I tell you how I want you to dress I already have an idea what you will choose and know whether my directions to not wear underwear is appropriate."

"Yes Sir," she responds immediately grateful and somewhat relieved that he is going to go a bit easy on her tonight.

TO BE CONTINUED

(Note: When I asked a couple of Dom/Master/Domina/Mistress types to review this they informed me that it is inaccurate. This is due to the fact that if a D/M has specified her attire and she had disregarded his intent that once he discovered the underslip it would have been immediately removed. I have to agree to be honest because in my experience its true it would not have been allowed. Although in my defense I must stress that its obvious that I do not really relate to a Dom's perspective as I am a sub/slave AND this work of fiction is a romanticized version based a bit upon my experiences, wishful thinking, and observations of a very submissive mindset. SO SHOOT ME! *grin*

Warning Peeved Rant

2006-01-24T12:47:00.000-08:00

With sincere apologies to Edge and Buffalo's Path as I really feel that they and other blogs I read occasionally do not deserve this rant, nor does it apply to them, so far as I know.

I am really and truly in a pissy, peeved frame of mind.

I don't get it, really I do not. I realize that I am a true idealist with sincere healing tendencies, but lately I feel as if I have a neon flashing sign over my head, visible only to really needy, idiot, thoughtless, selfish males that seem attracted to me like bees to honey.

Ok if I am completely honest I realize that to some degree lately I feel as if what I want and need is not so very much and therefore why the hell aren't the males of my acquaintance are simply too tired, busy, not interested, intelligent enough, or some other factor to acquiesce to my particular want of the moment. I'm not spoiled rotten and used to getting my own way at all am I? I mean realistically, I realize that I am being unreasonable, irrational, and just plain pissy indeed, but DAMN it isn't as if I am asking for the world on a platter.

What I wanted from one friend was a booty call. He is an old friend and there are no strings attached to this on either side and we talk and enjoy each other's company for a time. He is also the only friend that I am comfortable asking for this particular service as I am neither easy or cheap. OK don't know why I felt I needed to state this other than that there is definitely a wanton female in my bedroom but a lady outside so few get the opportunity to discover the other. However, this friend has been particularly busy and/or tired lately and I do understand this. Although, I think if he knows, and he does, that my hormones and libido are on a rampage that he would phone after turning me down all of last week to see if I am still in that state of mind. Reason tells me that it is likely he is still busy and/or overtired, but right NOW I do not wish to be reasonable.

Another friend I simply wanted to jerk my chain a bit to shake me out of my pissy mood. It really does not require much a bit of witty repartee, a few double entendre, intelligent and challenging ideas, and a bit of masculine petting for a female soul. Thumbs UP! AND there I am back to my usual patient, happy go lucky, cheerful self. Obviously also too much to ask due to being tired, sleepy, disinterested, or whatever. Again, I realize I'm being unreasonable and irrational.

Then there is the friend that simply does not seem capable of accepting that I am not attracted to him in a more than friends manner. He drops by last night, chats for a bit and upon leaving winds his hand in my hair and tries to kiss me deeply, with tongue, while at the same time I repeatedly try to pull back. I mean really, I've had this conversation with him several times now. For whatever reasons he simply does not make my heart melt and my knees go weak. There is nothing particularly wrong with either of us, he is attractive, interesting, and intelligent, but he does not put the spark to my fire. Personally, I think his ego is bruised a bit because he was my friend when I was with L and observed a level of submission and devotion that he would like me to feel for him. It just does not happen.

Then there is C who I finally got back to last night after the weekend from hell. Unfortunately, he is still needy and insisting that the connection between us means more than it does. Most likely it has to do with two lonely souls that simply recognize each other, nothing more than that. However, bottom line is that there is nothing wrong with him per se, rather I simply cannot tolerate his needy, clingly attitude on more than an occasional and friend based basis.

Really .... I don't think I want too much..... A witty, intelligent male who understands that seduction involves finesse with a gentleman's touch and attitude until he has got the female's mind working for him. Who is willing to take control and compel her submission with words, control, and mind blowing skill. Oh hell, I guess I want more than that too because that's really just a part of it. I want him to want me to be around to listen and share his thoughts, ideals, dreams, and goals. To feel that the day is incomplete unless he has kissed me, heard my voice, or made wild monkey love with me. I want him to need my touch as much as I need his, to crave my company in his bed sleeping or waking. To respect me as I respect him, win my submission and then demand it as his right when he knows its his. To treat me like a lady when appropriate and a total wanton slave when not. OH hell!!!

I suppose it really is too much to hope for!

Damn damn damn damn damn ......

Blessed BE All

PS: forgive me for my ranting, pissy, nasty mood. I'll get over it if I have to do an extra hour of my workout tonight.

Fatalistic Friday

2006-01-23T11:42:00.000-08:00

OK ... I give up!

No really I do .... Last week was a bust .... no sex, no witty conversations, no money appearing in my mailbox, nothing, nada, and all the rest!

Thursday night was fun actually but ended badly.

Thursday evening a couple of friends from work dropped by and we just drank and gabbed about anything and everything. One of my friends brought her small dog and in an effort to calm one of my cats down I put her on my lap. I was holding her paws so I did not get scratched and just trying to talk to her while the dog sat a few feet away. The cat, my daughter's NOT mine, was getting more upset so I bent over to stand up to release her in another room and she bit me on the joint of my thumb. HARD! Blood spurting all over the place! But other than the 6 puncture marks and letting it bleed freely for a bit I figured hey no big deal!

Wrong again!

Friday morning I woke up to discover my whole hand swollen so much that I could not bend any of my fingers without possibly tearing the skin. The thumb area very red and hot, a red line running up from my wrist almost to the elbow, and the veins on the inside of my wrist bulging and throbbing. Needless to say the whole area hurt like f.... hell!

Off to the doctor's for tetanus shot and to discover I have developed blood poisening in the 12 hours since the bite, so I need 4000 mg of expensive antibiotic for that AND something for the pain too. OH more fun .... the antibiotics cause diarrhea so at the slightest squeak from my stomach and I race for nearest bathroom, (will probably have yeast infection by end of week.)

I was so out of it with the pain meds and just the pain, swelling, and further frustrations that I got up yesterday (Sunday) at 5am and phoned a co-worker to let her know that I did not think I could make it to work as it was still so swollen and sore.

So after a weekend from hell! Warnings to the powers that be that I simply will NOT accept any more of this shit and to knock it off for at least the rest of this month!

LMAO ... Is laughing at yourself a virtue, or negative self recriminations?

Blessed Be!

OK I've lost it!

2006-01-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

Ok this week is not going exactly as hoped. I am convinced that I have lost my "sex appeal." What the hell? Is there some hidden cut off period wherein a female is still interested in sex, but has lost her sex appeal and if so why the hell didn't anyone ever mention it before? WTF??? *grinning a bit sadly but with courage*

Although, there is the up side this week in that due to "tensions" I did start doing my exercise routines again. It felt wonderful! Admittedly, my stomach and thigh muscles have been questioning my sanity, after all they apparently were content with being soft. LMAO ..... Ouch ouch ouch as I do crunches and lunges! Of course I am looking forward a few weeks when the body is feeling confident and the daily exercise is a habit, THEN I can quit smoking again FOR GOOD!!!! (talk about lacking sex appeal! Its such a horrible habit and so damn easy to pick back up when significant others smoke.)

So why the lack of self confidence in my sexual appeal you ask?

Well there is the fact that C's difficulties, although certainly understandable, gave me a reason to ask myself if there is something wrong with me.

Then there were the weekend conversations/emails with possible relationship males who had little or no respect for a aspect of my sexuality that is submissive. I simply do not get it and cannot figure out why these types seem to appear out of no where with their ridiculous attitudes. In my opinion, and this is for myself and not necessarily how others may feel, a slave/submissive with self respect and confidence does not immediately refer to any man as Sir, Master, My Lord, or any other stylized form of protocol until such time as she has gotten to know him as a man and respects him as such, not just as a Dominant/Top/Master or whatever other lifestyle title he chooses. So for me to reply to an email inquiring about me, my life, or other aspects of my personal life with a "Sir" is ridiculous in the extreme. AND to receive a reply to my response to this inquiry with a derogatory dressing down for not immediately responding with terms of respect and/or protocol did upset me a bit. Although, I was able to laugh somewhat as I do realize that there a great many "wannabe" Dominants out there who have no experience other than the chat rooms and groups that seem to abound with automatic terms of respect given to anyone who claims to be a Dom. For me having lived in the "lifestyle" with a Master, been a member of several groups, and with more than a few friends who are as they say "in the lifestyle," it is not just about the role playing of a slave or submissive because to really feel its wonder, beauty, and soul to soul connection takes a great deal of open and honest communication that builds and cements the trust together. As with most things worthwhile without doing the work the results are most often empty and without substance.

Then there was the male that asked me to phone due to his accident that day that prevented him from continuing an IM discussion and getting to know one another. I usually do not phone anyone immediately or without some time exchanging emails or IM conversations, but I relented in this case, blocking my phone number of course. AT any rate the conversation progressed into his other physical problems, not that I felt that these would be a factor in the ultimate decision as to whether we may be relationship material. However, there was the fact that he had neglected to fill in a fairly simple questionnaire regarding marital status and general area of residence citing its invasion of his privacy. (WTF???) Therefore, I was on guard right from the start. Then .... I could not believe my ears when he stated that the United States SHOULD AND HAS AN OBLIGATION to invade Iraq because they are barbarians who execute their criminals by their own laws by beheading. OK .... Politically I am more liberal than perhaps the average American and do not necessarily advocate executions for criminals, although my opinion is not set in stone on this. BUT .... I do not feel that the US, nor any other country, has the right or duty to decide that another country's cultural laws or practices are anyone else's business. Of course, having stated that I do not agree nor support female circumcision, but I would not advocate invasion of another country to stop it. Also, I do support and commend our soldiers for doing a great job in a very difficult situation, however, I have grave doubts about the political mismanagement that stated a war based upon false information. I also could not believe what I was hearing when this man stated that Iraq and particular Saddam had ties to the Al-Quaida more than Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan, or several other countries. Or that Iraq has nuclear capabilities outstandingly worthwhile of US attention over and above those already existing in North Korea, or Pakistan. But the final straw was when he made the comment that the Canadian Health Care is a failure because many Canadians are forced to come to the US for special surgeries. This to a person who lived in Canada for 30 years. I immediately explained to him that the Canadian Health Care system does have many problems with some of them resulting in doctors leaving Canada for the US due to financial and other considerations and this forces some patients to have to seek health care for specific problems in the US, BUT their Canadian Health Care still pays for a majority of these medical expenses. The other problem is that their health care system is run by bureaucrats rather than doctors or others who actually have some experience with the real life medical field. As I told him imagine if you will a country where no child has to suffer due to the lack of his parents having medical insurance or enough money to pay for the child's care, or immunizations, or anything else that a human may medically require simply to live. When he asked how the US would pay for this I mentioned that perhaps if we would cut the military budget of a few million of its billions we could pay for every person in the US to have medical care. This of course opened the discussion regarding needing the strongest military force in the world to protect ourselves from terrorists to which I casually asked whether military force protected us or Britain, Spain, or several other countries with terrorist attacks. At any rate, I finally gave up and ended the conversation with a sense of disbelief that there are still such people in the US who do not read, inquire, or study and educate themselves about the world around them. OH well!

Then of course there was my friend BJ who I had hoped to be able to share a bit of quality time with this week, who turns out to have to work overtime the rest of the week to cover for the backlog of stuff that happened when his boss gave him an extra day off on Tuesday. OK that really makes sense! The poor guy ends up working 10 hour days just to resolve stuff that he may have been on top of if he had come in after the long weekend, but who had to take Tuesday due to all the other overtime he has worked. BJ is just exhausted after a week or two of this stuff!

Hopefully, everyone else's week is smooth and sweet and mine will be as well as soon as its Friday! LMAO

Blessed Be!

Update

2006-01-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get here to post about my evening/overnight with C and other stuff since the beginning of last week. Obviously, it just did not seem that I could find the time and/or energy to actually write down my thoughts and feelings. I've had the damn post running in the back of my mind all this time too! Sometimes, it just doesn't actually get into a format that I can share with others.

Ok .....

I began to get ready to go to C's about 3pm Saturday (ok this was Jan 7th). C and I had several conversations about safety, safewords, and general topics on his days off Thursday and Friday before the weekend. (Reminder, I had been to his house on an inpromptu visit the previous weekend.) C had stated that he would be spending the majority of his time off cleaning the house and dungeon at least in part because it needed it badly and the implication that he wished to impress me. C had asked for me to wear shorts (very short) with thigh high boots, corset, and stockings. Other than the fact that I feel my thighs are too heavy for shorts, I had no real objections to dressing in a manner that would please and excite him. So by the time that I arrived at his house, after fighting the traffic on the highway and having to find a new route to avoid it, I was somewhat nervous, scared, and excited. I walked into the doorway to discover that other than moving the couch, coffetable, and chair that the living room and dining room looked as messy/cluttered with bags of paper all around the fireplace, partly finished glasses of milk on coffeetables, and CDs and DVDs all over the place. In the kitchen, that I had cleaned the weekend before, there were dirty dishes, three bags of garbage on the floor, and misc clutter everywhere. So .... immediately I was shocked and dismayed. After all C had stated that he felt that we were meant to be together in a full time relationship and that when involved he is a more orderly individual, so what was with all of this. Hell I am not particularly a neat freak myself and my house can become quite cluttered at times. BUT ... I tend to take out the garbage when it is full and dispose of empty Starbucks cups and other empty pop, or water bottles. Then I made a trip to the bathroom (smallest bladder in the world I think at times), only to discover that the bathroom does not appear to have been touched at all with any sort of cleaning or decluttering effort. I think, "well he did say he was cleaning the dungeon and the bedroom .... so give the guy a break." I'm very nervous and he is not helping much by immediately reaching for me and trying to press my hand against his package. Eventually, I simply back away and head for the kitchen stating I need a drink and finally I guess he gets the idea not to rush me so hard and just give me a bit of time to adjust.

Finally, he quietly asks me if I wish to go down to the dungeon and as I follow him I am pleased to note that it is indeed very clean, a lovely fire is going, and he only asks me to sit on some soft cushions at his feet while he simply talks to me. He leads me into a meditative exercise that is extremely helpful and calming allowing me to balance myself. The only concern I have during this process is that he continues the habit of claiming my person and his right as my Master and as I have told him repeatedly that it is not yet time to finalize that decision or commitment. So I simply let it go and ignore it, at least for the time being, to allow me to find my balance. I will readily admit that C allowed me plenty of time before beginning the "scene" part of the evening and that he was very very good at watching and controlling the scene entirely. I'll also readily admit that in subspace I fell in love with his swing/sling and felt entirely safe with him and the situation the entire time. However, C did have problems with the "sexual" aspect of the evening, but to be quite honest I felt that he might be suffering from "nerves" as well and therefore totally understandable.

Next we came back upstairs and C immediately got himself something to eat without offering me anything, even a drink. I did steal a piece of his toast and willingly made him some more and found myself something in the fridge (that was not spoiled) to eat while he watched a movie he had put into the DVD. I eventually fell asleep in my corner of the couch and do not know what time it was when he woke me and gently lead me off to his bed. However, I did notice that I tripped over some clothes beside the bed and then when C pulled the covers back that he brushed the sheet. Immediately, I put my hand on the sheet and felt what I hope were cracker crumbs or something along those lines and was so in shock that I did not know what to do but get in. I laid there a minute becoming fully conscious and remembered that I had not removed my contacts and got up to do that and have a cigarette outside. I had picked up my cell phone, but then remembered that I had my daughter's and therefore did not have access to my usual friends that might have been able to offer some advice because I was seriously considering leaving right that moment. I couldn't think of a single word or excuse compared to C's having asked for Sunday off work to spend time with me. So I took some sleeping aid I had with me (I rarely sleep in strange surroundings) and hoped for the best. I woke up at 5am and immediately got up leaving C sleeping until 9am. I had a shower, and did my personal absolutions stuff, had coffee and read until he woke up. Then I made him breakfast. C had mentioned that he wanted to loose weight and accordingly I made a light omelette, only to have him add applesause and buttered toast, while singing and mimicing to a CD he had put on, as my efforts at breakfast got cold. When I tried to politely comment that his food was growing cold, C immediately commented that I disliked his singing and when I assured him otherwise stated that he is a slow eater and when I again encouraged him to eat it while it was hot, C stated "Well you are not living here yet, so you cannot tell me what to do." OH shit and double triple shit! I've heard those sort of statements from my kids when they were younger, and certainly from my ex-husband who was more of a large kid himself oftentimes than a husband and I thought, "Fuck this!" I've been there with this type of male and tried for 20 years to not be his mother while at the same time he acted out like a small boy more often than not, making me the "bad" parent as he encouraged both girls to act out with him and ignore my rules for behavior. So ... with C I immediately got up from the table and went into the living room and opened a book I had begun reading earlier. C followed me eventually, and began making pointed remarks about my not giving him "oral" stating that "I see its ok for me to provide you with it, but not for you to return the favor." Ok ... he had done so the previous evening and I had appreciated it in lieu of actual sexual activity, but certainly had not considered it entirely satisfying, nor asked for. However, I am trying hard to be fair and perhaps C is counting on this to be able to finish what he had started the night before, so I tell him to shower. When he returns I try very hard to work him up to a state wherein we will both be satisfied and eventually he pulls me to his bedroom and starts to begin UNTIL I state that NO WAY is this going to happen without a condom, something that we had agreed in our negotiations that there would be no sexual activity without condoms for at least 6 months. C went off to look for condoms (what the fuck????) and when he returned there was not much point in trying to get it on, so I tried again to bring him back to his simi-hard status without success and eventually he simply gave himself a hand job. I got up and cleaned him off and he returned to the couch and turned on the TV dispite my suggestions that there is still something that could be done about my state, not oral, being as he had toys, etc. He kinda grunted in reply stating that the dungeon was too cold and returned to the television. I sat there for a few minutes in shock and then got my clothes together, got dressed, picked up items I had left downstairs and went home.

In all honesty, I was not terribly upset, or disappointed in C, but rather felt that once again I had allowed my hopes to be raised and become dashed against the walls of reality. I did feel tearful, but that had more to do with blaming myself for allowing this to happen than it had to with C himself.

Ok .... I did phone L and cried a lot, mostly because he did understand that I was feeling hurt because I had allowed myself to hope that I could feel again. But, then L also understood that it hurt because I had found someone who did want to build a life with me and they were so very wrong for me, or I for them, whereas L had never seemed to want to share that with me. Actually, I think the crying both in grief for what could have been between L and myself, and the fact that I had felt enough for C to begin hoping once more, was a good release in the long run.

Since then, I have gently explained to C that I am NOT upset at him, C seems to think that the lack of his ability to have sex upset me. Rather, I understand that C is not as "mature" as myself in some ways and that his switch personality runs along the lines of Dom in the dungeon, subbie everywhere else, which is DEFINITELY NOT MY STYLE. Of course the real bottom line is exactly that, that he is just fine the way he is and I do like him in a general way, as a person, and a man, but some of his habits and/or practices I could not tolerate, nor do I wish to change him, nor do I wish the responsibility of taking care of him and teaching him my ways of doing things, behavior, or other things. He is the way he is and obviously quite comfortable in his manner of living, or behaving, and I am sure that combined with his other qualities there is someone really special for him. Its just not me. I have stated clearly that I would enjoy another "scene" in his dungeon with him, and being his friends, but I am NOT the "ONE" he is looking for as a life partner.

The rest of last week was a bit of a retreat for me to think things through for myself.

This last weekend I was alone as J had gone to BC to visit her sister, nephews, cousin, and aunt. I had some time to be alone and think, catch up with reading and generally take care of some things that needed doing around the house. Also, my sister has another health issue coming up with her hyperthyroidism that may mean surgery, and/or radiated iodine, and her related Graves disease that are of major concern. So I spent a fair amount of time on the weekend talking to her, my oldest daughter who is her support person, and my youngest giving me updates on the antics of the 3 of them got into together at a BDSM workshop, vendor show in Van on Saturday night. J came back with a very nice belly button stud and apparently both my daughters and my sister agreed that we all need to get a Japanese character tattoo of sister. LOL ..... the last tattoo my oldest had done she complained for months, my youngest has not had one yet, but wants one, and my sister stated her last one hurt more than she thought it would and they have agreed to do these on the inner ankle area. OH LMAO .... we'll see if this really happens.

Well .... I am hoping for a more peaceful week this week. Less personal drama and more resolutions and solutions! *grinning*

Blessed Be Everyone!

Its been awhile

2006-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so very sorry that anyone who comes here has been worried a bit by my lack of postings.

I really have been incredibly busy as I am sure that you all have been as well.

It started with a co-worker, friend who went on holidays Dec. 16 so that I was covering her job as well as my own. Then there was another co-worker out for a few days that I had to work out some way of managing without her as well. It all worked out just fine and I survived. Yea!

On to the good/interesting/boring stuff. *grin*

Christmas was lovely, loud, and boisterous. Then with a six and 7-year-old grandsons I did not expect otherwise. I am glad that I postponed driving north to be with my daughter and family until Sat because it gave me a chance to gather my strength for doing something I knew would be difficult. That was dropping off the gift my father had sent to L along with a few things of his that had been left at my home. I knew that L would not be there and that was ok, but I also knew seeing the house that I had helped to build and spent so much time in would be painful. However, I got through it just fine and only a few tears flowed for a short time. I stopped at a Starbucks to give myself time to gather my composure before I went to my daughter's and made a hit when I brought her a peppermint mocha as well.

Christmas was a bit hectic, but fun as well. My grandsons are lovely, healthy, and just all boys. WOW the noise level was truly ear splitting at times! Luckily, my son-in-law put a roof over the patio and hot tub area and then turned on some propane heaters and campfire thingies and it was as warm as toast outside. It turned into a great place to sit and talk with my daughter and sister and just kibitz around together. I laughed a great deal and it was truly a blessed Christmas. I felt so very privileged to be able to truly enjoy it this year as I had not for so many years in the past. I truly felt blessed for the first time in a very long time.

Then came New Years!

Background: A couple of weeks before Christmas I had gone to a kinky party with my friend R. I probably would not have gone if it had not been for my daughter J stating that it was the last weekend with her significant other, (really I think of them as already engaged but they are waiting to make that step until they live together for awhile), before he left for Montreal for his company's job posting for about 6 months. So I figured oh what the hell I'll go to the party and its not as if I have to worry about R demanding that I "play" with him and I have the protection of R because in that group unless someone is sure of your status they do not touch or hit on you. So .... I actually found myself laughing and talking with several people that I do not really know but have seen at several other parties in the past. At one point, I went outside to have a cigarette. It was really really cold that night. One of those clear nights in Seattle that can feel a whole lot colder than it really is with the wind coming off the water. At any rate, there were only two men outside and one was standing and the other sitting at the patio set. As I came outside, I pulled my full-length leather coat around me and commented on how cold it was out there. The man sitting on the large chair invited me to sit on his knee.. And I accepted. To truly understand this I must explain to you that I rarely allow anyone to touch or get too close to me at these kinky parties due to my own empathic nature and the fact that sometimes the Dom/Master offering his touch does use it inappropriately. Therefore, the fact that I agreed shocked me. It also shocked me and shook me up even more that I felt so damn comfortable on his knee that I really wanted to just lean back and rest my head on his shoulder. Shaken and confused by this curious and rare reaction on my part, I listened a bit to the conversation between the men and asked appropriate questions, finishing my cigarette quickly and retreating inside the house. Then after the party, I asked R who this man might be and R knew him very well and provided me with some pertinent information. Then R asked me why I wanted to know and I said I'm "intrigued" explaining to him my unusual reaction to his touch. R agreed to talk to him on my behalf and get back to me. Well with all the Christmas stuff going on it took a bit, but R informed me that the man was interested as well and I agreed that R could give him my yahoo ID.

Ok up to current events, kinda/sorta..... *grinning*

So the Friday before New Years, I had been working on upgrading and reinstalling some of my software on my computer because it had been acting strangely for awhile and I knew if I did not do something soon it would likely crash. Finally, I had everything working as it should and I went online with Yahoo Messenger to be sure that it was working as well. There it was; the message from C, the man that I had asked R about before Christmas. It was a sweet message identifying himself and where we had met and stating that he would truly enjoy talking to me further. I answered it and no sooner had I done so when C IM'd me back because he had come online. We talked for a bit online just kinda like old friends, asking about Christmas and family and the rest. It really did feel like I was talking to an old friend, again rather unusual for me. Eventually C asked if we could move our conversation to the phone as typing is not his first preferance. I agreed. He phoned me and we talked for hours. He told me about his camping trip, his plans to buy a trailer, his family, my family, a bit about prior relationships from both of us. All in all, it was really fantastic, to talk to a Master who was not demanding to know my experience, limits, likes, and dislikes in only the "lifestyle" realm without first trying to find out the whole person I am. In fact we talked more about going camping, goals for the future, archaeology, Goddess and wiccan energy and just about everything else under the sun, but NOT necessarily about the BDSM lifestyle. Other than C stated that he does not feel it is a lifestyle, but a life that fits into the rest of our lives and the realities of living in this day and age.

So NOW I am really on overload as it feels so much like we have known each other for a very long time, so very comfortable, and comforting that I could tell him things that I have not be able to tell others with the same confidence.

So ..... C asked me to meet him for coffee the next afternoon, New Years Eve. We met and once again it was like we were old friends who talked about and shared everything with one another. Then after coffee and dinner, I invited him to watch the New Years Eve fireworks around the Space Needle that can be seen from my kitchen windows. We arrived at my house and had no sooner settled down with another coffee, mixed with a dab of Kahlua when R phoned to say he was coming by. R was a little surprised to find that C was already there as he stated that he had not given him my cell number as yet. So we both brought him up to speed with events up to that date. R also seemed a bit shocked at the immediately obvious comfort level C and I shared together. So laughing, talking, and sharing all together we brought in the New Year!

New Years day, C planned to come by again after he got some sleep, but my daughter J was suffering a bit of a headache, *grin*, so I offered to come visit him. C warned me that he needed a couple of hours of sleep before he would be a fit person to talk with, but I said that if he fell asleep that I would simply clean up his bachelor's messy kitchen and wait until he woke up. C slept for awhile and I happily straightened up the kitchen, not horrible but definitely in need of some wiping down etc, and when C woke he came up behind me and kissed my neck. The strange part about that is that no one can usually sneak up behind me or surprise me because my extra sense always warns me when they get close. Yet, here was C kissing my neck and putting his arms around my waist before I even knew he was there. We talked and talked and listened to music, had something to eat, and he showed me his dungeon. Suddenly, it was 12:30am and he had to get up for work in the morning. I left with a smile on my face and a sense of wonder in my heart.

So.... as it stands right now we had dinner together on Tuesday and have talked every night for a minimum of 2 to 3 hours. It's fun, it's exciting, and it's scary all at the same time. C keeps stating that Goddess has given us a gift and it is up to us to open and explore it together. He is sweet, gentle, firm, exciting, very patient, and understanding.

Yet, I am still afraid. I realized this morning exactly why C and all he offers was scaring me on a very deep level. It is because there is a deep awareness that it means that I am finally truly ready to let go of the love I felt for L. It was special in its own way, but L never truly understood it or cherished it and me as perhaps he might have done. I realized that for L to have done that or many of the things he did just how much he is in pain and hurting inside. So .. ... NOW as I think about letting go of all the love that caused me so much anguish and only retaining the memory of the depth and beauty of how I loved him .. I realize that it will be gone forever, no chance that L will EVER be able to revive it once more, or manipulate my redoubled efforts to heal him with my love, its gone. That love I felt for him becomes part of my past forever and all I'll truly remember is what I learned from the entire experience and the wonder at my deep capacity for sharing my love. Its a good thing this final letting go, but it has its bit of grief as well. NOT overwhelming or enough to make me wish to sob for the entire day and retreat once more into myself, but a healing sort of grief that frees me while allowing me to finally open the doors once more to life and maybe love again.

More to come as I am seeing C again Saturday!

Blessed Be and thanks for all your wonderful thoughts and energy! It seems to be working! Smiles all around...

I guess I always knew

2005-12-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt

Profile: INFP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005

"I remember the first albatross I ever saw. ... At intervals, it arched forth its vast archangel wings, as if to embrace some holy ark. Wondrous flutterings and throbbings shook it. Though bodily unharmed, it uttered cries, as some king's ghost in super natural distress. Through its inexpressible, strange eyes, methought I peeped to secrets not below the heavens. As Abraham before the angels, I bowed myself..." --(Herman Melville, Moby Dick)

INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.

INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Rest you, my enemy,
Slain without fault,
Life smacks but tastelessly
Lacking your salt!
Stuck in a bog whence naught
May catapult me,
Come from the grave, long-sought,
Come and insult me!
--(Steven Vincent Benet, Elegy for an Enemy)

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response:

"I say, Queequeg! Why don't you speak? It's I--Ishmael." But all remained still as before. ... Something must have happened. Apoplexy!
... And running up after me, she caught me as I was again trying to force open the door. ... "Have to burst it open," said I, and was running down the entry a little, for a good start, when the landlady caught me, again vowing I should not break down her premises; but I tore from her, and with a sudden bodily rush dashed myself full against the mark.--(Melville, Moby Dick)

Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. Brendan Kehoe's Zen and the Art of the Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional Analysis:
Introverted Feeling

INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to Mankind.
Extraverted iNtuition

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.
Introverted Sensing

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.
Extraverted Thinking

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.

THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS AND ENCOURAGEMENT, EDGE & OOPSEEDAISEE!

(They mean a great deal to me!)

Been so damn busy

2005-12-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

I've just had so much going on that every time I thought I would get here to post something it seems that a dozen more things pop up that require my attention or wear me out.

I've still got that damn cold/flu virus going on! It has slowed down to a dry cough, but at times that is enough to wear me out too. Hopefully, my grandsons will not reinfect me with another virus when I visit at Christmas.

It's odd in a way that I seem to be grieving the "might have been" in my relationship with L more deeply than perhaps I expected, but at the same time there is a finality about this grief. Also, it appears to come intermittently so it sometimes over takes me before I really realize why I am feeling upset. The other thing I have noticed with this grieving process is that I am letting myself weep without berating myself regarding my mistakes and/or failures in the relationship. As I think of it, I think a better explanation for this grief's differences as opposed to the type of grief I felt when I still hoped there would be a solution and we would be "happily ever after," is that this time I am not thinking or feeling that there must be something wrong with me because L could not love me in a way I understood or needed. It seems to me now that I am accepting that although he might not love me in a way I needed or perhaps understood does not mean that I am unlovable or unworthy of being loved. The grief now seems to be for the love that I felt for him for so very long that no longer exists and a sense of the waste of such deep emotion because it did not evolve in the manner I had hoped. Oddly, I find now that I am not afraid of the tears or the sadness overwhelming me and just let the tears flow until they seem to finish by themselves. In a way it feels odd and yet very comforting at the same time.

Of course, I could not have gotten by this season without something coming up. My parents sent L a Christmas gift, as they have done for a couple of years. I had not told them that L and I had broken up. So I had to phone them to ask if they wanted me to send it back, keep it, or give it to L anyway. My parents said to just give the gift to L anyway. I am ok with that as I'll add a few items of clothing that he left at my home and a diskette. However, when I phoned L to let him know this he stated that he was going to be out of town. It really is not a problem as his nephew will be around and I can just leave it with them. It just gave me a bit of a shock that L was going to his Ex's as it was something he swore he would not do, but then he is very close to her mother and is taking her with him to his Ex's home. Although, when I had a moment to assimilate the information about his trip, I felt a bit pleased and relieved that L would not be alone at Christmas. So really this situation is all on the "good" side of things.

There is one thing that disturbed me. I went out on Sat afternoon and evening with R, (a BDSM friend I've known for a long time), and L phoned and left me a message early that evening (did not hear my cell) stating that he hoped that I was having a good time. It shook me up quite a bit. It reminded me of all those times that L seemed to be aware of what I was doing or when I was doing something. L rarely had or knew specifics, but it was an example of that psychic connection that we always shared together. That was one of the extraordinary things in the very deep connection between me and L. It really was unnerving at times when L knew things about me that I had not told him or I would wake up from a sound sleep 5 to 10 minutes before L phoned me.

It was also odd because I had phoned L on Friday to talk about the gift from my parents and then had a horrible nightmare that woke me sobbing on Saturday morning. The nightmare was about a similar situation that had happened in real life with L about a couple separating for sometime and/or distance and only having this last day to share and the man wanting to spend it with others or doing business activities. Then on top of that I heard a very personal song (I had a few with L) on the radio while bathing and I just began to weep. So after all of this, L phones me Sat evening when I had decided to go out and just let it all go.

Anyway, I phoned L back on Sunday (late didn't get in till 3am had a lot of fun) and he and had a long and quite productive conversation. L asked me how I thought that he had been hurt by me in the relationship. I told him that I would be guessing and although I may very well come up with some very accurate guesses basically his question was not fair because I would be trying to mind read what he had in mind. He then told me some things that he felt hurt him and he also stated that he felt that he had tried very hard in the relationship, but that it did not seem to mean anything to me because I kept stating that I did not think he loved me. So, I had the opportunity to firstly to agree with his statement and then explain how I might have gotten that feeling not necessarily due to his actions, although oftentimes his actions did not help the situation, but also that my sense of being worthy of being loved had been severely damaged in my childhood. Also the depression, I feel had begun long before L and I started going out from 2 incidents of life threatening accidents. Also, that I had gotten in a habit, partly encouraged by L, of seeing him as an almost perfect man who could and did do anything. Obviously, a highly idealized image that I wanted and/or needed to believe about the man I loved during that time. There is also the aspect of my depression wherein I "discounted the positive" and only acknowledged or actually really saw only the negative and highly hurtful to me aspects of the relationship. However, there is 1 aspect that I pointed out to L in this conversation in that I had NOT done all of these things alone, nor were many events entirely due to my highly emotional state. L had mentioned that things from his previous relationship in which his Ex had done a couple of things that were wrong and that she had never explained or acknowledged 15 years after the fact. So I asked L how about the fact that I had never heard him acknowledge or recognize his part of the responsibility in many events that had gone so horribly wrong between us. I said I did not want or need an apology, but that I did need or would like to hear an acknowledgement that oftentimes I did not achieve my emotional state all by myself. Surprisingly, L did finally acknowledge some things, not all, but it's possible that L may never be able to do this as I think he likes to think of himself as the victim in our relationship. However, I did not really allow this as I explained to him that although he was hurt by my stating that he did not love me, he also did not make the effort to discover or find out what he could have done that might have changed that for me.

At any rate, after a long conversation, and lots of tears on my part, I did feel a lot better and I think it helped my grief regarding why the relationship did not work.

Ultimately, I realize that although this particular relationship with L did not work, and perhaps never would have worked, that I learned a great deal about myself and started the process of healing very old and deep wounds that have colored my perceptions for a long time. So I am taking much more from all of this than I thought previously and it is possible that without this relationship I would have continued to try and bury the old wounds and thereby given them power over me for even longer.

So ..... it's all GOOD in the end!

Blessed be everyone and have a wonderful holiday!

Thinking or is that over analyzing?

2005-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Since the Thanksgiving weekend, I've been thinking and/or analyzing a lot of my past. Mostly this is in relation to understanding how I got to my present situation and admittedly, why I did not recognize some things sooner.

Ok I realize that I did not understand or recognize some deeply seated subconscious motivations in my past. Those ones that were the root cause of some actions and choices in my past were simply not available to my conscious mind at that time. Asking myself now why they were not recognized by my conscious mind is an exercise in futility, I know. AT this point in my life, it does not matter why I did not see these patterns or whatever in my past. So I suppose that particular avenue of thought has more to do with a part of myself that expects me to be a bit more intelligent, aware, thoughtful, and just more capable of "handling" things. Somehow, sometimes I simply cannot seem to remove these unrealistic expectations of myself.

I'm human and I am supposed to make mistakes, learn from them, and move on! Crikey!

The other thoughts that keep running through my mind are the ones that see and understand how or why many of the choices I made had a great deal to do with my sense of isolation or loneliness. That feeling began right after my dad married my stepmom. My stepmom was not a completely impossible person, but she did and still does have some very odd quirks. I learned to withdraw into myself and my own fantasy world of books and inner thoughts when I learned that my stepmom never believed me even when I did tell the truth. That she felt that for my own good that I had to have enemas every day so I had no control over my own body. That she laughed at me and my ideas often with her sons and did not support me against them even if they were wrong. That it was ok for her son to be left handed, but it was wrong for me. Ah hell .... it really does not matter, except that I learned early and well that my dad was not going to back me up against her or anything else mostly because he wasn't there either. Besides, he often moved the entire family at least twice a year searching for his own dream. My sister and I once counted the amount of times we moved and came up with 15 times in 10 years, but it was probably more. Therefore, there was not any way for me to build a support group with friends. (I read somewhere that if a child did not have the feel of a family at home, they would build family groups with friends.)

Oh hell .... I hate this shit. It sounds like I am whining or moaning about it all and maybe I am in a way, but really what I want to do is understand how these things promoted my sense of isolation and loneliness.

I know now that these were the things that made me "choose" to be with L and wait around for him for as long as I did (almost 11 years I am ashamed to admit). I got to thinking that L is a master manipulator and that perhaps I was giving off vibes or an aura of the loneliness and isolation I felt and he used these to his advantage moreso than helped me to understand them. I can easily remember many occasions wherein there was an implied threat of leaving or ignoring me IF I did not do either as he wanted or wished. I do also remember that sense that he was wounded in some way and IF I loved him enough and gave him enough time then someday he would really feel love and be able to give and receive it. Nevertheless, what I can no longer remember is EXACTLY HOW he manipulated me into seeing a man that I doubt now was really there. Realistically, I understand that I built the image and perhaps kept it alive at times, but somehow or another L had a part in promoting the maintenance of that image as well. When did I begin to think that we had those long intelligent conversations that meant the world to me because there had not been anyone who would share these before? When I think back now I cannot remember one that was truly an introspective, intimate, and intelligent conversation that did not involve some element of his doing his Master or controlling act. MOREOVER, really what does it really matter now?

I suppose mostly I am trying to figure out if I saw things and ignored them or if I was so totally in a fantasy I did not see myself at all.

Actually, I feel that to some degree both are the truth. It's good to know! Therefore, all this thinking and analyzing is simply the necessary process to work through to achieve "Ok got it" and then just let it all go. Although, I suspect there is a bit of fear in all of this as I want to protect myself from its happening again.

Odd .... that I find all of this to be so without all of the anguish I used to feel. Or maybe its NOT Odd at all! *grin*

I do know that lately I have not been looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, but feel as if I am finally in the light. Maybe it's that I am just at the edge of the tunnel and I am simply pushing the darkness with its ghosts back into their proper places. Either way it feels good!

Wistful

2005-12-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

I realized this weekend that I simply miss being touched. Although, I am not referring to sexually, ok miss that kind too at times, its more the kind of touch that is just that needing to touch another.

You all know what I mean the friend that just touches your hand when you're both baring your souls. The gentle touch of a man who cares about you and pulls your hair out of your face without really thinking about it. Or the touch of a fingertip on your chin so you will look into his eyes at those special moments together.

I miss touching a man too. Combing my fingers through his chest hair with my head resting on his arm. Feeling my hand small in his as we walk together. Feeling his muscles flex as he gives me a bear hug.

Oh hell ..... sometimes these are the things I often miss the most being alone!

Yet, these little touches seem so very far away and impossible at times.

It makes me feel sad and lonely.

That sad and lonely feeling sometimes slips into the negative depressive thoughts that I am being a wimp, that its never going to change, that I'll always been alone because its just too difficult to find a companion who "gets" it. Or I do something I regret, such as phone L for another reminder that what I am looking for isn't there. But then the reminder that what I need isn't with him is a good thing too in that I realize I can move on and I'll recognize the real thing when I see it this time.

However, I am aching a bit for a good old fashioned hug/cuddle today!

Any volunteers? *grin*

Update

2005-12-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I have not been around since before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I caught that really awful flu/cold bug from my grandsons (bless their hearts NOT!) and the flu part set off my IBS spasms with its vomiting and diarrhea. (I know, I know, too much information! sorry rueful smile)

Anyway, other than the flu/cold thing that both J, my daughter, and I caught, it was a great weekend.

My daughter D worries me a bit with an excessive amount of stress in her life. Also, she seems to have either put off or changed her mind about the separation from her husband. She does not seem to be willing to talk about it right now and I am afraid that is, at least in part, causing some stress. The stress with D comes out in almost obsessive/compulsive cleaning and getting really upset at my grandsons for things that I feel are not really that terrible. My grandsons are 7 and 6 years old and without a doubt a handful, as are most children of that age, but they run about the house becoming loud and boisterous and D yells at them for this. It seems fairly normal behavior for boys that age, especially when compounded by the fact that there is not an area outside the house for them to play, and/or not favorable weather for outside activities. I talked a bit to her husband and although I don't necessarily feel he is a good husband, he is a fantastic father. He worries about D's always seeming to be yelling and upset with the boys. So far as my son-in-law not being a good husband that has far more to do with not being a good communicator and having little or no understanding of a woman's, or my daughter's needs. He does state that he is willing to seek professional counseling together with my daughter, but she has refused. I told my son-in-law that my daughter needs to see a psychologist to help her resolve some personal issues that I think she has about entitlement. He agreed with me that she seems to feel that she is owed something by the world, her family, and perhaps friends owe her something. Honestly, all I can do is wait and see. I hope that she will open up to me soon because right now her internal state is very confusing to both her husband and sons. After all, she and her husband did decide a few months ago to separate and even told the boys, but now it seems to be on hold. Oh well, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best. In addition, I plan to visit for Christmas and might have an opportunity to learn more at that time.

My sister appears to be in good spirits and not terribly depressed, but knowing my sister, she tends hide her real feelings behind a joking/laughing facade. Her roommate/significant other, who she loves dearly, did drop by at one point, but to be entirely honest I said as little to him as I possibly could because I feel he has used my sister both emotionally and financially for too long. I have told my sister how I feel and she agrees, while at the same time refusing to do anything about moving him out of her townhouse until after Christmas. Therefore, I suppose there will be more on that situation at my Christmas visit as well. In the meantime, I continue to remind her of the self-talk lessons I am learning and hope that she uses them as well.

As to my meeting with L, it was very much on the surreal realm. I let him know when I got to BC and asked about when he wanted to get together. He said that he would phone me the next day, his birthday, so I waited all Friday for his phone call. He never did phone. No real surprise there (in other words, his usual behavior pattern). It really did not bother me that much other than I had hoped to wish him Happy Birthday on his birthday. He has been very sick with this cold/flu thing with lots of respiratory problems, but then his usual patterns are not much different whether he is sick or healthy. At any rate, I phoned the next day, Saturday, to ask whether the meeting was off as he had stated he would confirm on Friday and had not done so. He said that he had overdone on Friday and forgotten to phone me, but could I phone him back about 5pm to remind him again. Anyway, he finally came to pick me up about 6:30pm and took me for a Japanese dinner. I was not really very hungry, as I had eaten some turkey soup earlier, so I just picked a bit at this and that. I realized that I was chattering to some degree from nervousness, but mostly it was about funny things that had happened lately in my life. Ok .... Here is the surreal part, I had always reacted or felt overwhelmed with love and longing when I saw him. That oh so crazy feeling of weak knees, racing heart, and breathlessness. The look in his eyes, the way he carried himself, his voice, any of those could send me into a tortuous and complicated emotional spin. So there was a very dreamlike quality in this meeting because I half expected to feel these things and did not. I was almost shocked by this and in fact found myself becoming introspective looking for these reactions. They were NOT THERE! Gone, vanished, and missing! The only reaction I could really feel was a sort of tenderness. I think this was at least in part in reaction to his being still somewhat ill, but also a sense of someone that I used to care about a great deal. It really was quite surreal.

So ...... my conclusions?

To be entirely honest, I think that it means that I am ready to let him go from my heart. There is a sense of grief in "what might have been" when I loved him with all my being and he, for whatever motive, or reason, did not recognize and cherish this. But after almost a year of not seeing him, the breakdown, the recognition of my negative self-talk and its effects, the acceptance that no matter how much I loved him, or showed him that I loved him, he could not or would not change. The acceptance of myself in that I need someone who is willing to work as hard on the relationship as I and I could not live a life waiting for him to get it together (his words) in his life so we could be together in ours. A lot of that is what I recognized so much in my posting about "Doing all the work in a relationship." So, there is a bit of grief about this closure, but at the same time, there is renewed hope for the future. Finally, I KNOW that I can offer my whole self and love to another without a piece of me being held back still in his hands. It's a little bittersweet, but it feels positive overall.

I feel that I was very correct to arrange this meeting after so long with L. I found out what I needed to know about myself, my thoughts, and feelings. So, although I felt a fair amount of trepidation about seeing L again, I think the result was well worth it.

So onward and upward! (As soon as I recover a bit from this damn cold/cough/flu. I swear I am going to take surgical masks then next time I visit my grandsons!) *grin*

Blessed BE Everyone!

Something I found!

2005-11-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy? Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

=====================================================

I loved this! The reason most likely has to do with my relationship with L. I did do most of the work of building, maintaining, and especially all the initiating. A good example is last week (we really don't have a relationship anymore, but I continue to contact L and at times the discussions are helpful) when I sent L a piece of erotica (actually the one I posted here) and phoned to tell him, ask him to read it and get back to me. I have yet to hear from him which is really no different when we WERE in a relationship. These discoveries are doing wonderful things for me in that I am learning that yes I became angry, needy, and depressed because I would not just "let it be" and kept trying to make it work because I thought or believed in that fairy tale notion that "love conquers all." So .... I am supposed to meet with L this weekend when I am up in BC visiting my family for Thanksgiving. My reasons for this were that I had not seen him for 11 months and I needed to sort out my thoughts and feelings about him by seeing him in person. I was a bit concerned about this, but am finding myself less and less so lately because it really has nothing to do with my previous relationship with L and EVERYTHING to do with sorting through my own thoughts and feelings with regards to him and those areas of my life that became tangled up with him and our relationship. But, somehow it is beginning to seem that I am finding many of the answers all by myself BEFORE this meeting. All of these things are likely to make it easier for me to just let it go and appreciate what it was, and was not, and to see him as he really is.

So I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, my family, my health, and my returning self confidence!

Blessed be all and have a lovely Thanksgiving!

Where my mind has gone lately! grin

2005-11-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

She heard and felt him roll over to turn off the alarm and then push himself into an upright position. He sat there a few moments before he puttered over to the bathroom and turned on the shower.

She rolled onto her back and stretched out her legs spreading them slightly to allow the air to dry her a bit. She did this before she was entirely aware of the reason that she needed to dry the wetness between her thighs. "Damn," she thought, another erotic dream. The annoyance was not about having a highly erotic dream; rather it was the reason that she was having them. She had been so turned on lately and she had tried to engage his attention, but he had been working so hard for such long hours that he was tired all the time. She sighed as she listened to the variation of sounds of the shower running as he moved around in it. She considered briefly slipping out of the warm bed and joining him in the shower, but as she considered this, she realized that she was not prepared to risk another brush off. Hell, as it was she had been sleeping nude, a bit unusual for her when the weather turns colder, and she had tried snuggling up to him all night with little or no reaction from him. Once again, she reminded herself that he was working long hours, so after all it really was not as if he intended to ignore her. Nevertheless, even that rationalization was not helping much with neither her definitely increased carnal appetite, nor her slight resentment towards him because he did not notice it.

Signing again, she found her hands drifting down to spread her labia lips far apart once again noticing the juiciness still flooding the entire area between her thighs. She gasped as the mere touch and action of pulling her labia wide open. Then she gasped again as her scent flooded up underneath the covers and radiated her highly aroused state to her nose. She could not resist bringing her index finger to her mouth to lick off the wetness and savor its taste. Returning her hand to its work, she carefully used her middle, ring, and baby fingers to put the labia aside while using the index finger to stroke her clit hood in slow gentle circles. She closed her eyes and remembered her dream as she began to moan. As the motion of her index finger became faster and more insistent, it was a struggle to hold her labia open as the stickiness of her lubrication also increased in volume, but she succeeded. Of course, her whimpers of lust increased in volume as well. So close, so very close to orgasm as she sees her erotic dream playing out again on her closed eyelids and her fingers fly against her budding clitoris creeping from under its protective hood.

She is concentrating so hard she does not hear him emerge from the bathroom and stop in his tracks as he catches her scent and hears her moans of desperate pleasure. His response is immediate as his cock begins to stiffen. He looks down at his growing cock and realizes that it has been some time since it has gotten any pleasure or release. He immediately realizes he has been so preoccupied with work and tired that its been some time since he even had the energy to fuck her for both their pleasure. Watching her growing frenzy as she comes closer and closer to orgasm, he puts aside all thoughts of the work waiting for him and moves closer to the bed. He yanks back the covers hiding her body from his sight as she abruptly screams and removes her fingers from their delicious work. She lays there for a second in shock as he almost glares down at her. She is confused. Is he upset because she was masturbating? Suddenly he gets that look; the one that challenges her while at the same time is warm with amusement.

He says, "Who told you to stop?"

She hesitates for a moment until his eyes go a bit darker in warning. Then she slowly moves her fingers back to their previous positions holding her labia open while at the same time rubbing vigorously against her clit hood. She closes her eyes again. She is startled when he demands that she open them and look into his eyes while she continues her pleasurable pursuit of her orgasm. She is embarrassed, but complies with his demand. He smiles triumphantly at her. Then he bends over to kiss her lips and as she closes her eyes again to offer them to him, she feels his fingers join hers. However, his fingers do not join hers instead his pushes two thick fingers deeply inside her and bends them up against her g spot while he growls into her ear. "Cum for me baby, NOW!" A command she can neither refuse, nor resist. She orgasms as her hips rock up against his fingers buried deep inside her insistently forcing themselves again and again against her sensitive g spot inside her.

He smiles gently at her as the orgasm subsides. Then he crawls back into the bed and places himself between her thighs so she can feel his arousal while pulling the covers over both of them as a kind of insulation providing a block against the world beyond themselves. "What about work?" she gasps as she feels his member pressed against her sensitive labia and clit. He growls gently into her ear that he has ignored her for far too long and he intends to make up for lost time right now.

Memories

2005-11-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Memories are tricky things. As I look back at my own, I realize that they are colored by time, feelings, and just getting older, I suppose. *grin*

Seeing a therapist has been a great experience in realizing how these memories have affected my thoughts without my really realizing this. My therapist is quite wonderful in that she gently listens, provides feedback and/or validation, and then gently inquires about my current thoughts in regards to these. Of course being a highly analytical person, I tend to think about these discussions for a long time after I talk to my therapist and others as well.

Its going to be much more difficult than I imagined to write my memories here. I find myself feeling that they will seem like whining or complaining. Nevertheless, by in large I realized long ago that whatever my parents did or did not do was not intended to hurt or injure me. Rather I feel that they both did the best that they knew how based upon their personal experiences and ideas about rearing kids. In their own way, I always felt that they loved me. Well perhaps I should qualify that because I did doubt my birth mother loved me, (In my 40s when I finally found her I found out that her capacity to love had been damaged by her own childhood.), also in many ways my step-mother did not have the capacity to love me, mostly due to personality clashes. However, my father, although critical and absent much of the time, I felt always loved me.

My early years were strange by most standards of the time. I was born when my father was 18 and my birth mother 17. My earliest memory my father says I must have been between 18 months to 2 years of age. I only remember stepping on a birdcage in the yard and my foot being cut. Shortly before or after my 4th birthday, no clear timeline provided by either parent, my father got a job in Arizona and left my mother with my sister (18 months younger) and myself in LA until he could establish a home. My father later told me that my maternal grandmother phoned him to say that my mother left my sister and myself with her and had run off with another man. To be honest I got a different story from my birth mother that was not very clear and certainly, she did NOT wish to talk about it. At any rate, my father returned to LA, picked up his daughters, apparently, there was no love lost between my maternal grandmother and my dad, and moved with us into his parents home. The only thing I really remember during this period is loving to be around my grandmother. She was a very young 38 at the time and a very fussy sort of person, but I adored her. She and my grandpa had a tumultuous relationship and many times my grandpa cursed worst than a trucker or sailor. One of my clearest memories at the time was my father telling me that I had to take care of my little sister, especially when we were at the babysitter's during the day. It is a responsibility that I still feel and oftentimes act upon when I feel the need to protect my sister. The things I loved most at my grandma's were here giant radio that I would sit as close as possible to listen to Johnny Mathis, Johnny Ray, and a lot of old country singers. In addition, my grandparents had one of the first color televisions and oftentimes I would be allowed to stay up late to watch it. I do not really remember much about the programs other than George Burns and Gracie. My father took care of my sister and I as my grandma refused to take over the daily care of two small girls. So my dad bathed us, took care of our hair, kept long because he did not believe in short hair for girls. He would always put mine in a ponytail, then braid the ponytail in two sections, and then put another rubber band halfway down. This meant that I had a bit of a handhold in my ponytail that my sister held onto while I pretended to be a pony. One of the bad things was that my grandparents lived across the street from an air raid siren that went off everyday at noon. It terrified my sister and me! To this day, neither of us can tolerate really loud startling noises. Mostly I remember being happy living with my father and grandparents during that time. I kinda remember asking about my mother, but I do not remember anyone ever providing any answers, so I suppose I quit asking.

Then I think in late September or August of that year my dad started seeing another woman. I do not think I realized that she meant anything to my father as I only met her and her sons, older than me, a couple of times. Then 2 days after Christmas, they got married. I was shocked and appalled! I mean she seemed reasonably nice and pretty, but I think I sensed something not right between them from the beginning. Even the pictures taken shortly after their wedding, in Las Vegas with friends, they are frowning at each other as if they are already arguing about something. I think we all became a blended family in January. I turned five at the end of the month and suddenly I had a new mother, and two brothers older than me, and my sister had deserted me in that she absolutely adored our new stepmother. I felt as if my whole world had been turned upside down. Added to all of this my dad had always wanted boys so suddenly he became involved in little league baseball and all sorts of activities deemed not suitable for girls with my new brothers. I felt deserted and abandoned by everything I had known and loved. The very first real spanking I got in my life from my father was when I told my new stepmother that she was NOT my mother because she could not bake cherry pie and therefore I did not have to listen to her because I could take care of myself and my sister. AND so began a forever-strained relationship between my stepmother and myself.

I will go into more of that later because for now I think this post is getting too long.

In other news!

I got contact lenses last week and I feel like I am 20 years younger. I never had to wear glasses until my mid 40s for reading, but over the years, my vision has steadily gotten worse. I hate when the eye doctor says this is because I am getting more mature! At any rate due to advances in contact lenses, they now have them for people like me. I love it! The not having to find my glasses all the time only to discover I have left them on my head. The strain of wearing them for longer and longer periods. The fact that midline vision was not nearly as distinct as it had been are all factors making me love not having to wear glasses anymore. I suspect the younger attitude and/or feeling has much to do with simply being able to see everything all of the time. It is wonderful!

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and support here! It means a very great deal to me.

Blessed be!

A downward spiral

2005-11-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have not been here much lately because I've been slipping into the downward spiral of depression once again. When I am feeling depressed it is very difficult for me to write here. The downward spiral was not too terrible as I did manage to catch it and work through some of the causes of my deepening depression on my own. My therapist and L were a great help as well.

There is something that I am noticing and that my therapist has talked about to me as well. In some ways, there is still much grief from my childhood that causes me to remain somewhat aloof and isolated from others. In some ways I do not always notice this as it is a form of self protection in a way. But in others, that sense of being always alone and isolated from others makes it very difficult for me to work through some of the daily stresses of living because I have so few people that I feel fully comfortable talking to about things. In all honesty, it totally floored me when relating my background and childhood history to my therapist that she looked at me with a completely appalled/shocked expression. Then she said, "my you really did have a tough time!"

I've read so many blogs over the last few years that relate horror stories of their childhood and I do not think mine even compares to most of these. Of course, I have read of some lovely childhood histories as well. I think mine comes somewhere between these two extremes. Although I would freely admit that I doubt few of us did not have some difficult times during our childhood or adolescence. It still amazes me at times that one of the most important jobs in the world has so little training before we actually become parents. What I respect and admire with those blogs that endure the grief and agony of relating their difficult childhood experiences is the sense I get from these that there is a healing process from this.

So, I think that I am going to try to exorcise my childhood ghosts on my own blog. Yes, these might be very scary ghosts, for me at least. All I can ask is that you bear with me as I sort through all of that stuff, both good and not so much, to see if I can lay some of it to rest for myself.

Hang in there the ride is going to get a bit bumpy here.

Who Am I NOW?

2005-10-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Helen @ Everyday Stranger today where she states that "I used to be someone else." Hey, I thought, I know this feeling!

Hell I sometimes feel that I have had so many lives in that I have been reborn as a new person while at the same time still carrying forward elements of the previous person. I think of it as being like the 9 lives that cats are supposed the have. However, sometimes I am not so sure I actually have 9 lives! Admittedly this worries me at times.. I mean what if I don't have 9 lives and I've used all my chances already.

There was the double pneumonia when I was 14. This left me with a heart condition. It was not until we moved to Canada that it was discovered and it almost prevented our being allowed to stay in Canada. Then of course, there was the sudden constant concern over my health, especially when I got ill, that confused me when compared to previously in my childhood. (That sounds like my parents did not care which really was not the case so much as they were oftentimes too busy to notice rather than not caring.) So the combination of the health and move to a very remote area of Canada felt as if I had begun an entirely new life. Of course, these are probably combined with the advent of adolescence.

Then there was the brief marriage at 17 and the physical and verbal abuse. This I finally got the courage to escape after my first daughter's birth and the achieving the ripe age of 21.

Hell I cried all day that day.

I had held so many dreams, or perhaps they were only illusions, about becoming 21 and my life at that time was hell in comparison.

So off to the mainland to begin another life!

Holy Moly did I learn a hell of a lot considering I had never had a checking account or even access to one before then, nor a credit card or anything of my own actually. I learned a great deal during those years! (what I am not describing, at least right now, is all of the things I learned about sex! Oh my G.d!)

Next came my second marriage. In all honesty not a bad one so much as two people who did not really know themselves let alone one another. Nevertheless, we kept at it for just short of 20 years and had another daughter.

There were 2 events during that time that seemed to start another lifetime, at least within the context of that marriage.

The first was major maxillofacial and orthognathic surgery to both lower and upper jaws after years of orthodontics to correct a genetic problem in my. I was one of the first of these ever done in British Columbia. These two surgeries done about eight weeks apart with my jaw wired shut for six of those weeks, (thats a story in itself), changed my appearance so dramatically that my own parents did not recognize me the first time they saw me after the surgeries had completely healed. Talk about starting a new life, hell I did not recognize myself for years when I would walk by a mirror in an unexpected place.

The second was a pharmacological mistake that put the wrong pills in my prescription bottle. This error meant that I took the wrong pills for 3 days until they put me into a coma. By the time my husband found me, (he thought I was just sleeping) short-term memory had shut down and control of all voluntary bodily functions. In other words according to the doctors I had about another 2 hours or less until death occurred.

After that event was also a time when I felt that I began another new life wherein I had to reassess a lot of things about myself, my needs, and choices for what I needed in my life and how much time I might have left to accomplish those things. One of those was that I would not and could not be happy, nor make my husband happy, within that marriage.

Now?

I began yet again with the feeling of starting over again with new attitudes, new outlooks, and new choices.

How many lives is that?

Its 7 actually .. So do I only have 2 left, I wonder?

So many times these days I think about the person I was then during all of these major events and I am not sure I even recognize that person in relation to the person I feel that I have become or am becoming. I wonder if this is a process of refining and honing me to become the person I was meant to be. Yet there are pieces of each of those previous lives or people still existing within me today. Sometimes I ponder where this journey is taking me and what is around the next corner and what will I take with me and what will I leave behind?

Perhaps I just think too much!

LOL

PS: Finding that keeping my personal vibrator is helping with going back to sleep after waking alone after one of those dreams that just leaves me hanging on the edge of orgasm. Wonder what those are about right now? Hell there I go again thinking way too much!

A BIT BLUE

2005-10-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a tiny bit blue.

I noticed it this morning, but I am completely uncertain where this is coming from within me.

Mostly I think that I am just in need of some cuddling, hugging, and the basic kinds of attention that women enjoy from a man. Of course, that kinda predisposes that the woman cares about this man on a very personal, emotional level and that he returns those feelings. I guess I feel that this type of connection is something that could be possible with a very dear friend, as it is not necessarily sexual. Nevertheless, for the time being there really is not a male friend with who I would feel entirely comfortable doing this right now. This feeling of not being comfortable with my male friends enough to ask for a cuddle has far more to do with me than with them. I am the one who let my boundaries be crossed without really realizing it. So now, it's a bit difficult to establish a personal boundary without some possible misunderstanding and right now, I sure as hell do not need any of that kind drama.

I do not think it helps either that my sexual fantasies have gone nuts lately. I have not been particularly paying any attention to sexual things lately. However, very recently, late at night, or very early in the morning I find myself becoming aware of a backgound sort of thinking about sexual matters. (OK I'd like to be f... silly! at these times.) It's difficult to concentrate on a movie or a book when you find yourself thinking about your vibrator upstairs and whether its batteries are still charged and in working order. Then there is the other matter of wishing to have the orgasm with someone rather than alone with your fantasy life. Of course the confusing part of this is that these sexual yearnings seem to disappear off my inner radar once I get to work or busy with something. This is so NOT like me. Usually when these kinds of fantasys begin appearing I cannot get them out of my mind until I do something about them.

The problem with this too is that I am not particularly in the mind space to be seeking a new relationship. There is just far too much going on still as I sort out my mental landscape to be able to handle a new relationship right now. Nor to I feel particularly bad that I am not seeking a new relationship actively right now or anytime in the near future.

So, I guess these Blues are really just a bit of loneliness. Nothing too serious to worry about or set off the warning bells of my developing emotional mapping skills.

Still it's a bit annoying!

Oh well

I've been reading Shogun again. Damn I love that book! I went to the library last weekend and wondered around for an hour just reading titles and book jackets. I had forgotten how much I love to read. My daughter J laughed at me when I got home with an armload of books. She said I was funny, but could not explain why. Ok she is confusing at times, but definitely fun.

Therefore, I am looking forward to a weekend of reading until my hearts content. I will not even get out of my pjs of I don’t want to.

I need to get back to studying my self-help book. My therapist is encouraging me to get back to studying it on a daily basis. Its just that there is so much to think about with each new idea presented that I seem to be having epiphanies ever week and these take a bit of thinking to work out how, when, where these beliefs came from and then how to deal with them effectively. Time consuming and mind draining at times. No wonder I have been so tired this week.

I wanted to thank EVERYONE (you know who you are) who have come over and commented already. You are all the best! I sincerely appreciate your generosity and kind comments.

Those ought to help me get rid of the loneliness feelings. After all who can feel truly lonely when you all are there with your lovely comments and support!

NEW NEW NEW

2005-10-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

This is my new place wherein I can say what I feel, think, want, need, or anything else I wish. I had to move my blog because I found myself always considering what my real life friends were going to react to something I felt. I began to feel restricted there.

So here I am!

Boundaries

2005-10-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

I read something today that really says exactly what I am attempting to do right now.
“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results. " Anon.

So to bring about a positive outlook, I must learn to modulate my immediate emotional reactions to events or people. This has absolutely nothing to do with the events or the people themselves. They are on their own personal journey and I cannot change that or anyone else. However, I can change myself in that I learn to transform my emotional reactions or passive/aggressive reactions to a logical response. In a way, I think it has to do with not taking things so personally or trying to decide or decipher others thoughts, words, or feelings as negatively judgmental about me.

This is far more difficult to actually do than I would have guessed. It takes time and practice, which likely explains exactly why I continue to only work with this new frame of reference in very small doses for the time being.

It takes time (& a lot of energy) to delve deep into my inner consciousness to discover these hidden beliefs about myself that have driven my negative emotional reactions to some events and/or people.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on who’s point of view, this process takes some time wherein I am not capable of handling some aspects of a friend’s attitudes, needs, or perhaps simply discussions without jumping into another emotional reaction. These emotional reactions ARE my problem and no one is at fault for being the catalyst of them. Therefore, I require time, energy, and a trusting attitude from people I love, care about, and respect. I will get there in my own time and in my own way.

One of the biggest lessons I am learning right now is about setting boundaries for me. It seems to me that when I think back over my life that I have allowed just about anyone step over my own sense of personal boundaries just because someone asked a question, or for information about me. I felt that I had to answer them honestly, without regard to how I felt about giving them, or anyone, that information about myself. I realized that recently I felt a great deal of resentment about this. However, that resentment is misplaced due to the fact that I did not establish my own boundaries in the first place. It’s interesting when I try to establish the basis for this inability of setting boundaries for me that I discover it is related to my childhood. I distinctly remember my stepmother as always accusing me of lying. This is not to state that I never lied at all as a child because I did the same as most children. However, the relationship between my stepmother and me was so strained that no matter what I said or did not say was always regarded as an outright lie or a lie by omission. I can only remember now how many times I tried to be totally honest and instead of reward received another defamation of my character.

So somehow I got the idea that I MUST be scrupulously honest at all times no matter how I felt about the question being an invasion into my privacy or not. I would end up telling total strangers aspects of my lifestyle, or beliefs, that were very personal. Then I would react in an emotional way and with resentment because I felt invaded. How fucked up is that?????

I have also realized that I have felt very vulnerable when I allowed this whole thing to happen because the revelations carried with them an expectation that the other person would respect and honor me as a reward sort of feeling.

Hell, this whole process becomes increasingly like peeling the layers of an onion. It makes me cry, why I am not sure. Then I become angry with myself because I have done these things to myself. (No one has done them to me and no one else is responsible.) This of course becomes another opportunity for the negative thought processes to take another whack at my self-esteem and beat the hell out of me.

Is it any wonder then that I am struggling to establish my own boundaries? What does that mean right now for me?

Well for the time being, I am taking phone calls or visits when I am ready for them. This means that just because I do not wish to talk to, or visit with, someone right at the moment has absolutely nothing to do with that person at all. Rather it has to do with my own ability to modify and/or regulate my own emotional response at that particular time. So leave a message I will get back to you when I am ready. Do not expect me to react favorably when I feel overwhelmed already and yet again, the same questions (that I have already answered) are asked again or solutions are presented about how, when, or where I establish my own personal boundaries. It DOES NOT help, but rather simply upsets me further as I react in ways that are not healthy for me! NO ONE can help me with this, with the possible exception of my therapist, as it is WORK that I need to do in my own way and in my own time and that context requires privacy and giving myself permission to respond to my own needs rather than feeling obligated to listen to, respond, or engage in discussions with others.

Also once again, I have to say that I have no objections to anyone reading this very very personal blog. HOWEVER, the READ This link on my sidebar establishes a boundary for me in that If you know me personally do NOT bring the things you read here up in a discussion with me. Please RESPECT that this is a very personal blog and the things I discuss here are for and about me on a very personal level, my way of sorting through my thoughts, emotions, reactions, etc. Thereby do not jump to the assumption that I am talking about you (unless of course I mention your initial) because oftentimes I am referring to my personal reactions to many situations, events, or people. No one is to blame for these as it is not them I am blaming or holding responsible. It is I and my reactions to these things that are going to take some time for me to straighten out.

So please understand that I may be moving this blog to another address BECAUSE it is becoming (really always has been) very personal and I am in the process of considering whether having personal friends read this is overstepping my developing sense of boundaries.

In the meantime, please understand that I am NOT upset with anyone of my friends who to happen to read this. It is not meant as a defamation of them or anything about judgments about them at all on a personal level. I still very much care, respect all my friends, and appreciate them for the people they are in their own right. Life would be so damn boring if we were all alike!

I only ask that friends respect and honor this developing process for me. Its going to take some time, a great deal of energy, and a lot of private thinking, reading, and assessing myself to sort it all out in a manner that works best for me. Keep in mind that some of these attitudes and beliefs are very deeply rooted in my consciousness (hell I feel silly in some ways to be so old and resorting myself at this stage in my life). Therefore will take a bit of time for me to simply discover these negative cores self-blaming thoughts and beliefs let alone reverse all of them.

I am on a very personal journey right now. It has many vicissitudes, but it is quite interesting. Bid me Bon Voyage and know that I will be coming back to you in the future after learning a great deal as we all do when we travel even if the traveling is within. (Damn wish the outside of me reflected the internal joy I am beginning to feel in response to my discoveries. Oh well there is another area that is going to require a bit of time and effort! *Grinning*)

Still Thinking :)

2005-10-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a bit of an odd place. I find that the mental energy of constantly sorting through my negative thoughts very tiring, and yet exhilarating. Its an odd combination at times.

One thing that still grabs me is anxiety at times about situations over which I know that I have very little control. So even though I remind myself of this and that I can trust my health care professionals to handle the situation in my best interests, I find myself constantly thinking and wishing and hoping that things will turn out the way I want or need.

Somehow, I simply cannot seem to acquire a sense of peace about such matters. That distresses me somewhat.

However, on the up side is the fact that events or situations that might have caused a severe emotional backlash previously I seem to be working through successfully.

One situation and/or event was when I had agreed to meet with BJ with the possibility of a sexual encounter that was not rushed or highly limited and he cancelled. I was furious! I think the biggest reason for my fury had to do with his assessment of my psychological condition at that time. I absolutely hate someone else telling me how I feel or should feel! However, he did reveal that he does not know everything about my mental state and that made him uncomfortable. Therefore, his discomfort caused him to cancel at the last minute. THAT I can accept. Nevertheless, there remains the fact that there is a lot he does not know about me, nor is likely to learn, quite simply due to the nature of our relationship that is limited due to time and other commitments. In addition, for myself, although I do trust him as a friend, I tend to limit the amount or degree of assess I allow him into myself due to our very differing degrees of core beliefs. I also told him that I think he accords himself far more influence upon me than I would. Whereas he states that you cannot have trust without influence, I disagree. This is due to my belief that you have to believe someone is worthy of your trust to allow them influence upon your life and then sometimes you may listen and others times disregard whatever influence they might try to exert. Therefore, the bottom line remains that no one can exert influence upon you that you do not accept.

Another situation involves my sense of hopefulness about the possibility of seeing someone special to me. I find myself handling the entire situation very effectively. Somewhat to my astonishment, I must admit. However, a phone call Sunday helped to resolve a misunderstanding with few words and none of the emotional backlash that I had feared. I felt very very good about the entire situation. Admittedly, there is still some fear and trepidation, but overall I think I will find out what it is that I need to know and ultimately resolve what has been a difficult situation for me. I am so proud of myself.

The only other thing that distresses me somewhat is that I find myself unable to handle the normal friendly exchange of problems with others. I find myself truly overwhelmed when I listen to their problems. It is very possible that I do expect myself to be able to help, but realize that at this point it is entirely logical to reserve my strength to resolve my own issues. It seems I can handle the small things that my daughter J brings home, but find it extremely difficult to listen to my other daughter’s issues. My sister’s do not seem to bring on this sense of hopelessness so I am all right there. However, the minute someone else mentions that they are having problems that they wish to talk over with me, I find myself feeling truly stressed and upset. It’s as if I feel that I SHOULD (that nasty word) be able to help out or at least listen, BUT cannot handle my sense of helplessness and frustration when I know that my advise or counsel is often ignored or discounted. It seems to me that if everything I have to offer is discounted and/or ignored why bother to ask me in the first place and especially so when it is the same problem or issue over and over again.

It is going to take me a while longer to sort this one through to achieve a satisfactory balance. However, I am ok with that for the time being.

Therefore, to finish on an up note, I am feeling very good and seem to be progressing steadily in my efforts. I guess I should not expect myself to do everything at once or perfectly.

LOL This is going to take some time!

REFLECTIONS AND PERCEPTIONS

2005-10-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it just hurts to be in love, especially when you say the words and the phrase is not repeated back to you. However, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you, or that you are unlovable, or flawed in some way. It might simply mean that the person is not capable of saying the words, although he may feel them, or have other considerations that might prevent or preclude saying the phrase. Besides which the fact remains that sometimes you are going to love someone who cannot love you back. The rejection has little or nothing to do with you, but more likely their own internal perceptions regarding being in love itself. Who knows? The best you can do is remind yourself that rejections happen and not everyone is going to like you or love you and that is going to hurt at times, but it can only scar you if you let it. Your own perceptions will color how you feel about the situation, not the event, because no one can do anything to you unless you let them.

In my wildest and most cherished fantasies, I am captured by my Master, carried off to his dungeon, and chained to his bed to serve him however, whenever, and in whatever manner that most pleases him. But, I do recognize that this is a fantasy, because it does not take into account the realities of living that require work time, relaxation and recreation time, family and friends commitments, fresh air and sunlight, or the simple tasks of taking care of the physical aspects of living. So, it’s obvious that I would honestly desire a compromise between the two boundaries of my favorite fantasy and the reality of living.

I find it interesting that I have not truly given up hope. It still lurks in my soul and cannot be trampled out of existence despite my most determined efforts. Upon reflection, I realize now that huge quantities of my extremely emotional reactions in the past were based solely upon my negative perceptions of the events at that time and that these drove the cycle of anguish. However, this is not to say that both of us shared many miscommunications and negative feedback that drove both of us into depression, anger, and pain.

More remarkable yet is that so many have told me how often they had seen us together and marveled at the joy and bliss that we shared in one another when things were working out for us. So part of me finds this amazing, because I had pushed away those memories, but still there are little reminders all of the time that lead to those wonderful memories that still remain deep in my soul.

It is also intriguing that many/most of the horrible memories of events or times when things between us went hideously awry are fading away and disappearing from my consciousness as I learn to discontinue the practice of using them to remind myself of my failures or seek to use them for blame.

Where is all of this leading? I haven’t a clue right now. But I am ok with that for the moment.

I find myself rather stunned about all of this, as it is such an abrupt change in my methods of handling things that previously were the worst source of my overwhelmed, insecure, inadequate, unloved, and unworthy feelings. Naturally, I question how my perceptions could have changed so rapidly. Upon reflection, I realize that all of these are undoubtedly linked to my developing understanding of my own internal dialogue. For the moment, I am simply grateful that my self-imposed anguish does not result following events wherein my previous perceptions had tinted so negatively. I realize that there is still a long road to travel with all of this, but I am hopeful, albeit a bit nervous, that I can continue to learn how to decode my own understanding of my thoughts to my continuing advantage of not allowing them to drive me into a deep depression.
Posted by dee at 10:19 AM ~ No comment
Monday, October 03, 2005
Goals and Processing
My daughter J and I had a conversation on the weekend about goals. She was telling me that she set herself daily goals, short term goals, and long term goals and these help her to put all the many and maddening conversation in their proper place in her mind. She also stated that she did not set these goals in stone, but that acknowledges that when she did not achieve one of her goals that she might need to revise it due to circumstances and other factors. However, she regularly acknowledged and congratulated herself on those goals she had managed to achieve or exceed.

How does this relate to me? Well interestingly enough I realized that setting goals upset me or make me extremely nervous. I could not at first understand why this was the case. Therefore, I got to thinking about my life in the past and I realized I had set goals for myself in my past. I had finished high school, I had had my daughters and did the best I knew how to raise them (personally I think they turned out pretty wonderful), I had gotten the job I wanted and did it well, and basically I had set myself lots of daily, short-term and long-term goals. All of the past goals I had achieved and/or exceeded in my past history. So what had happened to stop goal setting and acknowledgement process, and when did the mere thought of setting goals become something to fear?

Therefore, J and I talked about this and it kinda came out that I had lost my sense of goal setting when I had been with L for a long time. However, why? In my way of thinking, there were a couple of things;

1) I had built my life around his life (I think largely at his insistence, although I doubt now whether he truly understood how I would take this.) Therefore, I found it difficult to set personal goals, especially for the long term, because oftentimes I was waiting for L's goals or decisions regarding those goals that we had set together.

2) Oftentimes L would make promises or agreements and then for whatever reason would be broken (although I honestly cannot remember exact instances at this time, I do remember the anguish when it happened.) So that I became afraid to set goals that we might be able to achieve together because it was very painful to become disappointed when they were not acknowledged, discussed, or achieved.

So, It follows that I learned not to set goals anymore due to circumstances beyond my control at the time at least in part because I had given all the control to L, and that it became very painful and distressing to have the goals ignored, pushed aside, or simply broken without explanation.

However, the fact remains that I think now that L might have accidentally stepped into some holes within my soul and psychic that he did not realize would be so devastating for me.

For example, my silent and perhaps learned assumptions that I require approval, or love, or that errors equal failure and without these equates failure as a person and/or a sense that I am not worthy of these things. However, these create a vulnerability that drives mood swings as I became exquisitely sensitive to any criticism or implied lack of love. So that I have judged my self worth dependent and related to many factors outside of myself, or events, and circumstances.

Of course, the interesting part is the fact that I was living by and basing my self-esteem upon these assumptions without truly realizing this.

Therefore, the first step is the realization of these illogical beliefs and self-assumptions that have driven my reactions and moods for perhaps longer than I realize. The second step is learning how to recognize these thoughts when they occur, then refute them, and replace them with a more realistic and logical thought processes.

Not surprisingly, I am finding this process very tiring with its mental drain of trying to capture the negative thoughts and then relate them to some core belief system that motives the negative thought processes and then refute them with an understanding of their lack of logic and replace them with more realistic self talk.

It naturally follows that I am finding it difficult to relate to people or my friends right at the moment because I am sensitive and fragile when I hear their own negative statements, or perhaps I am fearing their possible disapproval, or their own seemingly negative worrying and forecasting regarding my future, abilities, or thoughts. Therefore, for the time being until I feel a bit stronger and more able to control my own negative reactions, I am avoiding or minimizing contact. At least until I have an opportunity to talk with my therapist and come up with some strategies to disconnect my reactions to others negative or passive/aggressive conversations.

This is going to take some time and I sincerely hope my family and friends can understand why this is necessary for me and not take my withdrawal or lack of active communication as a sign of diminishing care or concern for them.

This is a very difficult posting

2005-09-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am not sure that I want to post about this, but at the same time, I feel that I need to do so.

Last week I suffered from a minor nervous breakdown and I voluntarily went into the psychiatric ward in the hospital before I did something irreversible. The staff there and the psychiatrist were wonderful and extremely helpful. They also pointed me to a book called “Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns, M.D. that really gave me some insights into my severe depression and some methods to fight it.

This involved the learning and application of cognitive therapy. So as the psychiatrist pointed out simply providing my intelligent self with “clinically proven treatment” I am able to sort my way through a great deal of what has been happening to me and why.

For me the “holy cow that’s it” moment happened when I read, “You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment.” So that a severe depression is related to your own negative self-talk to yourself about what is happening to you and the world around you. The therapy in the book involved teaching yourself to notice the entire negative self-talk that is going on in your mind. These thoughts might take the form of thinking to yourself when someone complains about something that you never do anything right. Alternatively, perhaps a type of fortune telling forecasting in that you think that everything will turn out badly until you begin to believe that this is already an established fact. Maybe you dwell on all the negative in the past and discount or ignore all of the positive that you have accomplished. Alternatively, you continually try to motivate yourself with should or should not statements that tend to simply make you feel guilty, resentful and anger at yourself. The bottom line becomes because all of these thoughts cause feelings and because these are not good feelings, a depressed person begins to believe because they feel bad that it is likely they are bad, or deficient, or flawed in some fundamental way. Therefore, the whole cycle becomes self-defeating driving a person deeper and deeper into the depression. Dr. Burns characterizes this with the “4 Ds …. Defeated.. Defective …Deserted and Deprived.

To understand this it would be necessary to read "Feeling Good" because I cannot express it as well or as clearly as does Dr. Burns. Therefore, if any of my readers (if any) recognize any of this I suggest that you pick up this book and seek some help if you are considering suicide.

However, the bottom line is this book, along with some sincere and insightful discussions with the psychiatrist and staff in the hospital, gave me back my sense of hope that I do not have to live like this anymore. In addition, I will be consulting with a therapist to guide me through the steps of learning to undo my negatively automatic self-talk that is destroying my well-being.

I guess the bottom line is that I am working on this among other things, such as my passive/ aggressive reactions at times and looking forward to a better and happier existence in the future. So say a little prayer for me and thanks!

So Damn Tired of it ALL

2005-09-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm going to apologize before I even start because I know that I am very busy beating myself to death for ALL my mistakes, dreams, ideals, goals, and just for being me that this post is likely to reflect the worst of myself!

Talking to my daughter J last night and she is telling me how thrilled and happy she is to be going to visit her boyfriend next weekend for their 1 year anniversary of going together. However, she is worried about being so very happy in that the instinctual fear kind of way that it just cannot last, or something will ruin it, etc. But what makes her even more distressed is that she says she knows that I am "miserable". Ok how fucked up is that? Of course I tried to reassure her that she should just enjoy her happiness and not fret about its future right now so long as she and her boyfriend are both communicating well and working together for a future that although there might be rough times they'll find a way together. Besides which I would be far more miserable if I knew that she were unhappy as she was when she first came to stay with me.

But later I got to thinking to myself just how I am in that I tend to "live" for others. In some ways I think it used to be very co-dependent and not healthy and certainly being the oldest daughter in many ways I took on much of the responsibility for my siblings in a very dysfunctional household. However, I truly am selfish about it in a way in that when I am truly needed by another human being and integral to their life then somehow I feel complete and feel a sense of joy and happiness in life as well. I have read a great deal about co-dependency and certainly feel that some of my previous behaviors had some degree of that in them. But for years I've done my best to watch out for these and to modify those behaviors and deal with the issues within myself that might be causing me to react in unhealthy ways.

But, lately I have become so very tired of it all, everything, the whole damn life experience! More than likely this is due to many factors that have existed for some time. However, lately I think the realization that I am not, nor will I ever be integral to L's life has hit me hard. I guess it was that "He is just not that Into You" that finally hit home with me. I realized and noted that he is NOT going to make a effort to resolve anything with me because I am simply not integral to his life. He cannot feel my absense with a sense of anguish or loss that makes it impossible for him to resist contacting me just for the sound of my voice or whatever. Its ok really in that its good to truly know this and understand it. But it hurts so badly especially when I built my life around him and was truly happy to do so. So I feel lost at times and so alone that I am crippled at times with the pain of it. Also, I suppose it does not help when I had made another small effort to begin a connection with another man. We had talked several times and I had met him at other events very briefly, so I invited him to the house party. Only to find that somehow he had decided that the invitation was also to my bed and at one point when I was busy trying to be polite and firm that this was NOT going to happen, he bit my scalp. WTF????? I mean really as a method of seduction or persuasion a bite to the scalp leaves a great deal to be desired! So once again I begin asking myself what the hell is wrong with me? Is there some invisible message in my voice, or on my forehead that invites the NUTCASES to me? Honestly I simply do not GET it!

Added to this has been a stressful time for my friend P. I rent his house and he has had problems with his father and has had to move him into a nursing facility and clear out his apartment. I truly do not mind this and after all what else is P going to do with all of the stuff anyway. However, I haven't been feeling well and there is always some reason that P has to be at the house for something or the other. So a part of me resents it on some level because from the beginning of renting his house there has been a major element of a lack of privacy and I am PAYING for that? At least eventually I got it through to him that it was NOT OK to simply come over and enter the house whenever he wished or felt the need. So that is something, but sometimes P simply does not understand that I do NOT want to see anyone or talk to anyone and still he insists that he has to pick up mail or something equally as urgent. So it becomes difficult for me as I try to find a balance between the fact that P has always been really helpful and understanding about many things and yet at the same time simply does not understand that I have no sense of privacy in my own home that I would have if I rented an apartment. AND in all honesty it certainly does not bother me if he stores the furniture at the house or many other factors as I truly feel good that whatever efforts or concessions I can make that help him does make me feel good about helping a friend in some small way.

Certainly, I felt good about the small things I was able to do to help R and G, but at the same time it lacks a certain connection that I need. I simply am not able to do a totally service oriented type of relationship because there has to be that soul affinity that makes it work for me.

So where am I going with all of this? Well it occurred to me last night that IF something happened to my daughter J that I simply would no longer have any reason to continue. I'm too tired of it all and my other daughter D needs me, but not truly the same way as she has her aunt and cousin that are far more of her support structure than I. There are my grandsons, but they have their mother. AND really all that J needs from me most is my continued financial support until her immigration is resolved and/or she and her boyfriend get married. SO in all the world there is not one person to whom I am integral to their lives who couldn't live without me. I know this reads like self pity and perhaps it is to some degree, but more than anything I am just tired of it all and I wish for the peace of non existance, of sleep, or whatever. I simply feel empty and used up. I have nothing else to give to anyone or am simply too tired to try. The well is empty in a way as there is no one to whom I am essential.

Somehow, just writing all of this makes me feel better. Perhaps it is just getting it out of my mind, so I can let it go. Perhaps that is all that is needed to push me into getting back in the saddle once more. After all there is much I have to be thankful for in my life and if I can get the damn demons of my past out of my soul and truly forgive myself for all my errors along the way, maybe I can find something that will provide the reason I need to continue on this journey.

Musings

2005-09-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Its a bit of a tough day today as it is the birthday of my youngest sister who died at the same age as the current age of my youngest daughter. It was 22 years ago, but it seems like yesterday, and the grief still is there, especially on her birthday. Actually it is my brother's birthday tomorrow. He was born 2 years and a day later than my sister. He strongly felt that she had committed suicide as she died of a cocaine overdose with mainlining it. However, he had not seen her for at least a year or more and I had seen her barely 2 weeks before the accident and I KNEW she had made a major mistake, not a definite choice to end her life. The worst was at the time and to some degree still was that I had a strong premonition of her death the last time I saw her and did not warn her. But at the time she was so very happy planning her vacation to visit sites of the Lewis and Clark expedition and her engagement to the lovely man she was in love with at the time. I so know what happened, although it was not clear in the premonition at the time, but later I learned that she was going to a party with her fiance that evening. I understand her need to use the cocaine as a crutch against her fear of crowds, despite the fact that her fiance would have had a fit and stopped her if he had known. She locked herself in the bathroom and injected it because she was damn cheap and hated if she blew it the effects would wear off sooner than if she injected it. But it was purer than she was used to and it stopped her heart and by the time her fiance broke the bathroom door and called 911, it had been 20 minutes and she suffered brain death, although they got her heart started again. But I so remember standing by her bed in the emergency room and the nurses telling me to talk to her and see if I could get a response so I kept telling her to squeeze my hand when I noticed that her other hand was moving. It was the last time there was any response and finally after I had dealt with the entire dysfunctional family gathering it was agreed to shut down the machines and I was left alone to deal with the paperwork, cremation, and sorting through her stuff. So today, I grieve once again for the loss of a dearly loved sister who died tragically so long ago.

Also, I have been grieving with the rest of the world for the losses of so many in the wake of Katrina. So I haven't been saying too much lately as so many others have said it so much better.

Disclosures

2005-08-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

LOL ... I love that title for this "Disclosures." I guess that is because I write this blog mostly as a place to put things about myself for myself to sort through, evaluate, get out of my head, heal, and a lot of other things that I feel like the entire blog is a disclosure of sorts. But, I am aware that others read this blog as well and that some of these people know me personally in real life. In some respects I am ok with that and in others I am not. A part of me does not mind if people read my blog, hopefully they get something from it, or simply enjoy it, or whatever the reasons they might have for reading it. Then there is the aspect of a personal friend reading my blog and the fact that in doing so they have access to perhaps pieces of me that I might not ordinarily show them or allow them to see. So, sometimes that is a bit uncomfortable for me as I feel a bit exposed at times. Yet, if personal friends recognize and respect the highly personal nature of this blog and do not invade my privacy by bringing up things that I have written here (unless I ask them) then mostly I am ok with them seeing me as I am here in this special place.

So onto disclosures! LMAO

L's name for me was slut and although I do not think it was appropriate to have his name for me tattooed on my ankle, (It meant for us Southern Lady Utilizing Talents.), it still is a fairly accurate description of a part of my sexual being. So .... over the years of my various sexual escapades I have learned a couple of things. I am highly orgasmic, and responsive and unless a man (or woman for that matter) is exceedingly poor at the exquisite dance of passion that I will respond and enjoy the experience to a greater or lesser degree. For many years, (between my 2 marriages), I had several purely sexual relationships that were satisfying to both myself and my partner, but carried with them no expectations of anything more than the basic friendship and sexual pleasure we were able to provide for one another. During my marriage of almost 20 years sex was always enjoyable, if predictable, between us and only began to slip as the communication and intimacy slipped and was lost between us. There is another factor that also has some bearing upon us and that was my lack of total honesty about an aspect of my sexuality and that was my submissive nature. I can only say now that I was afraid, terrified that my husband, along with the rest of the world, would judge me as a very sick person for this aspect of myself. The years with L were in many ways a freedom in that he actively encouraged my exploration and expression of the purely slut aspect of my sexuality in that I could enjoy sex with someone other than him for the purely sexual release, pleasure shared and know that L would not judge this, but rather be proud of me for being able to experience it, and share it with him. Also, I think for L there was an aspect of showing off to others that I am a slut and belonged to him. However, over the years of being with L and the lapse of emotional and intimate connection that had originally been the basis of our relationship, the purely sexual nature of these encounters began to become less and less satisfying and/or fulfilling for me. In other words, I discovered that without some emotional, or psychological connection with that special someone that purely slut sex was not fun anymore. In all fairness I do have to say that I was very lucky to establish a friendship with one of those sexual partners that lasts to this day. I'm lucky in that I can talk to him about lots of things and feel an emotional and/or psychological connection without sex, but that there is also no expectations on either side that the friendship and sexual partnering will develop into something more than that.

So .... where am I going with all of this?

Well last night I had hoped to meet the friend that I refer to in the last sentence above. (I have talked about him before as BJ.) Unfortunately, circumstances simply did not allow us to be together last night. So that left me with the purely slut part of me very active and aware without any recourse to expression of that part of my sexuality with anyone with whom it would have been safe, and that I felt enough of a connection with to be able to engage in the expression of that part of myself. (This means the wild, insane nature of the slut in me that needs a hard, deep, somewhat painful, wildly intense, pounding, leaving me somewhat sore inside and out fucking!) OK I know some people are going to groan with frustration, but finally I phoned L.. I was surprised to discover that he was somewhat annoyed with my telling him about what I was wanting and needing last night. He stated that it annoyed him because I had gotten to the point that I did not want to discuss ONLY that part of myself at the expense of the intimate connection that I needed so badly,(and that felt that had gotten lost or lapsed in our lack of time available conversations).

Anyway .... after I talked to L for a bit and kibitzed around with him for a bit, he had to go and I was ok with that. So I began watching the Oprah show that my friend T had phoned me about earlier in the day insisting that I really needed to see this. Oprah's guest was Greg Behrendt, co-author with Liz Tuccillo, of the book He's Just Not That Into You! (information about the book, authors, and interview). AND while I am watching this I so realize what I have done to myself with L. Yes I offered excuses why he didn't phone me, or didn't seem to want to be with me, or was no longer interested in me as a person, and all the rest. I so GOT IT! I mean really it isn't his fault or mine it is simply that somewhere or somehow for whatever reason L feels that I "am not the one for him." So no matter how many excuses, considerations for being busy with work or other things, or whatever else that keeps L from connecting with me that I kept trying to make exceptions for and excuses for why the relationship just was not satisfying for me JUST ARE EXAMPLES OF HIS FEELING THAT I AM NOT THE ONE FOR HIM. Of course he would and was entirely happy with the companionship, the sex, the D/s, and other stuff too I suppose, but the REAL REASON it never moved onto the deeper and more satisfying for me relationship of 24/7 was exactly that his inner feeling that I am not the one. After watching the Oprah show and listening to Greg Behrendt comment to questions other women had about their relationships, I went to bed with my trusty vibrator, with new batteries, and releaved the tension of the slut in me. AND when L phoned me back about 1am in the morning, I thought about what he had said to me about being willing to be a booty call person for me the next time he was "in town" when he hung up. I realized that as Greg Behrendt had mentioned to another woman about "breakup sex" that unless she realized that it meant nothing more than that "sex" and that unless she could do it without beginning the cycle of hope that suggests that he will finally get it and need more than the companionship sex with her, that "breakup sex" is really a waste of time for her.

So the obvious question for me is;

Can I Have Sex With L without expectation that it means anything more or hope for anything more than just the expression of sexual companionship with him?

To be honest, I do not know the answer to that question. I am obviously thinking about it right now.

What I do know is that I want/need a man that is truly IN TO ME! in that he truly wants to know everything about me down to my deepest darkest secrets and he needs me to know everything about him as well and that we both accept these things about each other with joy, love, and without judgment. I know that friendship sex is ok and somewhat satisfying on a certain level of my being, but that it is also just a stopgap measure on my search for the man that is TRULY INTO ME in every way and on every level.

I feel sad a bit as I feel the fear that this will not happen for me, but then life's a journey, but I have discovered that I cannot hide from it because I am afraid it might not hold the fulfillment I seek. So hang tough with me as I continue the search outside and inside myself!

Being Submissive

2005-08-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

This has to be the best and most accurate assessment of A Healthy Female Submissive that I have ever read. I feel that this is due to its explanation of the questions that a submissive female asks herself when she realizes that she is submissive. But, the most interesting is the part about "What Makes a Woman Submissive?" is the answer to that question is that its obviously a combination of nature and nurture. However, the nature part of it so impressively describes the submissive nature as being "exquisitely sensitive to nuance: she will know when others are angry, hurt, sad, bewildered even when they are not spoken about. She has a "sixth sense" about people."

I so identify with this! I am and have always been highly empathic and am very sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and moods of others. So in a D/s relationship it makes me extremely uncomfortable when I can sense that something is going on but cannot discover the cause. Of course its sometimes learning to ask the right questions and that takes practice (meaning I am not always as good at it as I might like).

Dr. Yaldal Tovah has a fantastic website (Submissive Women Speak) that I feel it should be required reading for all submissives and Dominants (who wish to be worthy of the title). There are lots of great articles and the Guestbook provides lots of answers to common questions. This is a revamp of an older website that I spent lots of time reading years ago, including original articles from the old website, but now with lots of new articles and information as well. SO GO READ IT! *grin*

PS: If you do not identify with any of the labels of the BDSM, its still a good place to start if you are simply curious!

B & P continued

2005-08-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am continuing my thoughts and feelings about the conversation with L and knowing me whatever else is running around in my mind.

Today I am thinking that the conversation with L was a good thing. I feel happy, energized, and hopeful about myself and my future right now. AND surprisingly I am not feeling an agonized grief that L might not be my only future, one way or the other. I suppose that means that I can finally consider a future on my own or perhaps with someone else, but that now it does not mean if it isn't with L that I feel as if I do not have a future at all. My thought right at the moment is that it must mean that I am finally truly healing, forgiving, and forgetting the horror that was sometimes my past. However, I am trying to retain the lessons that I have learned from both the good and not so good experiences and perhaps more than anything else these are what I need from my conversations with L.

So to continue with the conversation with L, one thing he said that disturbs me a little is that he mentions that he feels that I am an extremist. Its something that I do not feel that I can truly deny because years ago when I was seeing a psychiatrist, after he had done all of his tests and several conversations, he told me that I am an idiosyncratic. WTF??? *grin* At the time I did not understand what that meant. The dictionary defines it as; 2. A psychological or temperamental peculiarity. Ok I always knew that I am a bit peculiar and/or eccentric, so I asked for a more simplistic explanation. The psychiatrist explained that it is kind of like a genius that is exceptional in one area, but cannot manage to do such simple tasts as putting on matching socks. He also stated that for me it is that I have more extremes of expression and mood than perhaps the average person. Well I had always known this about myself, but it was interesting to have such a diagnosis from a professional. The other thing that the doctor explained was that it was likely that I would never be able to achieve a more moderate psychological effect between my extremes, but that I most likely find a balance using my analytical and logical abilities. So for me I cannot dispute L's assessment of my extreme, at times, emotional reaction to some situations and circumstances. However, I can state that given a bit of time and a fair amount of open communication that I can balance an extreme emotional reaction when I am given enough information and time to process them with my analytical abilities. So my feeling about L's assessment is that although I cannot disagree and do certainly acknowledge my extremes of reaction, however, had he been willing and/or able to balance these with some time taken with logical assessments of what had happened and why, I certainly would not have held onto the extremes and been able to reevaluate the situation or circumstance causing such reactions. As well I think that the next time a similiar circumstance or situation occurred that I would have been able to use my previous assessments to balance out the emotional reactions. So I would have to admit that I can and probably am quite a difficult person to share in a relationship, but given time, patience, and a great deal of open and honest communication that I am willing and quite happy to work through the instances and areas of problems.

Of course this is not to state that L did not have a great deal of patience with me at times. He did and particularly so in the beginning when I was so very afraid of what was happening between us and the BDSM lifestyle. However, perhaps I wore his patience down or just the change from a relationship where we saw a great deal of each other (because we lived fairly close by) to a long distance relationship simply did not provide us with enough time together to work through some of the issues that came up between us. Personally, I believe the second assessment is most likely the most accurate one. The fact that most times in the last 5 to 7 years of our relationship we only saw one another about once or twice a month and a lot of those times we were so excited to see one another that a lot of the time spent together was in bed making love and in BDSM play activities tended to exclude time together talking and working through some of the problems we might have been having at the time. So these, at least on my part, began to build up causing more sensitivity to over emotional reactions to situations involving our relationship that I felt that I was left to handle on my own. I remember eventually that I began to feel that I was simply a plaything, fuck toy, or escape for him from his "real" life and that was not what I wanted or needed at all as it was my understanding that we were supposely working towards a 24/7 relationship wherein we would be living together in the same household and sharing our entire lives. However, when it seemed that there was no or little advances in that area, I began to feel more and more used and less able to be the slave he wanted because I did not have the feedback that I felt that I needed to maintain that lifestyle all of the time on my own. Of course in my hurt and my extreme ways of expressing myself I certainly told L all of this and he told me during our conversation the other night that he was very hurt by this and felt attacked to some degree. I can understand that my ability to express what I feel when I am hurting in a manner that becomes quite emphatic, especially over the phone or in an email, could wound someone even if that was not my intention at all. So in many ways to help me and to some degree to avoid being hurt again, L withdrew many of the Master/slave aspects of our relationship. However, because these were a large part of our relationship and I perhaps had become overly dependent upon some aspects of that type of relationship, this retreat caused me even more insecurity. Again, much of what was happening became a cycle of hurt, anger, miscommunication, or lack of, and misunderstandings until I reached a point of a very deep depression seeking frantically to try to find some way of getting L to understand what was happening to me and help me find a way to work it through for both of us. But by this time all L was hearing was my weeping pleas to change our situation and circumstances and my resentment when he allowed everything else to have a priority over our relationship. I will admit that I came up with some wildly conceived ideas about his quitting his career (that I know he truly loves) and moving here and starting from the beginning again, or getting married immediately to resolve the resident issue and other things less incredulous ideas, but at the time I felt desperate and grasping at straws to save our relationship. However, L met these with either no response at all, ignored them, or gave them lip service at the time and then never mentioned them again, all of which just caused me to feel more like a "fuck toy"and less like a partner in a relationship. So I became even more depressed, lonely, and the resulting health problems just kept increasing all of the stress I already was feeling. As I think of it now, IF L had taken some time to communicate with me honestly what he was feeling without his own sense of extreme reactions and anger, that we truly could have found some way to sort through all of the differing ideals, emotions, thoughts, and feelings that were causing us both so much pain and anguish. But I think now that he did the male thing and withdrew into his cave and refused to come out which of course I misunderstood to mean that I and/or the relationship was without value to him, ultimately meaning that he did not love me at all. Oh Goddess I wish that neither of us had to suffer as deeply then as we both did from all the misunderstandings and miscommunications.

So I think now that talking to L that hopefully is a healing process for both of us and hopefully we can both benefit from this now. I am happy to say that I feel that it is helping me in some ways, but I can freely admit to finding that somewhere deep inside me there still exists the love I felt for him and I guess that is ok too.

Blessed be all and hopefully we all will find some peace for ourselves.

Bits and pieces

2005-08-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm tired this morning because I spent last night until 2:00 am on the phone with L. More about that later *smile* (just to show it was not a bad thing)

So my daughter, D, is coming down for the weekend bringing my grandsons. I am thrilled as it is always a joy to see the boys. However, the reason that my daughter so needs a break from her home has to do with the decision that she and her husband need to get a divorce. Her husband has control issues and is quite a manipulator to the degree that is causing my daughter severe emotional and psychological distress for many years. But the worst of this is that recently this has also begun to slip into mild physical abuse as well. Of course my daughter is still trying with all her might to maintain a stable home environment for the boys, but this too is becoming a stressor with the manipulation of her husband running counter to her efforts. Also there is the financial aspect of dissolving the marriage and the business that they run together as well as selling the house that causes my daughter much worry about her ability to manage on her own as a single parent with two small boys. My concern is that the worry factor about the best way to proceed with the divorce, her husband's controlling and manipulative attitudes, running the business accounting, and all of the other daily stress causing factors of raising kids, being a mother, running a household, etc. are taking their toll on my daughter's mental and physical health. I am trying to convince her to see a psychologist or some other counseling professional, but at this time she is avoiding the issue because I think she feels that she "should" be able to handle all of this effectively. So the first step is get my daughter to come for a visit wherein she can get out from under the bombardment from her husband and the house duties for a little time and really have the opportunity to talk out what she is feeling and think about any suggestions that I and my younger daughter J might be able to offer. OR if nothing else just to get a break from the pressure cooker that has become her marriage and home.

Unfortunately, this means that I have had to cancel a party that I have been planning for a few months for many friends. I am saddened by this because I truly was looking forward to seeing some of the people that I do not have the opportunity to talk to as often as I might like to do. AND there is the concern that a couple of those friends might not understand my need to place my daughter first in this instance. Oh well, I'll deal with that if I must when I have the time.

I did go to a party given by a friend on the weekend and it was the first real "play" party that I had gone to since the breakup of my own M/s relationship. To be completely accurate I had gone one or two smaller play parties but in both instances it was at the encouragement of some dear friends that just wanted me to get out of my house and take a break from my grief. I truly appreciated their encouragement, but there was an extreme sadness for me in some ways as I was reminded of the years that I only attended such parties on the arm of L. However, Sat's party I attended with my friend R and it was the first time that I did not spend the entire evening watching others interact without a sense of grief over what was lost in my life. Also R and I had already decided that it was unlikely that we would play due to several factors in both our lives. I am not prepared to do public play with him just yet, nor anyone else I suppose as yet, and due to his stress levels on trying to get the house on the market before next weekend. So the evening was spent simply enjoying meeting new people and greeting old friends that I probably had not seen in some time, especially B, from Canada, who I had not seen in years but had earned my eternal gratitude by making herself available to listen and reassure me when I first came into the BDSM scene years ago. (How many I won't say as it feels as if I am aging myself dreadfully *grin* but if you must know my age it can be found somewhere on this blog *bigger grin*) So it was a wonderful evening in that I enjoyed it despite my fears of the big crowds that always attend C's parties.

I had meant to get tons of the household chores that have been on my list done on the weekend, but just couldn't seem to get motivated and only really accomplished the bare minimum. Oh well the dust will just have to wait for another day, but at least the basic vacuuming got done.

So as promised on to the phone conversation with L. I had been thinking about phoning him for days and had managed to convince myself that it would be a waste of time as he certainly did not seem interested in talking to me AND the fact that he has said and I quote "Whats the point" in talking to one another as there is no way for either of us to find an answer to the why's of the failure of our relationship. So I had made a major effort to talk to other friends about my reasons for even wanting to talk to L. Basically these came down to the feeling that I miss loving him or maybe just being in love. To be honest I cannot state that I have stopped loving L, although I accept (at times better than others) that love is not enough to make a real relationship work. But then I suppose that I am idealistically romantic enough to feel that real love is the starting point for finding a way to work out the problems in any relationship. So I suppose my reasons for wanting to talk to L had a great deal to do with finding out about myself and why I fell in love with him in the first place. It seems (as I have posted before) that L has many of the charactoristics of NPD, but at the same time I wonder if all of them are there at the same time or have always been there as I can remember instances of his empathy for me and others, or perhaps selflessness or other acts of kindness, etc. Besides I think that had ALL of the symptoms of NPD had always been there from the beginning that I would not have developed the almost spiritual connection with him that was the starting place for falling in love with L for me. So perhaps my need to talk to him meant nothing more than me trying to sort through my feelings in relation to him.

So it was mostly a very good conversation with both of us acknowledging our mistakes and the cause and effect of many aspects of our relationship. One of the most disturbing aspects of our M/s relationship was L's demand and practice of his stated need for "Total Control." This Total Control encompassed many details of my daily life such as how I dressed for work, the length of my nails, wearing a collar at all times, etc. (Keep in mind that L and I never in the over 10 years of our relationship never lived together.) So many times L did not seem to take into account that very long nails made it extremely difficult for me to do my job, or a very provocative manner of dress not only made me uncomfortable but my co-workers as well, thereby increasing my discomfort and not only did L not seem to listen or understand these, but to insist that they were my duty as a slave and his right as my Master. Of course these things were compounded by either his inability to listen to my sincere appeals for understanding about the stress these things, and many others, caused for me, but also that when I was upset by something that many times L was unavailable to even discuss them at all. In all fairness I must state that in the beginning especially there were times when I raised objections to some things that were not nearly as bad or difficult as I stated to him and to some degree I can understand his feeling that I called wolf too often. I can now state in retrospect that many times I might have been displaying a bratty slave attitude and at times, especially in the beginning, that very small things and changes in my daily routine tended to scare me rather easily. However, as we discussed together during our phone conversation the fact that due most of our communication over the last few years was on the phone or via email that it lacked some of the major components of the body language and tone/attitude that provides a clear understanding of the words that were spoken. Thereby L and I both agreed that many times there were incredible misunderstandings between what one person had stated and the other had understood. In all fairness I do remember when we did not live so far distant that many of our misunderstandings or miscommunications were dealt with quickly and easily when we got together face to face, although I must also admit that many of the fights at the beginning had to do with the situation of his living with the common law wife and her attempts to break the bond L and I shared. So many of the fights were not necessarily resolved in that L continued to try to promote a poly relationship wherein his wife did not want that at all & my resentment because he had lied about her existance in the first place and secondly because I instinctively sensed that she was only providing lip service to finding a way to make a poly relationship work for all of us while at the same time doing everything in her power to destroy L and I's relationship. I suppose most of all I resented that L continued to try to make everyone happy and refused to recognize or accept that no matter what he did or did not do that she would NEVER accept a poly relationship with me or most likely any other woman and he could not MAKE her change her mind about it. In fact it was this factor more than any other that caused me to finally make the decision to break off my relationship with L and escape all contact with him and her and move to Seattle to make a new life for myself (which actually did not work because L pursued me even from a distance until he finally accepted that she would not not change for him.) But I digress because I think one of the most difficult aspects of our relationship was the fact that as a result of L's Total Control policy that I lost of sense of my own boundaries to the degree that I came to distrust my own sense of what was right for me or the ability to make my own decisions regarding even the basic aspects of my life because I became so afraid of making a decision that he might object to on some level of protocol. So I feel that I became extremely needy and each time he put me off for other aspects of his life that needed his attention I became even more needy and then more deeply depressed feeling as if I were not worth his time and attention and in my analytical mind I searched for a reason for his behaviour and began to feel that it was because he did not love me. At least during our conversation last night we were both able to recognize the compound nature of our lack of communication or misunderstandings and how the whole thing began to build on itself and cycle around and around between us.

This is turning into a very long post, so I think perhaps I will continue it later. But I will state that I am not suffering a gigantic sense of grief or loss due to our conversation yesterday and last night. So its all good I suppose. *little smile*

The Great Escape

2005-08-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

So ... Monday night P and the plumbers working in my main bathroom decided to open the window (the only one in the house without screens) and forgot to close it. This precipitated an escape by all but one of the only indoor cats (we have 3, sadly) in my house. Interestingly the youngest cat, Punk, was just about to escape when I came into the bathroom. My daughter's cat, Trouble, was simply sitting outside the window eating grass, but because she is a very one person cat I called my daughter to catch her. However, my cat, Patches, went into her can't catch me mode and ran from one neighbor's yard to the next and back as my daughter and I tried unsuccessfully to capture her. Consequently Patches spent the entire night outside while I berated myself for becoming so emotionally attached to a pet once again. I was very worried because we live very near a very busy intersection and Patches has been an indoor cat only for many years. Also, I am used to Patches presence on the foot of my bed while I sleep so I tended to toss and turn all night. Thankfully, Patches decided that the outdoors was not as comfortable as indoors early the next morning while I sat on the porch drinking my coffee and called her again and listened to her answering cries as she moved closer and closer to my position near the front door. So everything is fine, and although I might bitch about becoming attached to my pets in all honesty I truly would not want to be without their special significance in my life.

Other stuff;

I am very annoyed by what seems to be an estrogen flux in my biology possibly caused by the soy protein that I find helpful with my IBS. However, years ago when I was taking a soy protein suppliment I found that my breasts were extremely sore similar to the experience of puberty. When I asked my doctor about this she mentioned that it is quite likely that I am sensitive to the natural estrogen in soy. So the upshot of this seems to be an increase in migraines quite likely due to flucuations due to menopause. Oh the joys of being an older female! NOT!!! So .... what to do about it? Well I am thinking perhaps I can balance the estrogen with a natural source testosterone, but of course I am not sure if there is one. Perhaps DHEA???

The other possible problem with this flucuating estrogen level might be a sense of annoyance and kind of a PMS type of anger, without cause, that is making me VERY impatient with just about anything or anyone right now. Its unreasonable and very annoying as I'd like an excuse to yell at just about anyone or something along those lines AND minor things going wrong really are getting on my nerves.

Also Monday my older daughter phoned to say that she had lost it with her son when she was spanking him and he decided to kick her in response. However, the worst was that her husband came upon this and physically picked her up and carried her out of the room and threw her against the wall of their bedroom and then trapped her in the bathroom. Apparently then she really lost it and attacked him with her nails. She felt extremely guilty about all of this needless to say. But I tried to remind her that the stress of her very bad marriage and trying to keep everything appearing normal on the surface is getting to her. I suggested that she see a lawyer and start the divorce process and that it might be a good idea for her to see a psychotherapist to simply talk through all the stessors in her life. However, I am concerned that she will not heed this advice because she thinks that she "should" be able to handle everything. I've talked with my youngest daughter to also encourage her sister to seek some help as well as my sister who sees D quite regularly, but I'm still worried. I feel so helpless in this situation!

My house needs cleaning and I haven't had the time to get to it due to trying to help out R with his house to get it on the market. So ... I am simply going to have to opt out this weekend and work on my own house as it is getting to the stage wherein everywhere I go in the house has something that needs doing.

So .... I am either about to cry or rage about stuff right now!

ANY suggestions might be helpful, but saying a small prayer in my direction certainly wouldn't hurt! *grin*

Maybe this is the answer! *grin*

EROTICA! - Wet, salty and delicious You are driven
to excite the reader into a literal froth with
your literary talents! You are a connoisseur of
the carnal side of humanity from Kink to
high-speed BJs in the front seat of a speeding
jag! Sex is GOOD. Penthouse and the Internet
after dark are your inspirations!

What Kind of Novel Should I Write?
brought to you by Quizilla

Genetic testing

2005-08-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

My daughter D phoned me last night and in the middle of the conversation stopped to yell at my grandsons, aged 5 and 7. I couldn't really hear what they had done now so I asked. Imagine my surprise when she said that they where having a "fart war." WTF????? Ok I said what the f.... is that. D explained to me that apparently my grandsons have decided that it is very funny to fart, but its even more funny if one or the other of them can sit on the other's head while excuting said fart. However, its seems inevitable that the grandson doing the sitting on the head thinks its very funny while the other grandson suffering the olfactory invasion isn't quite as amused and tends to retaliate with physical means. I laughed as after all these are only small boys. But then..... oh heavens I think, I have known more than my fair share of men who seem to have the same genetic predisposition to finding fetid emissions extremely funny.

Ok I realize that I have the tendency to over analyze many things, but this one has me baffled. Is there some male genesiology that is only transmitted to the y chromosome that has some tiny little DNA that tells men that things like fart wars are funny, females will respond favorably to waving a hard on at them, crude jokes told females in social settings are funny, and those sorts of thoughtless (at least to females) behaviors that seem to be common to many males.

Now please understand for myself in many instances, I quite often find males more intellectually stimulating than females, but even the most interesting males seem to have this attachment to idiotic and baffling ideas of what a female will find attractive or amusing.

One of the most baffling to me is that although I understand that males are easily visually stimulated and would enjoy being flashed by a female with a nice rack, that they seem to think that a woman will find it stimulating to be shown a hard phallus in an email, or with some significant other waving it at her. Actually in some ways its quite fun to watch a male become disconnected from cognitive ability while watching a set of attractive breasts or buns attached to just about any woman walking down the street. Which isn't to say that we females cannot become somewhat distracted by a nice set of male buns in the same way, however we rarely seem to become lost in them to the same degree as males. So what amazes me is that men know this about women and yet persist in showing off their state of arousal in an effort to elicit a favorable response from a female.

I regularly read Blaitz and one of her posts The Mind Clit so eloquently discusses the fact that women and submissives have a mind clit that is equally as responsive and important as her physical clit. As she states you can stimulate the physical clit and get a great response and no doubt the female recipient will find the attention wonderful, BUT the entire experience will be missing something IF you ignore her mind clit before paying attention to the other one.

So it begs the question is there something missing or some male chromosome/gene that just gets turned on and produces proteins that make what would seem obvious to the female invisible to the male brain?

There is an interesting article in the Science Spectra on the Y chromosome that is passed unchanged from father to son with small variables in the chromosome over time (it does say that there are some small changes in the Y chromosome over time). However, it does open the question if whether certain adaptations in human evolution are more directly related to the X chromosome and therefore if females are predominately responsible for the condition of the human race, then is it also a possibility that males carry with their Y chromosome many of the less adaptable human traits of aggression, hostility, combativeness, and offensive human traits? AND if this is the case would it be possible to find the particular gene that seems to find anything to do with farts funny and replace it with something more useful?

Ok .... most of this is very tongue in cheek but still doesn't it give you something to think about on a Friday afternoon?

Have a wonderful weekend! LMAO

Dreaming

2005-08-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

I had a horrible dream last night so terrifying that I felt that I had to wake up to disconnect myself from it. The dream involved some kind of "eating" of humans by other humans who were no longer entirely human, but the eating seemed to be of their souls rather than bodies. In the dream it was a kind of loop in that it seemed to start at the end wherein my loved ones had disappeared into this nonhuman state of being that reminded me of a type of vampire in that they required human souls to continue to exist and I was terrified that I could not bring them back to themselves and I myself was on the very brink of the abyss of losing myself. But then the dream began a loop in that I began at the beginning of how this horror had begun. Unfortunately I cannot really remember now how it all began, or the origin of the start of the infection and in ways it seems that it was like a virus that continually multiplied and feed off other humans. I only remember the sense of discomfort remaining that this dream means more, perhaps personally, than I can relate to any actual events in my life or that of those for whom I care deeply.

Needless to state that I feel disconnected and tired this morning as my mind is in a musing state of searching for some meaning to this dream and how it relates to me or the world around me. Of course it may be quite meaningless, but I am of the mind that oftentimes your subconscious mind is trying to communicate with your consciousness and particularly with nightmares might provide a warning of sorts. At least that has been my experience with some dreams in my life.

What confuses me, in all honesty, is that yesterday was a wonderful day. I felt a sense of excitement and wonder about the world around me and the people I share my life with these days.

I had a wonderful conversation with P last night and thoroughly enjoyed (as per usual) the intellectual exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes I feel so damn guilty about that I do not have the time or energy at times to really talk/share with him. My daughter J says that I am mean to him when I am not feeling well, although I believe it isn't particularly P as I am not patient with anyone when I don't feel well.

I had talked to both G and R yesterday as well. R is busy trying to get all of his mother's household items sorted to sell, save, or share with his sisters, but he is under a time contraint that I feel places a great deal of stress upon him at a very difficult time in his life (due to the death of his mother). Its difficult to sense the amount of stress that R is laboring under at this time and there is so little I can do, as a friend, to help ease some of it away. G is his usual happy self and especially so now that the job situation is resolved, at least for a period of time. He truly is a sweetie in that he phoned to tell me that he had heard from R that I was feeling better and that he had missed me.

I had talked to my sister for a bit Tuesday night and although I realize that she is still depressed to some degree, but this stems more from her sense of being trapped in an impossible situation with her boyfriend. I really don't know if I can realistically name him a boyfriend due to the fact that I feel that he gave her that impression at the beginning, but it soon degraded into his using her as a financial and social crutch. However with my sister the worst is the feeling of being trapped by her health issues and resulting financial issues into being unable to force him out of her house and get on with her life. Once again there is little that I can do the help because I simply do not have the money to lend her right now as I might have done in the past. But on the brighter side of things, my sister does seem more realistic about her options and goals for the future and I continue to hope that eventually things will work out with the services that are available to her. One situation that I hope might help both my sister and my daughter D is if my daughter gets her divorce and is able to buy a unit in my sister's complex that D will be able to find work and keep the boys in the same school with my sister as the afterschool nanny. I think its a great situation for both of them and would be of benefit to both as I suspect with a little more cash on hand and the possibility of my neice also moving into her home that my sister would rid herself of the bf control freak, manipulating asshole with whom she has lived for the last few years. The advantages for my daughter D would be considerable as well in that she will have someone whom she trusts to handle the boys afterschool and the boys would have fewer changes in their lives due to the divorce. So I am keeping my fingers crossed on this possibility, but once again there is little I can do in reality to make it happen or much of anything to ease my daughter's way into the major changes that are going to be the result of her divorce.

As I reread this I realize that my sense of responsibility for those that I care about is still very strong and I tend to feel frustrated and upset to a degree when I am unable to help resolve some of their issues. Old childhood parent tapes perhaps? I remember being told when I was 3 or 4 when my birth mother deserted us (my sister and myself) and my father that it was my responsibility to look after my sister. But I really do not think it is only that old tape playing, but rather it is my own need to help and my sense of gratitude and joy when I am able to make a difference to help someone whom I care about in my life.

So these feelings of responsibility may be at least a part of last night's nightmare, but I do not feel that they entirely provide the basis for the entire dream.

As I went over the nightmare this morning as I dragged myself around trying to get ready for work another thought occurred to me. I know that I have felt a sense of responsibility and failure that despite all the love I felt and shared with L that we could not work things out together. I know for me there has been a sense of shame and failure that I failed somehow because I am a true idealist in that I tend to believe IF you love someone enough together the both of you will find a way together to resolve the problems. Obviously I was wrong! *sad smile* But this morning I thought that what if L is actually sick in a way, not necessarily physically although he does have some physical problems, but rather in his Narcisstic Personality Disorder [NPD] (not diagnosed by professional, so I am guessing by experience with L personally and by research I have done). So the question becomes how can I blame myself or for that matter L when if I am correct he suffers from an illness that does not allow him to make choices or even seek help that would benefit or enrich his life because NPDs are so damaged and afraid of love, trust, and many other factors of what most would consider a normal life that he could not possibly be expected to understand them within the context of a normal relationship. All I know of his life and much that I observed and was told about his previous relationships tend to confirm my suspicion of NPD and so many times I observed and felt L's fears of lack of control, lack of trust, and inability to empathize with others. In many ways more than anyone else in his life, by his own assessment, I have been allowed to see and sometimes interact with the deeply hurt man that he hides deep inside himself and at least a part of the deep love I felt for him caused me to wish to help heal all that pain. However, more often than not the glimpses were brief and quickly closed off to protect himself from the fear of vulnerability.

I wonder if perhaps that nightmare was trying to point out to me that I cannot heal someone who is ill in this manner?

Still thinking and pondering, but maybe I can manage to find some usefulness to such a horrible nightmare yet!

Blessed be everyone!

Recovering

2005-08-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the lovely comments ALL!

I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I had another bout with my IBS and since I haven't had one since April, I actually thought I had gotten it beat with vitamins. So I was out of my meds and had to go to the doctor's office for a shot and RXs.

Finally, I am back at work and although a bit lightheaded and tired, I'm fine. Actually its kinda nice to see and listen to others at work, not to mention all those wonderful people whose blogs I read every day.

Stress is a major factor in the IBS acting up as well and I've allowed myself to hold on to a fair amount of stress lately. Trying to think of some way of helping my daughter with her issues, worrying about finances to continue to pay my younger daughter's tuition until she gets her visa (which is not going into 3 year of waiting), the household chores need doing, wishing there was more I could do to help R with his stuff, and finally a phone call to L that was a mistake and sent me on a cycle of shame and guilt. I truly miss him sometimes and loved him so much that somehow I guess I hoped that I could get him to understand that love is very precious and not the let it go if he really loved me. Of course that was a waste of time and I do know better, but it hurts so very much lately to have sex with J or R simply because I want them to be someone else. It hurts and makes me feel so damn guilty that I cannot "fall" in love with R as he is a lovely man, a Dom, intelligent, articulate and lots of other things that I admire. But that internal shift, click, or whatever magic that happens when 2 people fall in love just does not happen for me with him. Sometimes orgasms can be so damn lonely even if they are mind blowing! So I feel guilty that I cannot love him and won't learn to do so because that internal shift just doesn't happen inside me. I cannot make myself love anyone anymore than I can make someone else love me. It hurts so damn much at times! Then I become afraid of being alone and think back on all the choices I've made that have made a mess of my life, but then they were my choices and I have to live with that.

Oh well, onward and upward!

So .... I think since I have decided to deal with my entity, it hasn't appeared again. FIGURES!

Also thinking of doing a little clearing spell as I think its possible that I've been spelled and need to remove that.

So please continue to send your blessings my way and thanks for all the lovely good thoughts while I was gone!

Blessed be all

Haunting & other stuff

2005-07-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

My entity is back!

Ok this is a bit of a long story, but I have had an entity haunting me for years. I am not sure how or why but it has followed me from house to house when I have moved and to be honest I don't really remember when it first appeared (not in form) around me. One of the first instances I remember was when I was still married to my husband. He worked shift work so I was often alone in bed at night and one night in the state of just falling asleep, but not actually asleep as yet, I felt crawling up from the bottom of my waterbed. I thought at first that it was my younger daughter, but then felt the footsteps (??) on either side of my body and realized that it could not be her. THEN clearly I felt the thought in my mind that IT was only Mindy (my large collie dog), but a logical sense kept telling me that it couldn't be Mindy as she never got on the bed as she hated the waterbed. So finally I sat up and just yelled to get away from me. Since then there have been many instances of whatever IT is jumping on the bed or trying to crawl up next to me and many times with the insistant thought that IT is someone else that I am familiar with such as; my daughters, lovers, or one of my cats, but each time a logical sense tells me it isn't them. Oftentimes these have happened while I was fully awake and reading in bed or watching TV, but they have always been when I am alone and in bed. Lately, they have taken on the aspect of shaking the bed almost as if one of the cats is under the bed scratching against the bedposts and many times I have gotten out of bed to chase the cat away only to find that there isn't a cat even in my room. Also sometimes these progress to the point where I feel what I think is a cat jumping on the bed, but when I look down to greet my cat there is nothing there. For awhile I thought perhaps I was being haunted by the ghost of one of my previous favorite deceased pets, but there is a strong feeling/sense that IT is more than an animal ghost. There is a sense that IT simply wants to come near or be near to me but why or what IT truly wants I am uncertain and there is a sense or feeling that IT definitely WANTS something from me. I can keep IT at bay once I realize that IT is haunting or perhaps taunting me again by simply insisting that IT go away and leave me alone. It usually does so after a couple of times, but it always returns, sometimes months later, when I have almost completely forgotten about IT. The situation is unnerving to some degree as at one time L thought that it might be him haunting me, but I honestly doubt this as IT came along long before I even knew L or his abilities of that nature. To be honest at times the hauntings truly distress me as I seem to KNOW that there is something IT wants and being as there is a sense that I cannot discover what that is unless I give in to IT that I find truly disturbing.

Some of the other stuff happening right now is that my grandson is going in for surgery to put a drain in his ear as he continues to have ear infections that are effecting his hearing ability. So I am not feeling great about that as this is his third operation for various things (nothing major thank G......), but hell he is only 7 years old.

My daughter D phoned me on the weekend to say that she had told the boys that she and her husband were getting a divorce. It isn't entirely unexpected BUT my daughter was crying because her youngest stated that he wants to live with daddy. He is only 5 so I doubt that he truly understands what it means, but of course it hurt my daughter and she was crying when she phoned me. Damn it all! I hate that no matter how old my babies become (she is 32) when they are hurting and in pain all I want to do is make it disappear, make them all better, rescue them from all the pain and anguish. YET I know I can do nothing! I hate hate hate hate it! Truly I realize that there is no way that I can or even should remove them from the experience of pain and anguish in their lives because that is just living and oftentimes its a source of growth and maturity. But my mother's heart screams in agony when I watch my babies suffer and no matter their age they remain my babies.

So of course all of this set off my self recriminations! IF IF IF ..... I had been a better parent would my child be suffering now? If I hadn't moved away before she married this guy (nice enough in many ways and a good provider BUT an absolute ass in most ways) would I have been able to tell her of my concerns and prevented what I sensed would be a mistake (& I did not know half of what I know now).

It kills me! It took me years to come to terms with the often repeated favorite phrase of my father's, "Its a crying shame that you are as intelligent as you are and born female," and realize that I am lots of things including intelligent and its fantastic and wonderful all the things that I am because they all come together to make me ME. I'm far from perfect and certainly have my humanities share of necessary lessons, faults, and errors, but all in all I'm basically a good person.

HOWEVER, with all my skills and abilities and everything I can do, STILL I cannot take away my child's pain AND I cannot make anyone love me (specifically L or anyone else for that matter *grin*)

So sometimes I wonder what is the use of intelligence, or paranormal abilities, or good verbal skills, or all the rest? For what IF they cannot be used to do the things that matter most in life loving and being loved????

Being Haunted

2005-07-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

I'm being haunted again by words, memories, thoughts, and feelings I no longer want. The worst is even IF I wanted them all again I couldn't .... so whats the point.

I think it started with a song this morning that I haven't heard for months. It was our song in a way in that he never acknowledged it as such and seemed to simply accept that I felt it was a song for us. But it was a song I sang to myself or for myself and mostly when I was alone. In fact I cannot really remember that we ever heard it when we were together, but there is a faint memory once of his singing it to me or with me.

But later I was reading Magdela's (http://slavemagdala.blogspot.com/) archives and there they were all the memories, the words that he used to use, the attitude that melted my soul. She talks about some of her insecurities (yet she lives 24/7 with her Master) yet even those I can relate to in some ways. Oh G... how well she writes about his growling voice and the way that he simply takes her away with that. I remember how the voice and the attitude seduced me far more than the acts or play or even the sex. It was that more often than not that would have me trembling and wet to my core.

I guess I haven't really forgotten as much as I had thought that I had and now once again I'm being haunted to the degree that I just want, maybe even need, to pull back into my hole and hide out from the world.

For me there was a trusting in the world or powers that be, or even G... that there could not be that much pain and anguish allowed to exist. Yet, I read about it in the world and so much more than I have ever experienced, but still. At least a part of me believed I was/am a good person, kind, loving, compassionate, giving, so it simply could not be karmically possible that I would suffer as I did. Ok by my choice, I do understand that, after all I choose to keep trying and keep believing, yet somehow I couldn't believe that I would be allowed to suffer so. AND here I am remembering and being haunted once more by all that was, or could have been, all the dreams I thought we shared, all the love I had to give and gave, everything.

I just want to hide out until its finished washing over me. Then the hauntings will stop and I can return to whatever once more.

Dis-ease???

2005-07-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ok I don't know what is going on with my head, but I am feeling a sense of discomfort that I cannot define or really articulate. So I'm going to try to just write and see if anything pops up.

Its been a really busy week. P came over Monday to mow the lawns and being as the neighbors had cleaned up their forest growing over the dividing rock wall and that I do like working outside I decided to help out with some of the weeding along the sides of the house. P had said that we should go out to dinner when we were finished and I had said we should phone R to find out if his pool was ready for guests as after the work we would probably really appreciate the water. However, that was not possible, so R just joined us for dinner. It was fun laughing and having a drink and dinner with both of them.

So Tuesday I worked until 9pm trying to finish off one side of the house. At one point J came outside and laughed to say that she had forgotten how much I loved that gardening shit. In all honesty I had forgotten too. When I had my house I built a whole garden area in front of my house using railway ties and bricks. I remember being thrilled when my rodo and azelias survived the tranplant and that I put in rows and rows of sweet peas just because I love their scent.

Yesterday I was so damn tired it was all I could do not to fall asleep at my computer at work. Also it was quite warm yesterday so I just wanted to sleep in the sun with a great book. Also, at some point yesterday I decided that I need to make a major effort to remind myself to tighten my stomach muscles as that would likely help my lower back pain and certainly couldn't do my stomach muscles any harm either. However, I noticed that with my stomach muscles tightened when I walked that the natural sway of my hips was accentuated more. HELL .... I find it really embarrassing to be noticed on the street when I walk and being as I often walk along a busy street outside of the building where I work, its unnerving when cars honk or I notice that drivers are straining to look back at me when they pass. In fact one of my favorite superpowers would be to become invisible at will then I could simply move around and observe people or things without their knowing that I was there at all. So being more noticed is not high on my list! Of course having said that there are times when I thoroughly enjoy being noticed but then that is when I am in fetish wear or parties where I am proud of my appearance and at least to some degree on display for the pleasure of my Dom/Master (whatever *smile*). Anyway, I did go home and just lay in the sun with a great book I am reading, but with lots of sunscreen on so really I didn't get any color at all. (Translation I still have chicken legs damn damn damn!)

J asked me last night if R is my boyfriend now. I think she was teasing me, but I answered that no rather R is a dear friend with whom I can share my submissive yearnings, someone safe, an intelligent conversationalist, and just a fun person to be with, but not a bf. Its sad in a way but J was saying that she felt guilty going out all the time and having fun when she knew that I would be sitting at home alone all the time. I didn't know what to tell her other than I was grieving and in a lot of pain and before Jan that was also combined with waiting and hoping to hear from L that I would become afraid to go somewhere in case he decided to come or phone or whatever. J did say that she was glad that I am getting out now and that I do have some friends to hang out with again. I told her that I am glad too!

I don't know what day is was this week, but I saw the lyrics to Trisha Yearwood's "Harmless Heart"

You said you were afraid to trust
So sorry for yourself it must be hard
Living inside your head
And I'm no angel in disguise
I've had my share of alibis
But I was true to you
I meant every word I said
What's the use
You believe whatever you want to

You can run, you can hide
Love will still come to find you
You can turn it away
Keep romancing your pain
Your the best at self-defense
I'd say you've mastered the art
But baby, mine was a harmless heart

In your eyes I'm like the rest
You set me up to fail the test
And prove that you were right
Everyone lets you down
The ghost of all that might have been
Is tapping on your shoulder
But you just keep right on movin'
You never turn around
If you ever do
I hope you see that I really loved you

Your the best at self-defense
I'd say you've mastered the art
But baby, mine was a harmless heart
Baby, mine was a harmless heart

And I sent them to L because it said so much of what I feel, especially the bold lines. I don't suppose I should have done so, but the damn thing (never even heard it) said so much of what I wished I could say. Music has always been like that for me. I find the lyrics, probably because I am a bit of a poet, say what I cannot find the right words to express my feelings and then combined with a melody and I'm lost in the feelings that I keep to myself without the words I've needed to express them. Anyway, I didn't really expect a reply from L and I didn't get one and thats ok because I think the words to that song also are saying goodbye and I don't know that I had the opportunity to do that really. Maybe for me emailing those lyrics was my goodbye and my sense of putting closure on the whole thing.

Today I need to finish off the weeding along that rock wall and being as P decided to allow me to put in some flowers I'll be thinking about that as well.

I already told R that I'll probably be over to help him on the weekend and besides he is going to the vender fair on Sat and then there is the golf thing on Sunday again (fun!). AND he said last night that its entirely possible that the pool will be ready on the weekend as well.

But none of this seems to have anything to do with my sense of dis-ease. The only thing I can think of is that I really want to just go to a damn beach, with warm water, and just lay in the sun, doze, read, look for shells, swim and do absolutely nothing for the entire day or week, or month.

So whats up with this sense of dis-ease?

Something my daughter sent me!

2005-07-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's,we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids that're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and
MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California

==============================================================

I thought this so damn funny that I simply had to post it in my own blog!

Truly busy weekend

2005-07-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

It seems that I just couldn't stop this weekend.

Friday night I had to have my nails done as I had snapped off two of them while pushing the garbage containers against the house. Damn that hurt! I stood there for at least a minute cussing a blue streak and then noticed some neighbors in their yard and smiled weakly and said hello. So that took longer to have them done and cost more than I had planned upon for my strained finances lately. Oh well back to the drawing board!

Then I had promised to make dinner that night and when I arrived home both J and M were sound asleep on the couch. I made dinner quietly and woke them up. But in the meantime, R had phoned to ask me if I were coming over. I remember that I had mentioned to him that I had to go to a "girl's party" on Saturday night, but due to a later discussion I had not realized that R had expected that I would be spending weekends with him. So once I finished dinner I got myself together and went over to R's house. I was really tired as it seemed about 10pm by the time I got there, but they (R & G) were watching "Team America" when I arrived and graciously started it over for me. Ok I gotta say there were some parts of that movie that were truly gross and most of it was odd in a Monty Python way, but still very funny at times. So when that finished I was truly exhausted and just wanted to go home to sleep. R seemed truly surprised that I was not staying over, but really I hadn't been at home for two weekends and I just wanted to sleep in and then get some of my chores done on Saturday before going to the party.

Saturday, I woke up truly rested, and started cleaning the bathroom about 8am. Well once I got the tub and shower area done including the ceiling and washing the shower curtain, I noticed that there were greasy handprints on the walls next to the shower. So I started washing those walls and then noticed the difference between where I had washed and not and that started me cleaning the entire bathroom walls. But ... now I needed to take out the sheer drape and wash that and if I were doing that sheer I may as well do the other ones from the dining room and living room at the same time. Then I noticed that the cast iron shelf I was using for towels in the bathroom (no other shelving available) was not doing too well in the mosture of the bathroom. Now I had to pull that out and go over the entire thing with silver protector polish and that was a royal pain in the ass with all the curls and turns on the damn thing. Then I had to move the other shelf I had been using for plants in the kitchen to the bathroom. AND finally really scrub the bathroom floor as it is very old and very stained. Most of it wouldn't budge, but it at least looked a bit better.

So finally the bathroom looks better and I realize that I had been meaning to take care of the growing piles of shoes in the living room. I had found a shoe rack for free in a neighbor's curbside stuff and needed to clear out all of P's stuff storaged in the front closet to put the shoes in there. P showed up just as I was starting that and I was grateful that he carried all that old stacking tables and chairs down to the basement (sometimes I feel more as if I am NOT renting a house so much as sharing it because although P doesn't live there I have more of his stuff stored all over taking up space that I might be able to use). So that began moving all the shoes into the closet. (Did I say that I have way way way too many shoes but that I love them all?) Then I needed to rearrange the living room a bit to adjust for not having an entire wall taken up with shoes. So .... T had given me this barrel bookcase that just was really too narrow to allow for books and it had gotten put in the computer room and had become a catch all for stuff. But I realized that it would be perfect for the videos that were spread all over the Tv, VCR, and Tv shelf. So I got M to move that to the living room and then J graciously alphabetically arranged all the videos in it (damn when she decides to get organized so really goes at it!).

Ok back to the kitchen that I had originally planned to clean. But now I thought I really should clean off the marks on the window sills where the cats sit. OH BOY! Once again when I had done that I noticed the major difference and had to wash down all the walls in that area. DAMN .... I hadn't even washed the floors as yet that was in my original plan. So finally I just quit washing walls when I got to a place where the difference would not be noticed for a bit until I got back to them, besides which I had run out of degreaser. I washed the kitchen floor and then noticed that it was after 6:30pm and I had not stopped to eat anything the entire day and had not even had a shower yet. I was already exhausted so I phoned my girlfriend to say I just didn't think I would be able to make it to her party. Then I had said that I would phone R about coming by in the evening, but I was simply too exhausted for that as well. R said he would come by later after I had a shower as we needed to talk. Oh damn .... now I was worried that I had offended or upset him somehow and the whole time I showered and then put dishes in the dishwasher (well J and M had eaten and me too finally and there were dishes that looked awful against my clean floors) I worried about it.

R arrived and I had managed to shower and put on some bare minimum makeup (I felt I needed the self confidence.) But, really all he wanted was to apologize to me. Ok that threw me as I couldn't figure that out as he certainly had not offended me in any way. However, R felt that perhaps he was rushing things a bit too quickly for me in that he felt that he had expected me to spend the weekends with him. I didn't feel that it required an apology as I enjoy spending time with him and G, but I felt that both of them still have their own lives and I certainly did not wish to monopolize all their time. At any rate R and I talked until about 1am (don't know how I kept awake other than I was interested in our subject matter) and then we both went to bed. He woke up a bit earlier than I as he wanted to get home and do some stuff around his place before he and G went to join another friend, L, for golf that afternoon. R was so sweet as he invited me to be his caddy again! LOL .... however he had to check to be sure that G was ok with that too.

It was a hot day coming up so I decided that if I were going to go that I wanted to wear shorts. Well hell! I have the whitest chicken legs imaginable so I had to do some self tanning stuff on that and then if I were doing that I should give myself a pedicure and paint toenails. Good damn thing that I didn't have to meet R until about 2pm as between long bath, pedicure, painting, self tanning lotion, interruptions from phone calls, I just made it. Then R made me change my shoes to flatter heels as I had not even thought of that (damn good thing too)!

Ok gotta tell you that I had not realized that walking around 18 holes of golf and looking all over the place for balls and the heat and then the cold apple cider would be equal to a gym workout. Hell I was really tired by the time we got back to the clubhouse. BUT wow was it fun watching the play, looking for balls, laughing at the by play between R, G, and his friend L. I really had a ball and then to top it off R bought me a fantastic rib dinner! By the time he drove me home I was so exhausted however that the mere thought of driving back to my place seemed an impossibility and I sure as hell wouldn't have done so if I did not have to be at work today.

So today I am a little sunburned, a little tired, and a LOT feeling great about friends, family, and just life in general.

Ain't it GRAND!

Really busy so found this fun!

2005-07-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

Copy this entire list into your blog/journal.
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.

I am bi-sexual. (I don’t really consider myself bi-sexual because when I an done with a female I always want a male to fuck me HARD)
My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation. (BDSM, slave)
My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender. (EX)
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn. (Holy cow … The original Story of O … couldn’t help myself)
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for my spouse or lover while on the phone.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. (once upon a time)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish. (Does loving and having more high heels than I could possibly use count?)
I have a leather fetish. (Really ya think, with more leather clothes than others in my closet)
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.(What the FUCK?)
I like having my nipples squeezed during sex.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.* (I have lots but there is always something else I’d love to have)
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on. (oh hell yes!)
I have had interracial sex with someone of my gender.*
I want my spouse or lover to have an interracial sex experience.
I want to watch my spouse or lover have an interracial sex experience.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I have had sex with someone from my place of employment.
I have had sex with a former co-worker of my gender.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (have been in the past)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship. (in past and not good due to miscommunication)
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover. (IN THE PAST)
I stopped during this list to have sex. (I wish!)

Hum .... I don't think they have enough kinky statements in this! *grin*

Overwhelmed

2005-07-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with epiphanies lately! So much has been happening in my life that it almost feels like too much to handle, yet mostly its all good. Its just taking a bit of time for me to process everything, but then something new hits me and I'm back to a swirling sense of things that I need to think about and through.

This may be why I ended up with a migraine on Tuesday.... just a sense of head too full of stuff.

Monday was a strange day as my alarm didn't go off and I woke with a terrible shock when my daughter's alarm went off. I had a panic attack as I rushed around getting ready for work and it felt like I had left my soul sleeping in bed all day. Also so much for getting up early to do my workout! Interestingly, I got to thinking that although I had gone to work with Sunday's makeup on (ok not my best but still not as frightening as none) and that I felt ok with that instead of previously with L when I knew that he would have been upset with me about it.

Work was fine .... nice to hear wonderful and oh so exciting news from my friend M. It was so lovely that she could share it with me and I felt so privledged to be the one she thought of to share her news.

I was thinking on way home from work that I needed some vitamin supplies and so phoned R, as it is his business. He had lots of things for me that he wouldn't allow me to pay for, I'm grateful, but wary as I don't wish to incur an obligation that I cannot fulfill. However, it was wonderful to hear that both himself and G (really J, but I have a couple of Js here already) enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. I had to rush home as I had forgotten about my J's yoga and I had gone to a specialty store for some of the specialty metabolic tablets I needed.

Home again I got to thinking about something R said about being narcisstic and my blog. It disturbed me because I certainly didn't feel that he had that disorder, but didn't have the opportunity to check what he meant. So I was reading my blog and checking and then R phones and I have the opportunity to check and discover that he meant that he checks the mirrors too often. LMAO .... well that may be true or not as I hadn't really noticed. Anyway, then I get on the phone with G and he mentions a story that he had written and given me to assess my sense that I am still working through the shame of having been a fool so long with L. Now the story was a fantastic insight into G and I truly loved it but I couldn't really figure out the relationship to what I was talking about for myself learning to accept myself. However, a later conversation with G resolved this... I think I had gotten so caught up in the characters in his story and the parts of G that I have been privledged to view that I missed the connection.

Anyway, I had gotten on the phone with my friend, T, and we had a long conversation regarding how we had both gotten involved in less than stellar relationships due to our belief in our ability to do anything we set our minds to. At one point I was telling her about R and G's offer to collar me for my own protection at my party. I truly thought it was a generous offer to protect me from someone who frightens me quite a bit, but then at the same there was something about it that kinda bothered me at the same time. It finally occurred to me what it was; 1.) It is time that I learned to handle those scary Doms as they will always be around somewhere as I gradually return to the world and lifestyle and R or G will not always be there to support me. So I had damn well better learn how to handle those types on my own and on my own terms and what better opportunity than in my own home at my own party. 2.) The collaring for me touches a deeply felt place in my soul and therefore to betray that deeply felt commitment for a temporary sense of protection just doesn't feel right for me at all. A collaring for me is a deep commitment to my Master, man, friend and lover and suggests that I will give all of my being to that person it just feels wrong to do it for convenience. I laughed when T told me that she is meeting a person (me) that she has never met before! I can certainly understand how she might view my current "reawakening" as a new individual as she never knew me before L came to control my life, but really it is a "reawakening" and perhaps more accurately a refining of the person I was before L and the lessons I learned about myself with and since L's departure. I think its all good really as I am pleased to rediscover my inner strengths, my self confidence and self esteem. Of course the tricky part now is learning how to balance the strengths I had with the lessons I've learned to give birth to the new/old me again. Its a journey, but I am thoroughly enjoying it!

Then P came over late. He wanted to talk about selling the house and making long term plans and I am sorry to say that I got upset with him. I mean really it has a great deal to do with I do not have the ability to handle a long discussion of long term plans with P as oftentimes he makes these plans and then I expect that he will carry through with them and then nothing happens for months or years and I don't hear another word about the discussion. I realize that he has had a lot on his plate with his parents and all the rest going on but at the same time there has been times when I have reached out to him and he has stated he would be there only to drop by for a very few minutes and then rush off and ignore me once again. As a friend that has hurt me often and then I simply feel that it is safer to withdraw and not open myself up to being vulnerable and open with him as he just won't be there anyway. Its not entirely his fault for to be quite honest that sense that I opened my vulnerability and soul to L and then got ignored and/or dismissed more often than not just made me far more sensitive to that kind or similar events. P got really upset with me and I really tried to get him to understand so far as the house that I TRUST him to do his best to make it a win/win situation for us, J & I his renters, but that it just worries and upsets me if he goes into long involved discussions about his plans and then nothing happens and I just worry about when the axe is going to fall. I trust him to give me a fair notice and certainly to be open to making it work out for all concerned, but I already have a lot on my plate. Then of course there is the immigration thing that I have tried to work through faster by any and all means available and for P to insist that there is a loophole somewhere that I haven't found as yet just gives the impression that I have not done enough, which really upset me. I finally got the chance to work through things with P when we talked for a bit outside, especially after I told him that I really resent that he or I gets upset and then he simply disappears and I'm left worrying about the entire situation all alone with no chance of redress or resolution because he doesn't get back to me to help resolve the situation. Then I am doubly upset because I've been upset that the problem happened and then that it isn't resolved in a timely manner. Thankfully, P is a true darling in that we stood outside and talked for a bit and he understood why I had gotten so upset and I got the opportunity to listen to why he had done so. He is special and I never want him out of my life as my very special friend.

Anyway..... I've got lots more to talk about but need to simply lay back (at work ha!) and let all of this find its level within me.

Hugs!

Thoughtful

2005-07-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about the terrorists attacks yesterday in London. My heart and soul just goes out to all of the people there killed and injured and their families and friends. Somehow I simply cannot get my mind around understand why ANYONE would think that killing innocent people is going to make their point or make any difference what so ever to their cause. Its such a waste of life, human potential and everything else that gives us hope for the future of humankind and life on this planet.

So the last couple of days I've been thinking about love. I guess I miss being in love more than I realize at times and I suppose yesterday's events were a reminder that life is very precious.

The words to a song keep running through my mind;

When I wake up in the morning trying to find myself
And if I'm ever the least unsure I always remind myself
Tho you are someone in the world that I'll always choose to love
From now on you're only someone that I used to love

I mean really the bottom line is that somewhere inside of me I'll always love L and I can accept that, but I am so aware that it is a past tense thing. So I miss terribly being in love, the joy, excitement, wonder and all the rest. Oddly, I feel as if this is ok because I am free to love once again and perhaps I'll be lucky enough to find love one more time. But right now I so MISS the being in love! Damn sometimes I just hate the dichotomy that is my mind at times!

I'm looking forward to the weekend as R has called a couple of times to tell me that he would welcome my help and company around his place and that feels good. He is a dear friend and I can be safe with him and G knowing that neither will fall for me and I wouldn't for either of them and we are all ok with that. AND there is the need I have to be helpful as that just feels good to me and there is always the "play" factor wherein if all parties are in the mood that its ok too. Its a safe, comfortable place that provides a safety factor in that I'm not likely to go out of my mind with submissive neediness and just plain loneliness! I'm so very grateful to both of them for understanding this.

My daughter, J, was able to help me out a bit with finances this week so things are improving there. I am still trying to decide if I need to buy a lottery ticket as so much seems to be improving in my life perhaps its just time! The older daughter, D, has been talking to me fairly regularly online and I love it! I feel as if the distance factor may finally be closing between us and its wonderful in that I've missed her in my life for some years. (She was never completely absent, more distant than anything.) So this is all good!

I am hoping that I can get those exercise DVDs this weekend and get a move on that front as I know that I'll feel so much better.

Although my IBS was really acting up Wednesday night and it took a few meds to calm it down and I almost gave in to its threatening Thursday morning, I did not take off from work. I hate doing that but sometimes I simply don't know if my IBS is going to really take off and then I get depressed and tend to give into that as well. So I really didn't feel up to coming to work but went anyway and damn if I didn't feel better both physically and emotionally.

So its all good!

If I can just work through this slight sadness or whatever about being in love! *smiles* With so much to be grateful for lately I don't think I'm going to give this one the power to take me down!

Blessed Release!

2005-07-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

I am a very lucky lady indeed!

So .... Friday, BJ generously responded to my email upon ways to release his stress. The email suggested that perhaps due to his stress levels that he might enjoy a willing slave girl and some mild BDSM activities. BJ has always known about my submission and therefore he was not shocked, but he also is not experienced and although has a interest, I doubt whether he has the need. So by way of encouragement I asked him for suggestions of what he would like me to wear, such as in corset, hose and heels, or perhaps very sexy dress, or simply nude and tied to bed waiting for him. I had also asked him if there were any particular toys he would like made available for his pleasure. Admittedly, it somewhat surprised me that he wanted me in corset and hose and that he would phone about 10 minutes before he arrived so that I could tie myself to the bed and waiting for him. But oh oh oh what a pleasant surprise! I raced home and ran around getting things and myself ready and when he phoned I was trying to get myself into damn corset.... I don't know if you can imagine just how tricky it can be to get the damn thing tightened properly! ANYway, he finally arrived and because I wasn't sure if my daughter and he boyfriend had left, and he was waiting downstairs, I released myself and started to go downstairs when he arrived at my bedroom door. His look of appreciation for my appearance in the corset, fishnet hose, black heels and black leather g-string panties made the entire effort so WORTH IT! He immediately asked me to reattach myself to the headboard and then he proceeded to find a blindfold, DAMN I thought I had one, but had forgotten that probably L kept that, so BJ eventually used a black pantyhose which worked just fine. BJ was fantastic! Between his gentle floggings, his kisses all over my body with particular attention to my clit and labia, his fingers pinching my nipples, AND I went simply out of my mind. By the time he entered me with one deft stroke that scraped my clit going in and convulsed my vagina against the sudden invasion and HELL I had a screaming orgasm before he could even begin any motion. AND he just built on that with his insistant movements that just kept the orgasms building upon one another to higher and higher levels! I felt so helpless still blindfolded and wrists held to the chain on my headboard. Admittedly, I came to myself breifly and thought that I could not reach his nipples which are a particular turn on for him and I so wanted that he would have a mind blowing orgasm as well to achieve a stress reduction too, but it was impossible as he kept up the pace to such a degree that this was only a moment's thought before it was lost once again in another driving orgasm. ALL and ALL an absolutely wonderful fuck!

Then just as we had finished and beginning to recover our breath and my phone rings and it is R stating that he and his friend would be happy to play with me the next afternoon! HOLY COW my cup of blessings runith over!

So.... Saturday afternoon I get myself over to R's house. R and G are true Doms or at least I KNOW that R is and he tells me that G is as well. R is an old friend that I met years before and he is a SADIST, but also a true Dom in that although he is aware of his interest has always been conscious of the fact that I cannot go as far as he might wish to take me. So I've always felt safe with him as he watches me closely and if something is too much for me always backs it down a little so that I can still stay with my sub space without being thrown out of it by too much pain. However, I hadn't really considered that I would be there with 2 Doms and when G mentioned that I had made a tactical error in giving them both time to think what they could do with me and admittedly I became a tiny bit nervous. However, I need not have been at all as they were both wonderful! First they 4 point tied me to a door way that allowed them access to both sides of me and then put on a blindfold (oh hell not again! *grin*). Then while one kept up the flogging and general impact activities on one side the other was always doing something sensual on the other. OH HELL ... I went into subspace so damn fast that I was sagging from my wrists and orgasming every time I got the chance! (Side note, R has always preferred that his subs ask permission to orgasm, but with me I can reach orgasm so quickly .... under the right circumstances ..... and am SO NOT verbal at that point that it has always been a bit of a game between us to see if I can achieve orgasm before R notices that I am that close.) So the first orgasm I managed because I think it was G playing with my clit and labia and there it was a mind blowing orgasm, but after that orgasms are fairly easy for me to simply build on the first orgasm, BUT R is aware of this and thereafter I only had a couple more (who knows as I sure as hell was not cognizance enough to count) but I was aware enough to hear R tell G to be careful as I was close to orgasm again. So by the time they finished with me I was sagging from my wrists and my hands were a bit numb, but who the hell cares when you are dripping cum down your thighs and your knees feel like rubber. R and G were darlings and held me up for a bit while they brought me a warm robe to recover a bit until they could lead me to a chair to let me recover my senses. Of course this was only a prelude to their "cribbage game"! Their crabbage game involves using me as the table and counting "special points" with whatever toy comes to mind on whatever areas of my body that are available. OH Hell! I doubt whether I can write how fantastic the whole game was for me. Laying on my back on the futon with my wrists and legs spread wide and blindfolded while they played cards and "counted" points was beyond my most cherished fantasies! Of course the meanies had become aware of just how close to orgasm I became very quickly and the 2 points, etc. became an exercise in "just one more PLEASE" as I came so close to orgasm so many times and was "prevented" from reaching it again and again. The float into subspace was so fantastic that I felt as if I only survived in a world of sensual sensations just waiting for the next "torture" that would take me where I so wanted to be, orgasming insanely! I remember at one point while listening to their voices as they played and in some place in my mind I remembered watching them play crib together much MORE DEFENSIVELY that I realized that they were TRYING to give points to the other! OH HELL! The torturous joy of wanting more points and being a little afraid of more points! Anyway, when the game was finished they both generously made sure I had an orgasm that has to go on record for me as one of the longest lasting and incredible orgasms of my life! Neither of them would simply allow it to stop until I was screaming any begging words I could think of to beg them to allow it to end! AND I an so not verbal that it was taking everything I could manage to find any words at all and to be honest if they had NOT been telling me the words they wanted to hear (eventually *grin*) I might still be there screaming out my orgasm forever! When they finally "finished" with me it must have taken at least 15 minutes for me to come back to myself from the world of mind blowing and spiritual sensuality! INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!

Both R and G were so very sweet as I tried to thank them repeatedly and to add to that they generously took me out to dinner for a great steak (I so needed to be fed) and then generously took time to gently hold me and just spend time with me talking and watching videos.

I don't know if either of them truly understands how much of an epiphany this experience was for me. For me after years with L I had come to doubt whether I could or would be able to play again and at least a part of me felt that even if I could it would always be missing a vital something for me if I wasn't in love with the Master/Dom. Or ... at the very least that I would never be able to experience the level of subspace and release that both R and G provided and practiced for me during the cribbage game. For this both have earned my eternal gratitude and regard! I doubt I can ever truly explain the whole epiphany to anyone really, but the fact remains that it opened doors for me that might not have been opened without their generous help, patience, and control!

To the powers that be, I am thankful and for so much more than I can express with the mere words I can write or say. Only know that I am thankful, grateful, and mindful f the lessons that have been given to me!

The Anonymous Idealist

A lot on my plate

Don't Let the B***** Win!

NOT 30 anymore

OK ... enough already

WTF?

OK .... who did I piss off?

Sometimes its so hard

Proud of myself

Afraid

Coming back

I'm still learning *happy grins*

Not much or too much

Fairy Dust!

Its still getting better and better!

I've been there!

Part II "The Evening"

A partial explanation for not blogging

On hold

Happy drunk

agree?

Thoughts

Somedays I hate my life

WHAT???

Finding old friends

Explanations

Things that piss me off!

Tired

Finding my way back

Sorry for waiting

Wishful or Hopeful?

Warning Peeved Rant

Fatalistic Friday

OK I've lost it!

Update

Its been awhile

I guess I always knew

Been so damn busy

Thinking or is that over analyzing?

Wistful

Update

Something I found!

Where my mind has gone lately! *grin*

Memories

A downward spiral

Archives

Who Am I NOW?

A BIT BLUE

NEW NEW NEW

Boundaries

Still Thinking :)

REFLECTIONS AND PERCEPTIONS

This is a very difficult posting

So Damn Tired of it ALL

Musings

Disclosures

Being Submissive

B & P continued

Bits and pieces

The Great Escape

Genetic testing

Dreaming

Recovering

Haunting & other stuff

Being Haunted

Dis-ease???

Something my daughter sent me!

Truly busy weekend

Really busy so found this fun!

Overwhelmed

Thoughtful

Blessed Release!

I'm still learning happy grins

Where my mind has gone lately! grin